I've lived with my roommate for two and a half years. We're similar in a lot of ways, but different enough to be interesting. We've had only minor 'conflicts' things such as who's pan is whose and who should write a check to who on whatever expenses. We recently moved out of our old place (in a hurry) and moved back in together last weekend after a month and a half.
Here's the deal: He has a new gf of 2ish months and it's already been awkward/caused issue.
We talked about it beforehand because we have a 2 bdrm 1 bath with a tiny kitchen and I told him in an honest but respectful way that I don't want a third roommate in such a small space. He was cool about that, and reassured me that she would be conscious of this too. She currently stays with a friend, after recently ending a long term abusive relationship. We moved in to our new place one week ago; he's been at her place 0 times and they've been at our place 1 night/morning, 1 all day Friday+night, and 1 all day Saturday in the house for all but an hour on Sat.
I know this is normal roommate stuff, but I'm finding it difficult to know how best to navigate all this.
My frustrations include:
-Annoyance that this is the first weekend after we moved in and she's there for most of it so I can't take a moment to just breathe and be in this new space.
-Distrust of her. I don't necessarily dislike her, but her stories are pretty out there. These include: Her ex has millions of dollars in assets and she's defending herself in the divorce and expects she'll get $6k a month in alimony. She was previously a stripper. She witnessed a murder while staying at her friends.
-My roommate drinks minimally. On Saturday, they woke up at 10 and he started to cook her breakfast and she signals that he get down the wine, he says, "You want this?" and pours her a glass. She asks if he's going to have one and he does. She then proceeds to drink 1 and another, states how relaxing it is to have wine and asks he kind of challenging-ly if I drink. I respond, "Not much."
I did what I could on Saturday. I went out, I meditated, and I thought hard on what was bothering me so I could voice it to my roommate when appropriate. I decided that early in a relationship it makes sense to want to spend lots of time with a person (and in a house because everyone likes to have sex more early in their relationships), so Saturday will just have to be a wash, and things will likely be different when she's not in a temporary place with others. However, the alcohol piece really bothered me. It's triggering from growing up in an alcoholic household, and it's about wanting to be in a peaceful home where I feel safe.
I brought it up this morning. "I've been thinking about it and there was something that bothered me about Saturday; the drinking beginning so early, and I know it's a thing from personal experience but can we talk about other options. Could you all go out to brunch if you're going to morning drink? Or to the park?" My roommate immediately got heatedly defensive, "I'll have a drink in my own home whenever I please." (kind of aggressive toned). "Did you even have one?" (I hadn't realized it because he didn't make a deal about it). "Yea, I did." "Well if you consistently want to drink throughout the day in your home, I wouldn't want to live here." "Why would I want to drink on a weekday morning? Why? Give me a reason why I would do that?" (agressive). "I don't think you're actually asking that question; I think you're saying that bothers you. Could we compromise that if you all drink in the morning, you have the drink on the balcony?" "Yes." And then we wound things down and he pointed out that he doesn't get ridiculous drunk which I agreed with but then I pointed out that I don't worry about him, but I don't know her. He said he was sorry "if I got hostile" because the comment felt parental to him. I said yes I did feel like he got hostile and it's the opposite of parental from my experience (lol).
I am worried a lot already with this conflict and I don't have a good feeling about this woman. I keep thinking that not much has happened yet and I can only navigate the circumstances as they arise and if I feel I need to say something, it's okay to do so, especially if I remain calm, present, and respectful. I just don't know how best to have any of these conversations.
Here's the deal: He has a new gf of 2ish months and it's already been awkward/caused issue.
We talked about it beforehand because we have a 2 bdrm 1 bath with a tiny kitchen and I told him in an honest but respectful way that I don't want a third roommate in such a small space. He was cool about that, and reassured me that she would be conscious of this too. She currently stays with a friend, after recently ending a long term abusive relationship. We moved in to our new place one week ago; he's been at her place 0 times and they've been at our place 1 night/morning, 1 all day Friday+night, and 1 all day Saturday in the house for all but an hour on Sat.
I know this is normal roommate stuff, but I'm finding it difficult to know how best to navigate all this.
My frustrations include:
-Annoyance that this is the first weekend after we moved in and she's there for most of it so I can't take a moment to just breathe and be in this new space.
-Distrust of her. I don't necessarily dislike her, but her stories are pretty out there. These include: Her ex has millions of dollars in assets and she's defending herself in the divorce and expects she'll get $6k a month in alimony. She was previously a stripper. She witnessed a murder while staying at her friends.
-My roommate drinks minimally. On Saturday, they woke up at 10 and he started to cook her breakfast and she signals that he get down the wine, he says, "You want this?" and pours her a glass. She asks if he's going to have one and he does. She then proceeds to drink 1 and another, states how relaxing it is to have wine and asks he kind of challenging-ly if I drink. I respond, "Not much."
I did what I could on Saturday. I went out, I meditated, and I thought hard on what was bothering me so I could voice it to my roommate when appropriate. I decided that early in a relationship it makes sense to want to spend lots of time with a person (and in a house because everyone likes to have sex more early in their relationships), so Saturday will just have to be a wash, and things will likely be different when she's not in a temporary place with others. However, the alcohol piece really bothered me. It's triggering from growing up in an alcoholic household, and it's about wanting to be in a peaceful home where I feel safe.
I brought it up this morning. "I've been thinking about it and there was something that bothered me about Saturday; the drinking beginning so early, and I know it's a thing from personal experience but can we talk about other options. Could you all go out to brunch if you're going to morning drink? Or to the park?" My roommate immediately got heatedly defensive, "I'll have a drink in my own home whenever I please." (kind of aggressive toned). "Did you even have one?" (I hadn't realized it because he didn't make a deal about it). "Yea, I did." "Well if you consistently want to drink throughout the day in your home, I wouldn't want to live here." "Why would I want to drink on a weekday morning? Why? Give me a reason why I would do that?" (agressive). "I don't think you're actually asking that question; I think you're saying that bothers you. Could we compromise that if you all drink in the morning, you have the drink on the balcony?" "Yes." And then we wound things down and he pointed out that he doesn't get ridiculous drunk which I agreed with but then I pointed out that I don't worry about him, but I don't know her. He said he was sorry "if I got hostile" because the comment felt parental to him. I said yes I did feel like he got hostile and it's the opposite of parental from my experience (lol).
I am worried a lot already with this conflict and I don't have a good feeling about this woman. I keep thinking that not much has happened yet and I can only navigate the circumstances as they arise and if I feel I need to say something, it's okay to do so, especially if I remain calm, present, and respectful. I just don't know how best to have any of these conversations.
