Zettabyte,
If you ever come back to this site, I think you will find many here who can unfortunately but also easily relate to you.
As you said, you have no place else to go, so why not give those on here a chance to identify with you? Perhaps all you get is the sense that you are not alone...well he'll, that is better than where you are now.
I just so you know that some on here can indeed relate. I am gay or lesbian though I detest the latter word. Now before you go writing me off, I am almost twice your age, a time when being gay and mentioning it at at meant certain death in many parts of the US.
I was also sexually abused (among other things) by my mother for my entire childhood. So when I went to college, I went there to disappear and to die, but not at the hands of another - thus the only control I felt.
I did not even know how to start therapy, as being gay was just as taboo a subject as being a female sexually abused by her own mother. In either scenario, I was never viewed kindly or even believed to be a victim. And even worse I landed in the office of some quack job who linked my experiences to the fact that I have two different colored eyes - yes, akin to the Salem witch hunt. So truly, I and other like me had ample societal reasons to blame ourselves for our own pain.
Now fast forward 20 years and the world has indeed changed, though slower than most of us would like...and once prevailing views still sadly lead to discrimination and hate.
So I may not be a gay man, but I have personally had many friends who were. I have also worked in my city with the regional Mental Health Association during the early 90s to obtain funding and establish safe advocacy/support groups for, at the time, gays/lesbians as well as transgendered individuals, which was deemed ground-breaking at the time. And prior to my most recent medical issues, have worked with traumatized individuals who happen to be gay, lesbian, and transgendered.
I guess what I am saying is why not give this site and its members a chance to at the very least accept and share with you their stories and suggestions as you sort out your own next move. I totally get your concern, but there are many gays on this site as well as truly gay-accepting, if not inviting, members/people.
I again see and feel how truly miserable and desperate you are, as I clearly felt entirely alone, numb, fake, and filled to the brim with shame at your age too. But what I will ask you to think about, is what have you got to lose by sticking around, reading some posts, and asking others, like myself, how I went from where you are to where I am now???
I will admit that there are people out there who just can not discuss abuse and those who, for many reasons, find being gay a black an white issue rather than one element of who you are. Right now your trauma owns you...and well the minimal goal is to have you be become content with yourself, develop a genuine support system, and to eventually own you traumatic past rather than it owning you.
I likely have said too much, but if you ever see this, please know that I and others on here will support you as fellow victims of various forms of trauma, with or without a formal diagnosis. We can not of course heal your pain, but we can help you along that journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance.
My company motto is: "Helping You Develop Enlightened Self-Landscapes!"(TM), so I am not just blowing smoke up your a*s!
With true caring in my heart for you,
Alex
PS-The agony you feel is yours, but the embarrassment and shame you feel rightfully belong to those who treated you inhumanly and to those who victimized you to the point where you question yourself rather than those who harmed you. Sexual abuse does not come without some layer of emotional abuse and often neglect.
Thread 'What do you think about the phrase 'trauma doesn't define you"?'
