How an apology works

[Freida]

I have to agree you are being a bit harsh - but I also understand. When the dam broke it was hard enough to deal with MY emotions - I had little left to give to hubby. And poor hubby -- one day he has a successful, happy, overachieving wife and then suddenly he has an unemployed, untrusting, angry one. So yea- the ptsd diagnosis rocked both our worlds.

It's tough to work thru this on your own-- It can be even tougher with another person. But you might touch base with your counselor and see if some couples therapy could help....

 

[Gs172003]

Your hubby may not mean he really wants to quit, he may just be frustrated and not know how to say it. You are saying one thing and showing him another.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I am confused.

If partner and I have a discussion face to face and he ends up saying he’s don...

Your red flag for me: If someone really wants to apologize, they should do it face to face, acknowledge their behavior, recognize the pain their behavior caused the other person, and be present while the person processes the apology.

This sounds like a text book apology to me and I doubt they all happen just this way.

Here are my thoughts: Do you set the standard for the apology in your relationship? If it isn't done just like this, will it be wrong or not acceptable if done differently? Would you even recognize it as an apology or attempted apology if it didn't meet your prescribed formula for an apology? I only say this, because in my marriage I lived in a house full of rules....and in response.....made up my own expectations for someone's appropriate behavior..apologies were one of them....I got flowers once as an apology...with no sorry words, and I squashed that making such a huge deal that it wasn't words...never got flowers again for 25 years of marriage....until I was leaving the marriage....... then he gave me a rose for my new house....the jerk!

This taught me that I can only control my apologies, and not someone else's. What my apology looks like to me might not be exactly the same as someone else's apology looks like to them. And they might not likely craft their apology with the same bells and whistles as I do, and cross t's and dot i's....in the same way. Apologies can be complex or simple. Depends on the degree of the problem and on one's mental capacity to climb into someone else's head and feel what they feel. If they don't have empathy...you might not feel it no matter what method they try.

Since apologies aren't broken down and specifically taught in curriculum at school, and many families don't adequately teach the value of an apology, they come in all shapes and sizes, some good...some not as good, sometimes not at all, and I'm not sure there is one right method. This combined with constantly changing technology (phone, face time, photos, social mail, e-mail, text) makes it more confusing...what is the right way? Who knows?......Plus, different generations/ages/cultures/customs, people may view an "optimal apology" in different ways....and always dependent on the situation. Face to face...might be .ideal but not always possible or practical ...so via phone or face time next best option. A simple note, card, or even sticky note works! For something more minor....via text is okay....if that is a kind of communication that you have used and reinforced it as okay. In other words, have you ever said "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to say or do that"or "Sorry our day started out rough...hope yours gets better?" via text? You only need to do so to make this kind of apology "okay." I know I have...so, I set a standard that text apologies are okay. I don't always say, "I'm so sorry I ruined your day with my whining....blah, blah, blah, and I hope you will forgive me." Have you ever done something nice for someone (like cook them their favorite dinner) as an apology and left the I'm sorry words, unspoken?....this is also acceptable if that is where your relationship is. Action with unspoken apologies count, too I think.

I can, from experience say, if you are expecting an apology always to go down in a specific manner, more likely you will be focused on "the apology process wasn't right" and if an apology came, it will never be good enough or possibly even missed. Maybe you and your partner need to sit down and craft out what "sorry" could look like in your relationship and avoid the word should. Finally, I believe apologies for more serious things need to be accepted so the other person knows it, to be healing, and not left to hang out there as old stuff never finished-it will just eat at you, and creep back in at the most inconvenient moment in your relationship-one thing more on the laundry list. Just my thoughts. Good luck.

 

[Rose White]

Your hubby may not mean he really wants to quit, he may just be frustrated and not know how to say it.

Ok, here’s the thing though—he has frightened me with leaving for all our marriage, even before the memories surfaced, and I always soothed him. Whether he realized it or not that was manipulative! And what really is messing with me is that somehow there is a consensus that he can say whatever because he’s frustrated but if I say I’m leaving then it’s really over—because to me words have meaning.

 

[Gs172003]

Ok, here’s the thing though—he has frightened me with leaving for all our marriage, even bef...

Yeah that is really manipulative.

 

[Rose White]

Except I already admitted to feeling like I lied when I responded to his “I love you.”

So my words don’t have meaning? I’m completely willing to accept all responsibility and that is not good either.

Apologies should be face to face if the occurrence happened face to face and you are able to be face to face—YES.

Apology should own the behavior that caused the hurt—YES.

Apology should acknowledge the hurt that happened in the other person—YES.

I am “shoulding”, yes. Have I told husband how I think apology should work? It has been up front in my recovery.

Everyone gets to decide what they will accept from others, both the offenses and the apologies. If you think I am being to strict or demanding too much then maybe you just have different limits of what you consider acceptable. I am trying to develop self-respect for the first time ever in my life and I’ve been on this earth for four decades, so if I’m swinging a little too hard in the opposite direction, that might be why.

@Zoogal, that was not directed at you personally. It was at anyone who thinks I’m being harsh.

Thank you for the validation—yes it was manipulative of him and to think that it’s still happening... blech

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m curious as to why you set down hard boundaries with apologies but not with your husband threatening to leave the marriage?

 

[TruthSeeker]

Ok, here’s the thing though—he has frightened me with leaving for all our marriage, even bef...

So if you had one topic to tack your concern with hubby under, would it be "acceptable apologies in my marriage" or
is the apology the real issue? Or is fear of abandonment or something else what's worrying you?

I’m curious as to why you set down hard boundaries with apologies but not with your husband thr...

Wise words.

 

[Freida]

he has frightened me with leaving for all our marriage, even before the memories surfaced, and I always soothed him. Whether he realized it or not that was manipulative!

ahhhhh - yes this changes things. So the communication issue has been there all along (If he wasn't manipulating you on purpose that is...).
Then it would make sense that when your world changed it made that part more prevalent. Maybe some resentment you had earlier now bubbling up?? And yea - trying to juggle that with the fun filled world of ptsd would be hard!

Maybe a trip to a marriage counselor to teach you both some better ways of communicating would be beneficial? Which might be especially important as you go deeper into recovery work.....

 

[Mytime]

I feel like part of your recovery is finding your voice. My husband would say PTDS gave him his voice back. (anger gave him a voice) I never took his voice away. He chose to keep feelings inside. I was always very open on how I was feeling good or bad. When he was symptomatic and I tried to Express how I was feeling, things didn’t end with a good out come. So I stopped using my voice. For a while I blamed him for me losing my voice. But the truth was, I made the choice. Just like he made the choice. Couples therapy worked for my marriage. Learning to listen to each other’s perspective and also learning how you each process things differently.
Couples therapy isn’t about who’s right or wrong. It’s learning how to communicate, looking at our own behaviours. Seeing what we need to change and how we react and interact with each other. No one is prefect, we are all human. You are both going through some changes in your relationship and in yourself. I do wish you the best in your recovery.

 

[Rose White]

why [do] you set down hard boundaries with apologies but not with your husband threatening to leave the marriage?

Super good question.

I never realized that a person could set a boundary about that. :wideeyed:

It never even dawned on me.

But that doesn’t make sense, right? How could you not know that you could set up a boundary for that?

First of all, boundaries are a new thing, so... setting them up has been a new experience.

I just never thought of it.

You can say that? What do you say? “No more threatening to leave. If you do, then you should just leave immediately.”

He always says (usually the next day), “I didn’t mean it, I was just scared, I’ll never do it again.”

So then I say, “Too bad,” right?

I know that you can’t tell me what to say and I know that it’s different for everyone, but am I getting the point?

@Freida we are going to marriage counselor, tonight in fact. Last week I couldn’t speak. No idea how it will go tonight. Hopefully I talk about all this sh*t.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think a boundary would be like saying I cannot handle it when you threaten to leave the relationship. If you continue to threaten to leave, I will assume that you are being serious and move toward separating from you. I think boundaries are more about us saying what we will/will not do if a certain unacceptable behavior continues.

Sadly he’s been bluffing for so long that he may not accept what you say as true. The key is in following through.