General House Must Be Like Show House

[Sunshine71]

Dear all

Unless we are living in a kind of show home with spotless house hubby is angry and stressed.

Is this part of everyones PTSD?

I work up this morning at 5am to his chucking several pairs of shoes into the spare room. It really upsets me as they don't belong there anyway!!

I cant cope with the PTSD - working flat out, earning money to pay for everything, provide & make healthy food, stepping things up for our son to find him some interests and take him to clubs, sort things out with the school as he is so behind - and keep the house completely immaculate.

He has come into my office saying he feels useless he is trying to get better and tidying up helps him feel useful.

He is not tidying up his stuff though!! His things are all over the place!!!

He came to talk however when I started saying my side he walked out slamming the door.

He has had a big night with his friends, spent all weekend on his hobby/ business and not made any effort for me and our son.

He even went to a talk about working with charities - so could be away for 1 month or longer.

It sounds as though he doesn't want to be with us - however he says he does.

I will try to crack on today but I am stressed and have chest pains again.

I would really appreciate knowing if this part of PTSD generally or something else?

Thanks all - Sunshine

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

He sounds confused, and for me at least that is a part of PTSD. I am either spotlessly tidy or horribly messy and disorganised - that comes from me needing to be in control of my surroundings - I don't mind my mess, but other peoples mess (in my room in particular) distinctly bothers me. The control part is to do with PTSD/trauma. He says he wants to be useful, is there some tidying that he could do that would help, or helping with the kitchen to a) lighten your responsibilities and to b) give him some purpose around the house. As for going away or wanting to be out with friends, maybe he's going through a rough patch and just needs some space with people who don't know about the PTSD. Whilst I'd be lost without people who knew I had it, there is some relief about being away from them occasionally as it helps me pretend just for a while I'm normal.

I know that's all the way/reasons I would react not your husband, but I don't know if it give you some in sight. Losing control over a situation is much like losing control over myself and that brings flashbacks and pain and I feel like I could never grab hold of reality to pull myself back. (I don't mean completely control-freak but even the loss of purpose or understanding when people try to help too much makes me feel lost.)

In answer to your question it could well be part of the PTSD.

AJ
xx

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you so much AJ - really appreciated.

I wish I could just let it go I suppose but it just is so annoying and gives me more to do.

We have lost paperwork, not signed things we should have and more - all because he just shoves things away.

Well since I posted I have been sobbing my eyes out, got so angry that I threw a chair and bashed the fridge with the kitchen door.

My head is thumping and I feel sick. However we are both OK now.

He is very un happy and we have cleared the air.

It is so sad that our little son is a trigger :O(

He is filling in some forms to gain some further support - forms that he has had for 2 months.

So hopefully this big upset has brought something positive.

Thanks again AJ and I still welcome anyone elses thoughts.....

Yours - trying to focus and not lose the whole day

Sunshine xx

 

[discarded]

When my sufferer is in the throws of a PTSD episode he goes into what i call control mode. He has to control everything from the housework to the cooking to the household finances. I think because he feels so out of control within himself he gains balance by controlling everything he can around him.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks Discarded and hope you are doing well.

It does make sense.

My hubby isn't able to do the finances - even before PTSD and so maybe controlling the house is some kind of crutch / support.

Do I just leave it then and accept it or continue to say these are boundaries that when crossed upset me.

Its always my things and our sons stuff! And they are always put in the wrong place.

I know in the grand scheme of things it is really nothing.

Huge thanks Sunshine xx

 

[Hashi]

EDITED TO ADD: I've just realised this was in supporter discussion. I thought it was in PTSD relationships. I hope you dont mind me posting, as a sufferer.


I don't think it's PTSD generally. I think it's PTSD symptoms combined with something else.

I'm a sufferer. I understand wanting things tidy, wanting to be in control and not being able to deal with paperwork. At the same time, I also have to try to respect the needs of people around me. I may be the only one with PTSD, but I'm not the only one whose feelings and energy levels need to be taken into account. What I need has to be negotiated with others.

Do you have any agreements in place with your husband? Have you discussed boundaries?

This may sound like a harsh thing to say, but if he's behaving like this it's not only because he has a need to. It's because he can, and you will still be there working to be smiling and supportive. If he can find the resilience to socialise, spend a little time on hobbies and business, and do charity work for a month, then he can find the resilience to make more effort with you and your son, or to listen when you need to discuss something. He has some energy and capability, and he's prioritising other things over you. In answer to your original question, I don't think that's PTSD alone. My impression is that it's someone with PTSD acting a little selfishly, because he's getting away with it.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say he finds your son a trigger. I wonder if you mean stressor? For your son to be a trigger would mean he was a link directly to a traumatic experience. [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.13912/[/DLMURL] If your son really is a trigger then I apologise and please ignore the next three paragraphs.

To take a non-true example, if my trauma was that I was hit over the head with a frying pan then to see a frying pan could be a trigger for me. That might make it difficult for me to help make dinner. But if I got stressed out by having to tidy up the bedroom because I feel I have so little energy to do it, and it reminds me that I have insomnia and how tired and depressed I am - that's a stressor. It is not a direct link to my trauma of being hit over the head with the frying pan.

So, maybe I get out of cooking dinner but it would be reasonable to expect me to tidy up the bedroom. It might be difficult, but if I can do other things then I can do that. Unless I'm choosing, even if it's on an unconscious level, to be too tired/stressed/symptomatic/fragile to do it... and I know, even if it's on an unconscious level, that I'll get away with it.

If your husband says it's a trigger, then I think he's too readily going into "PTSD mode" and opting out of pushing himself through some stress. I'm sure you have to push yourself through some stress, too, to keep going as you are. It's fair that he should do that to - marriage is still a partnership, and each person should contribute what they can. His level of coping may be different from your level, but he can still make the effort within his capabilities.

Having PTSD is grim, and it does mean things can be exhausting and things can be difficult. It can mean I want everything to be tidy, or be a certain way. But it's not an excuse to have everything my way and not make the effort with the people who are supporting me.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you so much Hashi.

Your words and to take the time to write this are so appreciated.

It is interesting - trigger and stressor.

Our son can act in a stressful way - Wanting his own way, pushing the boundaries - however I have noticed that when spending more time with him things are better.

I am not sure if its OK to say our circumstances... I have before....

My husband was just 18 when an 8 year old boy stepped in front of his car and was killed.

It was gory beyond belief and my husband was amazing in dealing with what he was faced with. We had just started going out at this time.

It was through no fault of his own - he was driving at 20 mph and was cleared completely - there was nothing anyone could do.

So now 18 years later and PTSD was not even in our lives other than the odd bad dream - and we have own own son.

My husband can be giving him a hug - and suddenly it is the boy who died.

I know it is only a word however it would be wonderful if our son wasn't a trigger. No matter what the word though it is so horrible and unfair that this happens.

Thanks for reading.

Love Sunshine

 

[Hashi]

Sunshine, I respect and understand what you say. I'm sorry for what you and your husband are going through.

From the perspective of someone with PTSD, I would both deeply sympathise with this, and I would also see it as an opportunity to heal what has happened in the past - far from easy, and possibly the hardest thing in a lifetime, but my experience of trauma is that this is how things work.

I am also still a very hard human being, and say that this is not related to listening to your concerns when you need to talk. PTSD has made me a tough nut, maybe. I still don't believe it gives me the final say on everything.

I wish you and your husband well.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you Hashi - I understand a little too - it is hardening my husband too :O(

Take care Sunshine x