How did you manage your feelings when you stopped dissociating?

[MyWillow]

Yes please!!!! I can't wait till I can get there. Right now I'm just happy if I can recognize the stupid things:banghead:

I’m with you but hey be kind to yourself eh ;) Your body and mind is doing the best that it can under trying circumstances xxx

 

[Rumors]

Following this as well @barefoot because I am in the same boat. I don't have an answer but only words of encouragement. I really try and see all the beautiful things I was missing bc my life was such a fog. As an example, I would drive to work with the most beautiful sunrises and not be able to take them in bc I was so overwhelmed with fog. Food even tastes better... when it comes to the bad stuff, things that make me want to cry, I just sit with them a little longer and let them wash over me. The pure acknowledgment of being able to just say, "I feel like crap" and not have someone tell me it is ridiculous or that I am not worthy of that emotion is fabulous. I was told I was "ridiculous" so many times as a kid I thought it was my name. I am scared and every time something crops up I feel a little apprehensive about what emotion might come, but I am usually pleasantly surprised by how much better I feel to at least acknowledge the feeling. Stuffing it all sucked...it never went away. Now, I at least have the ability to discuss it with my therapist without feeling shame. Good luck!!!

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for the encouragement @Rumors - sounds like you are making good progress with this.

I am scared and every time something crops up I feel a little apprehensive about what emotion might come, but I am usually pleasantly surprised by how much better I feel to at least acknowledge the feeling. Stuffing it all sucked...it never went away.

Yes, I think I know what you mean here. Now that I am feeling things, I am becoming very aware that holding onto it all by myself is very hard, very tiring and very lonely. And some of the stuff I have shared with my therapist lately hasfelt excruciating at the time but afterwards I have felt some relief. But then I panic about the increased vulnerability and intimacy and then that adds a whole other layer of difficulty. I guess it is about sticking with it and practising and building up tolerance - tolerance to my own feelings and also in being in relationship with her. Sounds so simple!

Thanks for offering some hope :)

 

[JustForToday]

I wasn’t sure whether to put this here on in the Therapy section. I opted for here as I think this i...

I pretty much stopped dissociating a few months ago as well. It certainly can be painful, but sometimes, when I’m happy and feel loved and accepted by the people in my life it’s just so overwhelmingly wonderful...I can’t believe how many years I’ve gone not being able to truly feel my emotions. I’ve missed that, and honestly the strength of my feelings shocked me.

As for the emotional pain thing, specifically as it’s related to therapy, I didn’t find a good answer to that. I can handle the negative emotions attached to my normal life simply by altering my coping mechanisms (safe space, visualization, breathing, etc...), but therapy was too overwhelming and triggering and I couldn’t cope. I ended up quitting, although my T gave me the option to return if I’m up to it sometime. Dissociation is a gift and a curse.

 

[ms spock]

I am much more present. This is obviously good therapeutic progress. And it feels absolutely horrendous!

How do you tolerate feeling all the feelings? It just feels so unbearable and I don’t know what to do with them. I know it is A Good Thing that I’m not dissociating at the moment and it must mean that I don’t “need” to. But it doesn’t feel good and I feel so lost.

Does anyone have any advice? Or is it just (!) a case of keep going to sessions and sitting with the unbearability and my tolerance will gradually increase?

I am really struggling with this as well. It doesn't feel good.

 

[Rumors]

Thanks for the encouragement @Rumors - sounds like you are making good progress wit...

I think one thing we need to remember is that most people have put in to practice their whole lives a more usual relationship pattern. Here we are, middle age for me, trying to learn what vulnerability and communication looks like. It's like trying to teach a middle age person how to swim that is scared of water. We are going to fight the water and look like an idiot for a while before we learn to relax and float. Just remember your therapist is a life jacket if you need one. Hang in there!

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Let's put it another way... You already went through the feelings once when the trauma itself happened and you survived that so feeling them again ain't gonna kill you like it didn't kill you before. I know they are painful and scarey God knows I know that myself all too well but the way I look at it is you believe they won't overwhelm you or do you in then they won't. If on the other hand you believe they will do you in then they will. It all depends on what you believe. I've found recently through my own experiences beliefs perceptions expectations and how you see things dictates how you then FEEL about things. So going on that premise if you change the way you look at the problem surely you can change the way you feel about it. Just my 2 pennies worth toss it or keep it as you desire. Only trying to help.

 

[Freida]

And then this...! :nailbiting:

I finally had my long awaited melt down and oh yea, it sucked. It took 4 days, I couldn't stop shaking/crying/blah blah, set off the fibro, went through more pain pills over the next two weeks than I have in the last 6 months and still haven't gotten on top of the pain. And of course, both my Ts were out of town. Cause y'know, that's life n lemons!

I have been scared to death of this happening. I was truly afraid I would either dissolve or end up under catatonic in a closet somewhere if I let myself feel. And for a while there I wasn't sure I was going to make it. I got to a point where I wondered what lengths I was willing to go to to make it stop. Then it finally started to wind down.

T's are ecstatic. Me - not so much. Their explanation is that this was really the first time I had felt those emotions because it wasn't an option to have them when all the drama occurred. It's also the first time I've felt the pain from the physical injuries - cause y'know, why not re-experience it all? They have been blathering on about me storing this stuff up for all these years and now I finally had a chance to let it out. They say they hit me like a freight train because I have no experience at dealing with emotions to begin with, much less all out terror and pain and rage. They both promise that this will be the worst round because I didn't dissociate to save myself from feeling them.
they say they say they say... And I'm not sure I can believe them

If given the choice of going through that again or dumping therapy I'd take dumping therapy. But at the same time, I understand that the only way to get a grip on this PTSD crap is to walk the path. That means re-experiencing it all in EMDR, talking about my feelings in regular counseling and trying to be aware of my dissociation when it occurs. It also means acknowledging the little wins - like having an emotional dump from hell didn't turn me into a puddle of goo... I actually survived

They have told me all along that the damage is more than I understand, and that I have to give it the time it will take and not try to push it. But I'm afraid I've used up all my strength trying to keep it together for too many years. I don't know that I have the strength to do this over and over.

It certainly can be painful, but sometimes, when I’m happy and feel loved and accepted by the people in my life it’s just so overwhelmingly wonderful...I can’t believe how many years I’ve gone not being able to truly feel my emotions. I’ve missed that, and honestly the strength of my feelings shocked me.

I want to get there.... But the pain was so much worse than I thought it would be......

 

[MyWillow]

Oh @Freida how awful to have to go through all that. So much pain should not be permitted. Your T’s sound pretty cool although I bet it’s hard to hear all that “it will get easier” stuff. How amazing you are to come through all that. Go easy on yourself and don’t forget the self care. I don’t even understand why I dissociate in session so you are MILES ahead of me. I’m in awe.

 

[barefoot]

Am a little behind on this thread as I’ve been, well, busy losing my shit, basically! So, I’m just now revisiting and catching up on more recent posts, which I appreciate.

the strength of my feelings shocked me.

Yes, that’s what I’m finding too. I seem to have a lot of anger at the moment. Not just annoyance but full on rage. I don’t even know why or what it’s really about - it’s just flying around with full-force and I feel out of control and just don’t really understand what’s going on.

I can also relate to being able to manage myself better outside of therapy than when I’m in sessions. The complexity and intensity in the moment in therapy just seems to floor me. I’m sorry you ended up quitting and hope that you are doing ok without it.

I think one thing we need to remember is that most people have put in to practice their whole lives a more usual relationship pattern. Here we are, middle age for me, trying to learn what vulnerability and communication looks like.

Yes, this is a really good point.

You already went through the feelings once when the trauma itself happened and you survived that so feeling them again ain't gonna kill you like it didn't kill you before.

Yes...although I froze and dissociated through my traumas too, so I don’t think I ever really consciously felt my feelings around these experiences. Perhaps that is what makes the prospect of it so frightening now - because it feels like it’s the great unknown.

if you change the way you look at the problem surely you can change the way you feel about it.

I understand where you’re coming from with this line of thought. I just get so overwhelmed and flooded in sessions and it happens so quickly that I don’t really know how I’d apply it in the moment.

@Freida I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time. This work can be so brutal at times. Being hit by a freight train is a good analogy. Self-compassion and self-care as you recalibrate from the fall-out.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Perhaps this is where therapy comes into its own whereby you can let the old feelings associated with your trauma out a little bit at a time so they become more manageable. At least this has been my experience. I also found that learning to detach from the old emotions to view them neutrally from a distance kinda like 'grey rock' just observing them pass you by as if they are floating down a river helps me. I learnt this technique through studying Buddhism and meditation. Obviously sometimes the sneaky buggers catch on me unawares but that's where practising mindfulness comes in handy. It's really difficult to master especially when you are tired stressed or physically ill. But practise makes perfect so they say. Give it a whirl you never know you might get some relief from it. I know I did lol. Hope this helps. Oh and please try to be patient with the process. No point trying to run before you can walk eh. These things take time and you have to go easy on yourself. God bless you xx

 

[Deleted member 45251]

Hi there, You don't need a therapist to get you to a safe place, but as a trainee registered clinical hypnotherapist focussed on PTSD who spent two years on the battlefront in Afghanistan (2010 - 2011) I can help. First of all sit down in a quiet place and close your eyes; make yourself as comfortable as you can be; count to four on every breath in and count to eight on every breath out, and as you breathe out say to yourself in your mind "I am deeply relaxed." Keep doing this as you feel all the tension start to subside from your body, as each deep breath in brings healing oxygen into your muscles and tissues. Imagine those breaths purifying those muscles and tissues as you breathe, reenergizing your body, pushing out all the tension. You will actually feel this happening if you imagine it.
After about 20 deep breaths in and out, and after pushing away any thoughts that come into your head, telling yourself to concentrate only on your breathing, start to imagine either a stairway or a beach. You can choose which. If it is a stairway, picture every detail of it - it might be a stairway you know or one you have seen in a movie or just an imagined staircase - and notice there are ten steps down that staircase and you know that when you arrive at the bottom you will be in the place where you feel the most comfortable and the most content in the world. You can be alone or with people. Anything you like. Start walking down those stairs, focussed on everything you can see and feel and hear, imagining/picturing every step, each touch, as you feel your body going deeper and deeper into relaxation - going down, down. You will feel your body getting lighter and lighter as you descend those stairs, slowly, floating almost, taking each step with every deep breath out, feeling your body descend, feeling yourself leave your conscious state behind. And then as you move off the bottom step at the foot of the stairway you will see your safe place, empty and peaceful, or filled with the people who make you most happy or relaxed. Revel in the safe place you have created knowing no harm can come to you here, because this is a safe place of your making and when you are in here you are in a bubble of protection from the outside world. You can even imagine that bubble all around your safe place.
If you don't like the idea of going down stairs for any reason, choose a beach with you lying back on the sand, with the sun on your body, and with each lapping wave in taking you deeper and deeper into a relaxed state.
Once you have become comfortable with your safe place, and "arranged it" just the way you need it you can either bring yourself back to the conscious state by counting to five and opening your eyes, or you can ask your subconscious what is the root of the way you have been feeling and ask it to give you the insight you need to get past it. Let your body talk to you directly. By taking yourself down into physical and mental relaxation you are allowing your conscious mind to oscillate at the same vibration as your subconscious and you can receive all sorts of information in the form of emotions or images or spontaneous thoughts to explain your symptoms. If, at any time, you reflect on things which upset you, or you which you dont want to see, just turn around in your mind and go straight back to your safe place, the place you created where you are happiest and most content, and leave those thoughts behind. Then count to 5 and bring yourself out of hypnosis. The subconscious will continue to work on what you need to understand and the perspectives which will help you, even while you stay in your safe place. The mind truly is an amazing tool. You can record this if you wish and play it to yourself to remind yourself what to do. Relaxation alone is a great healing tool, and what the mind imagines is real for the subconscious. I hope this helps!