Hope Request! Experience on making it through depression?

[Hopefulphoenix]

Hello.

I am new on this forum, and glad to have found it coz I am struggling so much..and do not want to feel like I am going through this alone anymore. It would be so nice to connect with some people to share some experience and strength.
I have struggled with depression all my life, but since getting active CPTSD and since losing my beloved therapist a year and a half ago, I have suffered alot with long periods of severe depression and ptsd symptoms thrown in there too. Yuk.
Medication doesnt really help me as I think I get the depressions coz of just not yet being able to manoeuvre life with PTSD!
In February I am getting a new therapist, but am interested in what I can do for myself to lessen the pain until then?
I definately have parts of me of different ages. Not like with DID, but I suspect my depression being linked to the youngest part of me being too scared to come into present time..if that makes any sense? So I mostly feel like a little girl all the time..not in my tolerance window. Im scared to be out of the house even.
Do other people here have it that they fear other people in depression? I isolated alot for years earlier when I first got sick, and other people, well I feel so different to them. After getting sick I moved countries so I dont have any real friends here beyond acquitances. And the family I do have are back in the uk..they arent so helpful when im low.
What I am doing is getting out of bed, eating, making myself bike to the shop (which I hate! and it does not get easier..) for exercise and to stop me being a hermit again. And Im trying to sketch a bit.
My ex husband is my best friend so im with him and my children in the evenings (we live apart right now),
but oh my goodness! depression is so painful, it is very hard to exist when you constantly feel emotional pain..it disconnects me so much.I know I love my kids but I dont feel it, and then I get all the guilt on top.
Again im not sure if this is common but I cant listen to music at all now or read. I am so sensitive.
So..people..I need hope that this darkness will go over..its been many months now..The generic depression helping comments on the net I find about joining a yoga course or exercising (I wish wish wish I still got that endorphin boost!) make me feel more different. I feel shame to write that I feel fear just walking outside..
I need hope that all this super, often minute by minute, struggle with pain and blankness will be worth it!!

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm really happy you found this site, there is healing in that alone. Rally sorry you are in the depths of it right now, I know it can be lonely, scary and can seem hopeless but it's not.

I love that you reached out on the site by posting here. I still can't always do that and imo is one of the most important things we can do. To find support in the moment is brave.

Riding your bike is great for depression really any exercise and the fact that you do it outside furthers the benefits. You are reminding me to get on my treadmill this morning so thank you.

Are you able to distract with a movie, art, coloring book?

 

[KimmyO]

So glad you are here! So sorry you are hurting deeply with depression and anxiety caused by ptsd. It is good that you are biking and getting out some! Truly, I am proud of you! Hey, something that has helped many and did help me a lot too is taking magnesium and ginseng. The calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts that loop around an disable us. Many Doctors are even agreeing it helps a lot. When you are sorted out physically, the rest is easier. Also, get out and lay on the grass, it does wonders, grounding us and looking up at sunny sky or starry night, brings things back into perspective. Another thing is volunteering in any way you can or feel led. It gets us out of our own problems and when we help others it helps us. Hope these help you too! =)

 

[Abstract]

Hi and welcome! I think there is always hope of finding change and healing. I am not at all depressed at present despite having 2 big things happening in my life at the moment and having struggled with it I think most of my life in some way.

You sound like you have a little tendency towards agoraphobia and that some of this is linked to trauma too. I find with depression I need to look at what is fueling it and try to deal with that. Self talk. Mindset. Ideas about situations. PTSD stuff. Trauma seems to bring in an instant truck load sometimes. Upping healthy and self caring positive coping skills.

 

[bellbird]

I need hope that all this super, often minute by minute, struggle with pain and blankness will be worth it!!

It will. I promise.
In May of this year I wanted to die. I took an overdose exactly 1 week after I graduated university.

It failed, obviously, and instead of ending up in a state of eternal nothingness, I found myself in a psych ward for 3 weeks.

When I finally got discharged, the people I had been living with wouldn't allow me to move back in.

I never thought that life would feel "worth living" ever again.
Each day took all of my effort just to make it through. The end of the day came and I'd achieved nothing.

Well, sort of.

It felt like I'd achieved nothing, but really I was surviving through one of the hardest times of my life.
I look back now and I am grateful for all the effort I gave to get through those days.

I am grateful that I didn't give up, even when I couldn't see the light.
And I'm grateful for the people who encouraged me to keep going, to keep fighting, and that things would one day be ok again.

Fast forward to now.
I'm still on medication, I still have weekly therapy and doctors visits, but you what? I actually enjoy living.
I don't want to die anymore.

And where before the world felt grey and void of any pleasure, I now have things that I actually like doing.
I get out of the house and run along the river. I cook, and I tend to my vege garden, and I work on my studies.
I still have bad days, but I also have days where I laugh and smile and feel happy.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm really glad you found us and reached out.

It really does get better.
We'll be here to support you until you're able to see that for yourself again.

 

[Wendell_R]

I definately have parts of me of different ages. Not like with DID

Oh, that's me exactly! I haven't had depression in a long time, but the parts and their unheard turmoil sent me into daily anxiety and years-long addiction. It has taken time, and a good therapist or two, but now that turmoil is largely gone, and I feel joy on many days.
This is such a safe place, and posting here has really helped me. I can't imagine that when I was depressed I would have been brave enough to post as you have. Thanks for sharing, and I wish you peace & healing.

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

It will. I promise.
In May of this year I wanted to die. I took an overdose exactly 1 week after I graduated university.

It failed, obviously, and instead of ending up in a state of eternal nothingness, I found myself in a psych ward for 3 weeks.

When I finally got discharged, the people I had been living with wouldn't allow me to move back in.

I never thought that life would feel "worth living" ever again.
Each day took all of my effort just to make it through. The end of the day came and I'd achieved nothing.

Well, sort of.

It felt like I'd achieved nothing, but really I was surviving through one of the hardest times of my life.
I look back now and I am grateful for all the effort I gave to get through those days.

I am grateful that I didn't give up, even when I couldn't see the light.
And I'm grateful for the people who encouraged me to keep going, to keep fighting, and that things would one day be ok again.

Fast forward to now.
I'm still on medication, I still have weekly therapy and doctors visits, but you what? I actually enjoy living.
I don't want to die anymore.

And where before the world felt grey and void of any pleasure, I now have things that I actually like doing.
I get out of the house and run along the river. I cook, and I tend to my vege garden, and I work on my studies.
I still have bad days, but I also have days where I laugh and smile and feel happy.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm really glad you found us and reached out.

It really does get better.
We'll be here to support you until you're able to see that for yourself again.

Thank you, this post really helped. Especially when you wrote about the feeling of achieving nothing..but really you were surviving one of the hardest times. Waiting for feb to begin therapy feels agonising and unfair, especially as I have been fighting and surviving feeling this low and lost for 5 months already. Everyday I dont know how I do it.
Its frustrating feeling such sharp internal pain and fear and not being able to do anything significant to alleviate it myself, when I want to so much.
I have my ex husband as an amazing support, he really wont walk away from me. But he needs us to be separated for a while, so I can learn to support myself. Have never lived alone, I spend loads of time at my old house with him and the kids, but I am so scared. I have never learned to really regulate and help myself, am scared its not possible!
So glad you made it, I want to be able to tell people the same : )

 

[bellbird]

Waiting for feb to begin therapy feels agonising and unfair, especially as I have been fighting and surviving feeling this low and lost for 5 months already. Everyday I dont know how I do it.

Gosh yeah, that's got to take a lot of hard work. I'm really proud of you for fighting every day though.

I have my ex husband as an amazing support, he really wont walk away from me. But he needs us to be separated for a while, so I can learn to support myself

I'm very glad you have your ex husband as support.
Sounds like he's trying to put some healthy boundaries in place, in order for you to be able live a better life, so he clearly really cares about you and has your best interests at heart.

I have never learned to really regulate and help myself, am scared its not possible!

It might be hard,, but that doesn't mean you can't do it. That was the advice that my supervisor gave me during one of the times he came to visit me in the psych ward.
I see that for you too. I mean, you're already surprising yourself by getting through each day without really knowing how, I think you will surprise yourself in this instance too. You are much stronger than you realise.

Have you tried any modalities other than therapy, while you wait for things to start up in Feb?
Folks on here do all sorts of things like going for walks outside, gardening, painting/drawing, writing and poetry, among many others.
I know how hard it is to want to actually -do- something when we are feeling depressed, but sometimes we need to just summon up all our strength and try. Only then can we know whether it helps or not.

So glad you made it, I want to be able to tell people the same : )

And thank you, I am sure that you will too. :hug:

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Hi @Hopefulphoenix and welcome! I know this is a bit older post, but I hope it gives you hope! I struggle(d?) with mild to severe depression from the time I was 5 to around February of this year, when I turned 21. Now that I've been through intensive trauma therapy, I have so many more coping skills and ability to function. I feel like a real person again!! I went from last year having to leave college from nearly killing myself, to this year, with almost a 4.0 in my classes, an internship lined up for next semester, a community back here at home, and I feel almost impervious sometimes to some of my PTSD symptoms. Now if only my physical health would get on board with my healing ? Today was even a "bad" day, just mildly depressed for no good reason, but I was able to resolve some of it and I survived! I used to drink myself into a blackout when I was depressed, and today not even a drop. I used to self harm all the time, and the urge is now so mild I've been able to buy eyeliner sharpeners again. I know that's not all depression based, but there is hope! Good therapy and sometimes medication can really help. I wish you the best in your journey. This site is really incredible!

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

Thank you so much @Strangelongtrip. Its great that you got help with this. This forum IS quite amazing. Been looking for such a thing for years. What I love about it is the warmth, maturity and knowledge..and most of all general lack of triggery crisis posting which is very common in such groups. It already helps alot!!

@bellbird Thank you for your reply!
It meant alot to me. I have started feeling a little better since writing this post. I think support from this forum has def been a contributing factor. I am no longer in tons of emotional pain every minute. My anxiety is crazy now instead, but Im trying to accept that. (I just want to feel safe in my skin grrrr!!!!!!)
I liked what you said about feeling that you cant- not being the same as impossibility. It still feels impossible tho and I hate living alone!!
But at the same time I can see how freeing it would be to take on that massive fear and work on it.
You are right about my ex. He is a dear man indeed and has agreed to say we are still together, as long as I agree to really work on fear of being alone.
Maybe February is a bit closer now?!
Anyway one thing I have started doing is trying to learn to sketch. Im hoping in the long run It will help me. Right now its mostly frustrating, I spent 3 consecutive days trying to sketch a deers eyeball then just had to start with a squirrel instead.
I used to paint in a non depressed period, I dont have the calmness in my body or patience to start with that..but one day..
Also Im going to start a trauma diary intro. Just writing really helps!

 

[bellbird]

Hey @Hopefulphoenix it sounds like you're utilising a lot of healthy coping mechanisms which is great! :hug:
So glad that your emotional pain has reduced somewhat, too.
Your anxiety will get there as well :) my anxiety hangs around on days where even my depression has left, which is just soo frustrating, so I completely relate to what you're feeling.

But.
I also have days where I won't feel anxious first thing in the morning when I wake up (which always used to happen), or where there'll be a good chunk of the day I'm not anxious and it's such a nice feeling.
I know you will get there too. And you've got good techniques to help you on your way.

My trauma diary has helped me so much, I hope you will find the same with yours :hug:

 

[erigby]

@Hopefulphoenix I know it must seem like February might as well be an eternity away...another life-time. Depression makes time stand so still...as if it creeps by without the least amount of care for the one who is suffering. Sleep was often the only way I moved from day to day.
It sounds like you are doing a lot of things to keep you going (I realize that sounds so cliche) but it is true.
I used to hate my therapist when he would tell me I was doing all of the right things. I wanted to scream at him and throw things at him because I didn't feel like I was getting any better.
But...I did get better. It didn't happen overnight and most days...just deciding to get up, exercise, eat something and try to even remotely function was harder than when I trained for and ran a marathon, almost drowned while surfing, gave birth to 2 children without pain relief and broke an ankle playing soccer on a field covered in patches of ice (talk about being cold).
I know it can sound hopeless to be told "keep doing what you're doing."
Write about how hard it is.
Continue to post here and converse with people.
Find people you trust to stay connected with.
And don't be shy about calling the T's office and see if there are any cancellations.
From what you have said you are doing many things to keep going.
It sucks to feel so bad and so hopeless. I am so sorry you are feeling this way.
Stay connected. As best as you can.