How Assertive Do You Need To Be

[EmmaOwl]

I'm thinking about asserting myself in all kinds of psychiatric (and other health) care. I'm really really upset that I'm left standing here with nothing from a support. Less than nothing. I end up depending somewhat here on this site... and I always hope to help others who depend on this place, too.

When things are up in the air, I never know the right level of assertiveness... When do you write a business complaint letter, or a chatty letter, or a defensive letter...or if you speak to a friend or family member! Well this is pretty vague isn't it. Sorry about that.

I guess what I mean is, I'm already unbalanced and now have had the rug pulled out from under me. A surprising lapse from a generally supportive person. Anyone have any suggestions, how to approach this kind of thing? What do you do when you feel like you are being overlooked, in any situation - job, family, etc.? How do you go about, explaining people who you know care about you.. explaining how they can help you best. Are people here comfortable asking for what they need, or generally just stay quiet? I'm definitely a mix.

 

[mamachick]

Im sorry you are struggling with this. I wish I could say that I am able to ask for what I need, but I am often not. Often I don't even know what I need or want.
First you mentioned assertion in psychiatric and other health care. Then spoke of the rug being pulled out from under you. I could have written this. This has happened to me repeatedly due to my insurance. The plan changes every few months and I have had no continuity for many year. Over several years, this has been very damaging. I was denied services after initial assault followed by overdose due to over medication-could services have even prevented ptsd? Possibly. It is very frustrating. I have thought about writing that letter or addressing some way, but don't have the energy......

From what you are saying this far, it seems that you need to take some action for yourself to prevent feeling overlooked in the future.

 

[Claire Ballard]

I'm thinking about asserting myself in all kinds of psychiatric (and other health) care. I'm really re...

I totally identity with your situation and find myself completely overlooked and often taken advantage of too. Getting help is impossible, I never seem to get a straight answer, smoke and mirrors.. Dangerously frustrating situation..
Sorry I'm not offering solutions but I want you to know you are not alone.
Kindest regards Claire x

 

[mamachick]

I realize you have questions in this post.
What do you do when you feel you are being overlooked...
For myself, I have to ask myself, how important will this be in a year or 5 yrs. If someone is withholding medical care for diagnosis for example, that could come with big consequences. If being ignored may cost you being able to work, again, big consequences. If I have been left out of an invite-that my feelings being hurt then I can manage that on my own, or with just letting the person know politely and without a big deal.

Can you imagine the infraction on a scale of say 1-5, and then think of resolutions on scale of 1-5, with 1 being doing nothing, and 5 being extremely important and needing firm attention.

 

[BlueOrange]

I've been experimenting with asserting myself more, and it's been working pretty well. There are a bunch of different ways that things can be handled, and matching them to situations can be tricky. There are no hard-and-fast rules.

Try to be gentle.
Try to be direct - don't rely on them to interpret you if you can speak plainly.
Avoid speculating about the other person's motives, problems or reasons.
Ideally, use face to face conversation to get a complete picture before writing anything.

 

[Muted]

I can also be a mix. Sometimes I can be pretty vocal, but if I get shut down I often will see it very black and white (they said they can't do this) and wouldn't ever ask them to reconsider. I don't want someone to do anything for me that they feel like they 'have' to even if my request is reasonable. I don't like feeling dependent on others either.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Often I don't even know what I need or want.

Ha, I know that feeling! That can be getting myself into 'hopeless' territory - avoid at all costs.

For myself, I have to ask myself, how important will this be in a year or 5 yrs

Can you imagine the infraction on a scale of say 1-5, and then think of resolutions on scale of 1-5, with 1 being doing nothing, and 5 being extremely important and needing firm attention.

@brat17 Both of these are good, concrete ways to think about cloudy issues.... Much more so than I expected to see! Your mention of years is an especially helpful suggestion for "framing" things... Because I've been so sick for so many years, on disability for so many years, improving but seems to always be a snail's pace. Good people in my life will tell me, "You are better than two years ago. You are better than one year ago." And those are statements that I cling to, it can be difficult for me to see past a negative 'in the moment' state of mind.
The other I see as a graph, like x axis and y axis. That's something for me to ponder. Thank you SO MUCH, Brat, for your thoughtful responses.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Sorry I'm not offering solutions but I want you to know you are not alone.

Sometimes that is the solution in itself, Claire, to know you're not alone. Thank you for posting your thoughts on this. I hope you are able to get beyond the "smoke and mirrors" that you have been facing... and I hope to see you post more around the board. It's a good place to be, a good place to learn from others though it can be overwhelming, especially when new. Send me a PC/message if you feel like it!

 

[EmmaOwl]

@BlueOrange - trying not to assign motives to other people is key...and very, very difficult for me. Gentle and direct are good guidelines, but maybe a little tough to balance.

I don't like feeling dependent on others either.

Me too! When I can gather a sense of control.... Well, it does me so much good, when I look around and see so much chaos. Thanks for posting.