Relationship Hitting Rock Bottom....

[suziq616]

I am happy to finally post my story, as I too love someone with PTSD who is a combat vet who served deployments in Iraq during those early years of 03-thru-05. Although we are not married, we have been a couple for 4 years and we have gone through all the same symptoms that others have posted. He also struggles with a coping addiction; he’s an alcoholic who also uses online dating sites to engage in texting/cheating with many unsuspecting women. It must be exhausting to manage multiple women and keep me in the dark and fake his happiness to give the appearance that all is well.

I’ve ‘dealt’ with all this because I know there is a good man under all this sickness, and I guess I thought my love could cover a multitude of sins. It can’t…I think maybe though we are finally at rock bottom and the only way back is up.

A little more than 8 weeks ago, he finally checked himself into the VA for treatment. I was worried of course, but happy that he was trying to get help, and to finally start some medications for moods. Little did I know that upon his release, instead of seeking recommended treatment, he turned back to the online dating sites and began this cycle all over again with a vengeance. With the lying to me, avoiding intimate relations with me, (I guess he feels less guilty for cheating if we’re not engaged in our normal sexual relationship). But all the while he was still very focused on my happiness, my needs, my daily phone calls, and all the normal couple activities of dinners together, etc.

Last Friday night everything changed, and maybe it’s for the good. We were out at our favorite pub and while driving home, encountered a DUI checkpoint. He did not pass. This will be his 2nd DUI. He was arrested and the police officer handed me his personal things among them his cell phone. Was it right for me to read all the messages? No, it really wasn’t my business, but I did it anyway, I had 12 hours to wait until I could pick him up once bail was posted. I was sickened by the messages, but more important I saw how sick he is.

Upon his release from jail he is a completely broken man, his self-loafing is at an all-time low, he can’t think straight, he’s thoughts are all over the map. He is facing jail time, problems with work, he may lose his job he loves working for the DoD, he can’t drive for years, plus all the financial expenses coming up. His words, “I’m at the lowest I can possible go” I wanted so bad to abandon him and let him fend for himself, but I think I’ll stick around and see if God and help from others will bring about a better man. I know he will always have PTSD and will go back and forth with symptoms, but his coping mechanism must become healthier and can if he works the programs set in front of him. Womanizing is not a coping mechanism that is healthy, neither is alcohol. So by force of the justice system he now has to face those 2 demons and learn new ways to deal with his PTSD.

I don’t know if our relationship will survive all this, I do know that I’m going to seek my own therapy and set my own healthy boundaries and trust in God for one day at a time. And in the end, I’ll know I did my best . I’m very thankful for this site, as I’ve spent hours reading posts and taking comfort in knowing that I’m not alone and what I go through someone else has gone through before me, maybe my story can provide solace and hope for someone else.

 

[fight4him]

Hello Suziq616. I am so fortunate that my husband did not become addicted to drugs or alcohol after returning home but I completely get the addiction to dating or porn sites. My husband loved me with all his heart but was mad at me over things I couldn't control. This anger did a lot of damage to our marriage and took us to the point that my husband had no tenderness left for me. It got to the point where there were no hugs, kisses, or intimacy no matter how hard I tried. My husbands world was in gaming where he could be king and everyone thought he was great and there was no stress to be anything but great.

He took on this identity in there and the woman loved him. He was their friend, their confidant, their night in shining amour. He finally took it to the level of on-line lover. During this time, I finally realized that I had lost my husband and that it was time for me to think about ending our marriage. A few days before I was going to sit my husband down to tell him this, I found out just how far he had been going on-line. Needless to say, the shame he felt over what he had done to our marriage and family was enough to wake him up and get him into counselling.

This year has been very hard and I still question whether we will completely heal from all this but I see the changes he is making and how hard he is trying to be the man I married and that makes me fight another day. I will say this though. He needs to be ready to help himself. If not, you will not be able to do it for him and you will get to a point where you will have to make some decisions if that is the case. I really hope that he is to the point that he is ready to stand and fight for himself and you.

 

[Foreva Faithful]

Suziq616 I am praying for you! It is truly God, therapy, family and friends that helped me get through my dark days after my husband left. It was not until a year and a half later that he too got tangled up in a bad situation with the law to 'snap' out of his demons.

He can't even answer the why questions, because without the demons of untreated PTSD he never would have even gone down that path in life. Right now he is focusing on him and I on myself. Once he is at a healthy place we will access us.

Even though unthinkable hurt has occured, with God you are strong enough to make it through it. You both need healing and a fresh start as a couple just looking forward not back. Good luck to you.

 

[suziq616]

Thank you, I appreciate the kind words and encouragement. We've decided to not make any relationship decisions for at least 30 days, I need that time to look inside and see what my role in this is or was. To forgive myself and to forgive him. He broke down crying yesterday, note that is something huge for this 'alpha male' . We prayed and he hung up the phone to say he was getting on his knees, he can't do it by himself anymore and is acknowledging to God his desire to heal.

He took some positive steps yesterday by seeing a good attorney, confiding in a good male friend and on his own went to his first AA meeting. Although he said, I'm not an alcoholic, but I think most alcoholics say that until they see that they are.

Yesterday was a good day, but today, I can't help but replay all those text messages in my head, unfortunately those words and exchanges are forever burned into my mind. I'll need to work on that if I choose to stay in this relationship. Even still I'll have to work on that if I ever want a successful relationship with anyone, trust, given so freely, but so much harder to rebuild.

I truly appreciate the opportunity to share, its very helpful. I wish you all the best to, especially @fight4him, your post inspired me to post mine yesterday:) I thought when I read your story, it was so familiar and I could not go on until I shared my own, so thank you:)

 

[fight4him]

Suziq616, I am glad that I was able to help. I understand the pain of your text messages. I did not get to read what took place between my husband and his online lover but I did talk to her in length for a few weeks to find out what had gone on between them and I can tell you it is really hard to hear another woman tell you how wonderful he is and how in love with him she was. The things he said to her and the things he said about us as his family have been the hardest to get over.

At the point of discovery, my husbands only saving grace was our son that was still at home. I was so hurt by all the years of pain that he had caused us and to hear him declare his love to another woman while I was struggling to keep our family together was just about too much to bare. I think at that point I unleashed all the emotions I had bundled up inside and unleashed a fiery stream of them right at him. It was not a pretty site for the first few months in our home. But it was just a taste of what we had to endure with him for 6 years since his return from Iraq.

I finally reached a point during all this where I had to decide what I was going to do. Was I going to stay and work on my marriage or was I going to leave and start fresh. I prayed a lot, talked with the elders of my family and took time to reflect on everything we had been through and I came to the conclusion that we had survived so much all ready that I was just not ready to give up. I did lay down some rules and I now take me time. I realized that I lost sight of who I was during this time and I am reclaiming myself. In doing so, I am finding my strength to keep working on my marriage.

If I can tell you one thing, it is this. Let yourself feel the anger and the hurt. Let yourself release it and show your husband what his actions are doing to you. And most importantly, hold him accountable for his action and don't let him blame you or anyone else. Once they can see that it was their actions that brought them to such a bad place and decide that it is time to get help, then that will be when you can start repairing your marriage.

It sounds like your husband is finally realizing how low he has let himself get and for him to reach out for help is big. I hope he continues down the path to healing :)

 

[smogmonster]

Suzi, it sounds like things might be turning a corner. However, sobriety and healing is a long journey, and not always a pleasant one, regardless of PTSD or anything else. I say this as someone who has made that journey; quitting drinking was only the beginning of a very long road to healing, but it was a critical first step. AA is one method of maintaining sobriety, but it is only one, and it works just about as well as any other method, which is to say it only works well if someone wants to be sober and not so well if they don't. I suggest finding an Al-Anon meeting and start attending regularly, just to listen at first. If you don't like the group, find another one. They are everywhere. That can help a lot with learning to set healthy boundaries, not only with an alcoholic (whether in recovery or not), but with all your relationships.

 

[suziq616]

Thank you smogmonster, and I did just join an Al Anon online group, haven't posted yet, but find the messages inspiring. It's definitely going to be a hard road to recovery for both he and I. I appreciate you posting your thoughts, it helps:)

 

[Livy's Mom]

Hi Susiq. My guy has also has an alcohol addiction. I've recently joined al-anon in order to help myself deal with the situation because I have made the decision to stand by him and do everything I can to make our relationship work. Like you I believe there is a man underneath this illness that is far too amazing to let go of. I understand what you are going through. It isn't easy to maintain a relationship with a person with PTSD as it is but when you add alcoholism it becomes an entirely different animal. If you ever want to vent by all means inbox me!

 

[suziq616]

Thank you Livy's Mom, I really do appreciate your comments, and I must say the timing was perfect. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and although not ready to throw in the towel, was planning to active an online dating site of my own, so as to have a distraction or maybe manipulate the situation in the hopes he'd find out and feel like he was losing me. Weak moment? Maybe...Do I want another, no, absolutely not, and online dating sites are the worst for one's self esteem lol....PS: he and I met online 4 years ago, so not all bad things can come from an online dating site:)

I'll tell ya though; this thing is way bigger than the surface shows. It’s like I can see the invisible battle going on for his soul, the PTSD wants him and isn't going to let go easily. He and I had a good talk yesterday, probably the most honest talk yet. We sat side by side, but didn't look each other in the face, seemed non-threatening that way; I ask questions, got real answers and a few I don't knows.

He opened up about his feelings or lack thereof, and shared that he is indeed emotionally numb, does get triggers from smells and those triggers can cause him to rage, isolate and withdrawal, and then he sets out to feel something better so of course the cycle of binge drinking and online chatting starts all over again, but then he said he wasn't sure he had PTSD or if his drinking and womanizing was typical male behavior and he really seemed like he didn't know the difference.

I told him about all the postings on this site, and how so many couples are describing the exact same patterns, coping mechanisms, and addictions. That this can't be coincidence...Told him how this PTSD is trying to destroy him and everything good in him, and he can't let it win, that we can work towards a better life. But that it has to begin with him wanting to get healing and that I need to own my happiness and self-care. I told him I can’t fix him, nor should I even be trying. I ended our conversation by telling him that I love him, but not the alcohol or womanizing, and that I accept who he is today and that I believe he does the destructive things because of his wounded warrior soul inflicted with PTSD. And that I’m standing right here. He left for the day with a smile.

NOTE: The evil PTSD really doesn't want to let go of this man, he was in a minor car accident on the freeway yesterday, he called me right away and was so proud of himself that he didn't lose his temper, he didn't want to punch the other driver, he didn't yell, he just exchanged information and said it was that dark cloud trying to bring him down again. He even quoted some things he learned from the 2 AA meetings he’s attended this week. I’ll take that small victory for today:)

 

[DanFaur]

Dear suziq616,

Reading your story is like looking in a mirror and seeing the past three years of my own marriage. I was first diagnosed with CPTSD and DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) in January of 2012.

In January 2012, I experienced my "rock bottom", and from that time my wife and I have endured extreme high's and low's related to my recovery and treatment from CPTSD and DID.

On my own volition, I had already begun the process of "getting clean" after meeting my wife in early 2010. Still, my addiction to online cheating was persistent, even after taking our vows in late 2010. All of this came to a crisis point in January 2013, and following my complete breakdown, I was diagnosed and began treatment for CPTSD and DID.

Starting in January 2012, upon receiving the diagnosis, I began the process of cleaning up my life from the mess I had created in my marriage, the damage I had done to my body from years of drink and substance abuse, and began the process of healing the psychological scars caused by prolonged physical, sexual, psychological, emotional abuse, captivity and torture. I took responsibility for my actions, and more importantly began taking action.

It took reaching "rock bottom" before things could start getting better in my own marriage. I don't know what your path will look like in the coming months and years, but I can say with some certainty that your husband will certainly benefit from increasing the size of his social circle to include people who will support him in his recovery. That said, I know that in my own recovery, it has been useful to also eliminate any temptation, and take on a conversation of complete transparency with my wife.

I created a structure for my life that would allow me to demonstrate myself as the man I know myself to be, and the husband I know I am capable of being. Included were all the aspects of a clean life that I saw demonstrated by people I admire and look up to. I took on creating a life that included consistent physical, emotional, and psychological acts of well being. Living within that structure, I was able to achieve small successes each and every day over the past year, those successes which have allowed me to once again develop a sense of pride and self-worth in my life. The result of living into this healthy new structure is that I get to be the husband and man I always knew I was capable of being.

I would like to acknowledge you, as I also acknowledge my own wife, for having the strength to stand through this all and not lose sight of love. Without the strength that my wife has demonstrated, without her determination, I would not be on the road to recovery. I simply would not have the life I do today, neither would your husband.

For your husband, I would like to share a quote that gives me daily inspiration from the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu:
The journey of a thousand miles begin's beneath one's feet.

Thank you for your sharing here on the Forum. I do hope that something of my sharing here will be of use to you and/or your husband in both of your recovery from the impact of PTSD.

- DanFaur