Relationship Hold On Or Let Go?

[nursenurse]

Love does not smother, does not make threats, does not manipulate to hold on, Staceymarie. He needs so much help, and your job is not that as therapist. You have to make that clean break, what he decides to do is his problem, not yours. you cannot be in a relationship where the other refuses to help themselves. You are not his everything, so to speak, you can never be. It is unhealthy. In the context of a healthy relationship, when someone says that, there is still give and take in that relationship, a mutual giving and taking of love, compromises and caring. Yours is clearly unheathy. You need help to extricate yourself, to tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to help himself. Do not be held slave by threats of suicide, this is the sign of a very mentally ill and tortured soul, and you are enabling him by running to him every time something is wrong. You aren't his mother, and stop being one, it takes a lot of strength and fortitude, but you need to be away. His is not the love that a truly healthy relationship is built on, mental illness or not, trust me on that one. Stick with your therapist and look for ways to become stronger and let go. Your own health is suffering, and you will be no use to yourself or anyone else if you let yourself circle the drain and go down. Good luck, hugs to you.

 

[stacymarie88]

Thank you so much. I started crying reading this.

I truly love this man.Its so sad what he is going through. His PTSD comes from war. and he is getting help now.. I tell him I will always support him. Its so hard to see him depressed. I know he loves me. I feel like I can't just leave him during this. I don't know why I'm so scared. I share so many wonderful memories with him. When He moved.. things were easier.. not easy just easier.. Because I couldn't run to him every time something was wrong. I hate seeing him hurt.. I don't know why I developed this..

I was just trying to do things recently to make him happy so he can see there is a good to life.. he still says I love you all the time. I don't know how to make a clean break because I can't even go a day without talking to him. I'm a strong person but I feel like I'm not strong enough at this point to let him go. I don't want him to I gave up on him. It kills me. He said everyone around him has left or died. that's why it breaks my heart. But I want to get married and have a future. He tells me he will be able to. but I don't see it.. at least right now.. I feel guilty when I'm having fun or out with friends. he is such an amazing guy deep down. That's why this is just hard. I know I'm currently holding on to "hope"

 

[stacymarie88]

It makes me sick to my stomach not having him there anymore.. I try and tell him we are just friends.. then he says I love you. and misses me.. which I do as well.. we are both at a stand still.. sometimes he will say you deserve a better life than this.. but so does he. Thats why its so hard.. Im a very sensitive person and caring. I am basically always a caretaker to ppl. I just want to be there for him but don't know how anymore.

 

[nursenurse]

You can always tell him you love him as a friend, if that is how you feel. Don't pretend it is more if it isn't. Be available to listen at times, but don't run your whole life around him. Ask your therapist if he/she has any info/reading material on PTSD that you could give to your boyfriend. Also there is the book out there "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship" by Diane England, worth a read for you. I just feel that you are floundering as well, and my focus is on you and not him for now. Two of you going down makes no sense, so while it might seem I am not supportive, I am. You cannot ever control what he does for/to himself. It just seems if he is that clingy to you, I wonder a bit about what kind of help he is receiving, and if it is working. Is he really attending his sessions?

How long have you two been together? Him getting help is no guarantee that all will be 100% great in the future. PTSD relationships will always take lots of hard work from both parties. Honestly, neither of you seems ready to be in a truly committed relationship right now. He needs to keep working on himself and heal some more. And you need to live your life whether he is there or not, and not be at his beck and call, as hard as that is. Remember, you matter too, and all the I love you's in the world mean nothing if there are no actions to support this.

 

[stacymarie88]

Thank you so much..

He attended one session a week ago. He said the doctor just wanted to prescribe him pills. He is trying to see another doctor .. He has two more appointments set and is trying to get into group therapy.. We have been together for 3 years.. I'm very bad at trying to explain all this.. Its so hard for me to let him go bc I love him so much. At the present moment, we are good.. but looking into the future.. it's not what I want.. I want someone that can be there for me even financially. I just feel so bad bc he doesn't deserve to go through all this. he has never ever called me a bad word or been violent. Its hard letting go of something that is about the future.. I wish I could just let him see that he will be okay going through this alone.. it makes me cry when I see him upset=( My family doesn't understand at all. I know my well being needs to be a focus also. it's just something about this guy.. he is a great guy and thats why.. but he is going through problems=(

 

[nursenurse]

I think maybe you need at some point to be clear to him about your status as friends, that will come. If you lead him to believe it is more it just becomes messier in the long run. You are very right in that partnership deserves more. And finances are a huge issue even in the best of marriages. It is not selfish to go for your dreams and goals. Even without the PTSD, he may not have been the right one for you, but he would have been maybe easier to walk away from. Keep telling him you are friends, and for heaven's sake, if that is how you see yourself, and even if you feel you are more, don't be jumping into the sack, lol. That just complicates issues more, and you certainly do not want or need a child together at this stage of the game. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@stacymarie88,
If he's going to psychiatrists looking for something other than medication, 99 times out of 100 he is going to be disappointed. Simply put, psychiatrists hand out drugs all day long. They don't do therapy. Oftentimes they won't even suggest a direction to go in for therapy or refer you to a therapist because there are so many different types of therapies out there. He needs to find a trauma therapist to help him. Going to a psychiatrist and being mad that he's suggesting medication is like going to a bar and being upset that they serve liquor. Simply put, that's what they do, that is their function. If he doesn't want drugs, he needs a therapist, not a doctor.

 

[WillyKat]

Agree with Solara 100%. I would suggest a licensed psychologist. In fact, I suggest more than one, set up a meeting with each, then decide who is the best fit, and start therapy for real.

 

[nursenurse]

Not 100% in agreement with both above posts, however, psychs have been trained to diagnose a myriad of problems, and they do therapy as well as prescribe drugs. They specialize in psychiatry, but it is hard to find one that specializes in each individual area of psychiatry.
But are they your best bet? I think in combination with a good psychologist, they can make an essential part of the team. And if he needs medication, then he needs it, short term or whatever.

Any one therapist who thinks they are the be all and end all to any sort of problem, be they a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or anyone else, is not worth their salt. Some people need one, some need someone else, others need an integrative approach. Whomever anyone chooses, if they are worth their salt and the piece of paper their qualifications are written on, will realize this.

 

[jmm214407]

So who has the PTSD here you or him?? And I have to be honest I've read a number of these responses and I have to admit I'm a little disappointed. Since when was the answer to everything giving up and moving on? I read one thing on here I agreed with. Maybe you don't have to give up, but take a step back work on rebuilding yourself so that you feel happy in things you do and knowing you are fine being alone.

Maybe some couples therapy would help so that you both cam get it all out there. All your issues that is. Find the source of your problems! Caise you just don't start having problems cause everything is great do you? No! There's an issue going on within one of you find it!! See if its repairable. I'll tell you right now I let my PTSD get the best of me and o hurt the woman I love! I have done so many awful things to her that she at this point has turned her back on me.

And I fought amd fought to try and get her back for me! Not realizing what my ass really needed to do was focus on getting better for me! I am improving so much I even let her go. HOWEVER I let her go by also telling her I love her very much and when I am better I am coming back for her so that she can see if she sees a change. And I will tell you this website is soooooo helpful! I've learned quite a bit from @bell and @MoeX and I still take their honesty even tho its hurts sometimes.

Fimd what makes you happy in your process tho. Heal yourself and if he wants to join you seek further help together. Cause you can't make a rainbow without some rain right. I don't know if I'll ever get my fiance back. Butyou better bbelieve I'm gonna try. When I feel confident in myself and happy with who I am.

 

[nursenurse]

She has clearly said it is not what she wants. Even though she loves him, it isn't what she wants. That is what I am going with here.

 

[jmm214407]

Nobody ever wants to let go of the person they love. However I think if you truly love someone and you don't want to lose that, you can do more than just quit. There's couple's therapy there's ways to get to know where the problem is so that you can face it and squash it. Or you can let it defeat you. I'm a fighter so therefore I don't believe in giving up so easily.

Especially when someone has PTSD. Cause its not their real mindset of being mean or avoiding and neglecting their relationship. We just don't see things the way a person should. And it sucks! Cause I know I love my ex finance and she's in the spot where she is done with me. But I'm not giving up. I'm backing off to work on my problems so I can hopefully one day show her I can be the man who can make her happy.