How did you manage your feelings when you stopped dissociating?

[barefoot]

Thanks for the recent posts here.

I have taken some here-and-now stuff to my last few therapy sessions, so I’ve ended up having a bit of a break from the deeper work directly related to trauma. They still have not been easy sessions but the feelings have not been so unbearably intense. It has felt much more manageable and I have appreciated the respite!

I have however noticed that I have had a foggy head a bit lately with some current stressful things - not full on dissociating but my head going blank and not being able to think. I guess this is probably a sign that I need to be doing something differently to prevent a potential further slide. Hmm...

@Dissociatorr - I like that idea of somehow putting things away in a box. I think this is something I can probably talk to my T about...how I can “put the stuff away” in between sessions as I go fortnightly, which I’m finding is a long time to hold on to things.

Thank you @Rain I should probably journal more to help me get the feelings out...writing it down would be easier than saying it out loud. Sometimes, I have written things down in therapy - when I haven’t been able to get the words out. I haven’t journaled by myself or written anything down in a session for a long time. Maybe both those things would help. Perhaps writing some things down in therapy - whether I can get the words out of my mouth or not - will feel more...tolerable...and will help me to manage things and not get so dysregulated.
I also get what you say about feeling safe. Current stressful thing feels dangerous - even though, intellectually, I know I will not be unsafe, I can’t seem to talk myself down from feeling very frightened about it. Perhaps that is why I’m getting fuzzy headed at points when I try to engage with the current thing that I’m feeling very anxious about. Perhaps it’s because I don’t feel safe. Even though I know I’m not unsafe. Ugh!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

. Perhaps it’s because I don’t feel safe. Even though I know I’m not unsafe. Ugh!

barefoot, I so understand where you are coming from because I think it is so hard to make a safety plan when triggered and really anxious and stressed out for me anyways.

I was trying to think of an example of how to make yourself safe and blanked out and began to feel anxious so part of it for me is not being able to talk about it to others because then I will feel overexposed and that is definately unsafe for me. I live in the cocoon of the confines of my home most of the time. I am not isolating per say yet I do not have a lot of contact with real people each week so maybe that is why I feel safe most of the time so that you know how it is for me in my life.

I learned that I write far better than I can say the words. I am stunted emotionally I know and it is a stumbling block for me at times too. I think journaling has really helped me to keep in touch with what is going on internally for me most of the time. With close friends I have no problems speaking but having a starting point to say what I am having a hard time doing or saying really helps me so much I have learned so I think by journaling I think you will get in touch better with yourself and I highly recommend it as an exercise in just getting the unsafe feelings out of you and releasing some of the pressure. I hope this helps and makes some sense.

 

[barefoot]

Thank you for sharing @Rain

I used to journal regularly and somehow fell off the wagon, so I would like to get back into the habit again.

When you talk about journaling, do you mean you keep a private journal or are you referring to a trauma diary here? Or both?

I feel safest at home too. I guess that is partly why I am having such a wobble at the moment, because the thing I am currently losing my shit about (technical term!) involves sleeping somewhere else and being observed/monitored and this feels too vulnerable and too dangerous. It feels so frightening even though I know that nothing bad will happen. Anyhow...I have just started another thread about that as I feel like I’m leaking anxiety and I just need to put it somewhere!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@barefoot, I journal here on my diary all of the time now it saves me on paper supplies. It took a long time to do it this way but now I can journal here as I did in a notebook along time ago. I get a lot of support and people keep me where common sense says i need to be. I wish you well with yours. I find it is easier for my words to flow onto the keyboard and besides I can barely read my own handwriting anymore, lol.

 

[barefoot]

@Rain I’ve only ever journaled the old fashioned way, with paper and pen. I find the process of writing by hand helps to slow my brain down a bit (in a good way!)

I can see the benefits of keeping a diary on here - especially the support from others you have received. Not sure I am brave enough to express what I need to express publicly though. Plus, I tend to write and write and write so I don’t imagine anyone would stick with reading it all! Perhaps it will be a useful exercise for me re being concise

 

[Sandstone]

so I don’t imagine anyone would stick with reading it all!

I use that as a tool in my journal here. If I want to record something for myself, but don't want responses, I bury it in a long, wordy entry.

 

[Beans]

Manging my feelings is mostly acceptance (of the feeling and acceptance of myself- no judging.) Then kindness and compassion towards myself as I feel the feeling and work through it. Lots of self soothing thoughts- i'm going to be ok, this feeling is natural, it will pass, etc.)

Once I'm not doing the instinctive trying to push it away dance, then I can just sit with it and feeeeeel it for a bit. I like investigating it, discovering the cause of it (the chain of thoughts and/or events that brought it up,) processing it (especially if it's origin is past trauma or beliefs that no longer serve me) or giving myself a solution if it's an issue that needs a solution or enjoying/milking the feeling if it's pleasant (which i never really enjoyed pleasant feelings either when i was dissociating.)

All this used to take a long time. Many times I was accidentally, due to habit, still pushing feelings away so that took a bit. Or when i finally wasnt pushing it away, not knowing what to do with the feeling. Now i can get through this process in a few mins though it definitely takes longer with the more difficult stuff.

 

[barefoot]

@Beans Thanks for sharing - it is encouraging to see how progress can be made with this.

I think I am still at the instinctive, push it away dance because I don’t know what to do with the feeling.

I realise I am not very good at self-soothing :(

 

[Ferrell]

Everyone wants me let them off the hook for treating me like shit. They think I will stay in that numbed out disassociative pattern they learned to love so they could have fun torturing me without any recompensation on their part.

It's a different me they are now having to meet. They don't know that I don't care if they actually like me or not.

Thank you for sharing @Rain

I used to journal regularly and somehow fell off the...

A professional told me this. "You feel safest at home, because you are safe there. ;) But of course we shouldn't become agoraphobic with the other problems we are facing. They told me to go out for the necessities and that's enough.