How did you tell your therapist about your experiences?

[oakleaves]

I just wondered whether anyone felt able to share how they communicated it, what words they used, how long it took, how your therapist responded etc? How did you feel after that first disclosure? Did anything come up that you didn't expect?

It feels really difficult for me (I have posted about this elsewhere) and I thought reading about others experiences of actually 'telling' might help me to get a sense of how I might go about it. I am worried that telling might break me in some way but I am also increasingly feeling like I desperately need to and I don't know how. It has been nearly fifteen years but I still have never properly told anyone and to be honest I tend to cut off/space out when I try.

 

[Kubash16]

I just wondered whether anyone felt able to share how they communicated it, what words they used, how long it took, how your therapist responded etc? How did you feel after that first disclosure? Did anything come up that you didn't expect?

It feels really difficult for me (I have posted about this elsewhere) and I thought reading about others experiences of actually 'telling' might help me to get a sense of how I might go about it. I am worried that telling might break me in some way but I am also increasingly feeling like I desperately need to and I don't know how. It has been nearly fifteen years but I still have never properly told anyone and to be honest I tend to cut off/space out when I try.

It’s definitely difficult as hell. My first disclosure to my current therapist came tumbling out during like a panic attack moment from something else that had happened earlier in the day. I didn’t give myself time to “expect” what he would say/do. But he was warm and calm and shocked in a way but didn’t act shocked, if that makes sense?

The rest of my disclosures ended up written out and emailed to him. That was terrifying and I wanted to take that email back. But what was done was done. Yesterday was my first session since emailing him everything. I was extremely afraid of facing him. But it was okay. Still warm, still calm, we started going over one of the memories and it was surprisingly easyish to say some of the details because he already knew.

 

[frogthroat]

I was just as straightforward as possible through e-mail first so my therapist could get a feel for what I experienced and also I wanted to make sure she even had experience with people who survived extreme violence.
It wasn't easy at first and she even had me write what happened in a journal and then just give it to her to read the first 4 or 5 sessions. I talked about some stuff and then once she knew what she was dealing with we don't talk about what happened anymore. It's all about what I'm going to do with life now. You don't have to talk about every single detail of everything that happened but if it's bothering you then you have to get it out so you're T knows what's going on.

 

[Friday]

1) The MFT I got during/after my divorce when my life started going sideways got all the broad strokes on Day 1 during intake, completely by accident. An hour appointment turned into a 2 or 3 hour thing, because of it. He worked for an organization which also counsels missionaries and so their intake forms are... extensive. I’ve never seen a more thorough list of traumatic experiences. K&R, famine, genocide, etc. aren’t on standard psych intake forms in this country! Much less the level of detail it broke shit down into. Combat, for example, is rarely even mentioned in this country, aside from “military service”, meanwhile these forms broke combat down into maybe a dozen subtypes. Seriously badass intake. That I’d taken one of my emergency meds right before going in (think Valium) absolutely helped. As did the fact that he was reading down a list that I essentially just had to say yes/no to, with no level of detail provided by me. <<< This was during the time that I was absolutely convinced that I had “had” a perky little case of PTSD once upon a time, no longer did, and that past trauma had absolutely nothing to do with my life being f*cked up, now. It took him a solid year to convince me otherwise, and that I really needed to be seeing a trauma therapist rather than an MFT. I can still remember his face when he asked me about what treatment & care I’d received after all of this and I just went... ummm...none? Cartoon goggly face, I shit you not. I’ll never forget it. Cracked me up. :hilarious: (Dude. I’m FINE. I’m not here for ancient history. I’m just here about my divorce.)

2) The first trauma therapist I had (after the above) never got more than a very brief window, although we attempted to do a timeline, it took me about 2 years to linear that shit out, and I only worked with him for several months. I was seeing him to be able to talk about a very specific and very short period of my life I had to go testify about. (Just bad timing / when it rains it pours... I was already symptomatic from other stressors in my life... this one drop kicked me over the ledge). He actually didn’t want to do that much -until I’d stabilized- but the clock on it wasn’t mine/ours, and the consequences of not testifying were pretty severe (prison). So we worked through it, regardless of the consequences it had on me & my life. He really wasn’t happy about it. I can work through the rest of it with him after I’ve stabilized. That was, oh, 4 years ago now? I became a member here at roughly the same time. Still not stable enough for trauma therapy. :wtf:

3) The 2nd trauma therapist I started to see (pro bono, once a month or so) whilst my life stabilizes (snort, that sounds like it happens on its own :rolleyes: ) whilst I work on stabilizing myself/ my life... hasn’t touched anything with a 10’ pole. There may have been a few pieces here and there that have leaked out, but it hasn’t been anything direct and specific, much less a timeline, or overview. I’ve considered bringing in the timeline I put together maybe a bazillion times, but I haven’t done so.

 

[Missycat]

I struggle to say the words so i emailed my t the first time and we then spoke about it in session. This has become common practice and t knows how to ask the right questions to help me get the words out.
I have got better at being able to share some things / info but i cant look at her when i do due to shame and guilt regardless of how much she tells me i dont need to feel shameful or embarrassed or guilty ! When i do feel i want to share something i just blurt it out and then almost have to repeat cos it didnt make sense !?

 

[somerandomguy]

I've had multiple, multiple therapists over the years, and over time I got really good at telling them my story - up to a point, because there were certain words I didn't use (like "abuse") because I didn't believe they applied to me.

So telling my current therapist, if not exactly a breeze, was helped by simple repetition. It was more like a story that I would tell about someone else, to be honest, without much feeling to it. (The feeling came much, much later, and I'm still dealing with that.)

I'll be switching therapists in the next few months, and this time I'm honestly dreading telling my story. I don't think I can tell it without feeling it this time. And that is going to be really difficult for me.

 

[oakleaves]

I struggle to say the words so i emailed my t the first time and we then spoke about it in session. This has become common practice and t knows how to ask the right questions to help me get the words out.
I have got better at being able to share some things / info but i cant look at her when i do due to shame and guilt regardless of how much she tells me i dont need to feel shameful or embarrassed or guilty ! When i do feel i want to share something i just blurt it out and then almost have to repeat cos it didnt make sense !?

Sorry to be blunt but do you say the actual words of what happened. Like name it as what it was or describe behaviours/experiences? I don't want you to say that here (obviously) but I just wanted to ask. I just don't know how to actually say the words or what to say if that makes sense.

 

[NightSky]

Saying the words for me only happens in writing. Usually via email. I talk around them in session. Since there are about three main flashes I deal with a lot, I tend to have one word descriptors for them, and use them in session to refer to which intrusive memory I’m dealing with, because she has the extended info already. So if I say I have jaw pain this week and the visuals to go with it, she knows what I’m talking about. I revealed those things over a period of about a year in emails when they would arise. The intake form is the reason I even said anything, and was able to give a yes to whether or not there was csa. And she stopped me there and said we would talk in time about it if I needed to.
She has always been incredibly warm and empathetic and supportive. I have never regretted telling her the details because I needed someone to know. I encourage you to do it however it feels comfortable. You deserve to not carry it alone.

 

[Freida]

took me a year and then it came out one sentence at a time. yep - used words, but couldn't do more than a minute or so of talking about it. And yep - it sucked. It didn't get easier - but I got better at understanding why it was so hard and what it meant to actually say those things.

 

[zombycat]

I can be pretty dissociated from my emotions, so I don't know how helpful my experiences will be for you, but when talking about the things that happened to me, I just flat out say them like I'm talking about what I ate for lunch. Sometimes what I say can be pretty graphic, and other times I gloss over and just give the big picture. If I'm in my emotions at the time, I'll often blush or cry or stumble over any kind of graphic detail. Even though disclosure is relatively 'easy' for me (by which I mean no, it's really not, but I recognize that I am able to say things that others struggle to), I've come to learn a few things about the process, though.

• Graphic or not, all the details up front or none, Ts are trained to handle whatever you throw at them. A good therapist can learn almost as much from what you don't or can't say as what you do.
• As much as I wish it were otherwise, even when I can just straight up lay my trauma out like a psychoanalyst's smorgasbord, it doesn't really solve anything. It helps to say it, to get it all out there, and it's definitely a start, but there are things that I go over and over and over in sessions. I see progress with them, but I know I still have a ways to go.
• What I just said sounds depressing, but in a way it takes a lot of the pressure off. I know that even if I tell my whole story, I still have many facets of how that story affected me to work through. So I don't have to get it all out right mutha-effin-now. Sometimes telling one thing, can make saying the next thing easier and then the next and the next. A lot of times I look at my mental trauma as a big tangled up ball of yarn. I pick a spot and just start worrying the knots loose. Hopefully someday I'll be able to knit a sweater. Note to self: learn to knit.
• That brings me back to the 'therapists are trained to handle whatever we throw at them' point. Give them what you can, when you can, how you can. A good one can help you work through the bits you're able to show until you're ready to put it all out there.

Hope this helps.

 

[Sideways]

I’ve had to recount my ‘story’ (“why are you here!?”) to multiple therapists over the years.

Some wanted to talk in detail. So we did. Very slowly. Absolutely only because talking through the detail was part of their specific treatment approach.

Some, like my current T, aren’t fussed about the detail. I sent her a copy of my police statement about 2 years in outlining what I still hadn’t told her. And we haven’t gone over it together - no need.

Some, we’d get about 6 months in and I’d send them an email, like: “It would probably help our therapy if you knew...”. One time I wrote it down, handed it over, then went and sat out in the waiting room doing deep breathing because I didn’t want to even be in the room when the T ‘found out’.

Never once had outright shock in response. Had one T tell me it wouldn’t have happened (he didn’t last). But I’ve had a lot of long, silent pauses. One T cried - that was weird, she was new. I get the strong impression from T’s that it’s important to them to subdue their reaction: partly because you need to be able to tell them more, and worse, if that’s where your story goes, partly because it’s actually how we feel about it, not them, that the therapy should focus on. Lot of people go away from those types of sessions not realising the extent of professional de-briefing that goes on behind the scenes after confronting disclosure which, during the appointment, the T may have stayed pretty poker-faced through.

There is absolutely particular words I don’t use. There’s some that I’m prepared to write down. But there’s a whole stack that I simply will not say out loud. Even getting probed by the police, I still defiantly refused to use particular words, and the cop pushed me reeeeally hard on a few of them. Ultimately if they need specifics, they can say the word and I can just nod.

Saying particular words out loud? Isn’t usually absolutely necessary. And I remain skeptical that pushing myself to say particular words is going to have any therapeutic value for me that would be worth it.

Just as a heads up: The hardest part for me? Absolutely the appointment after. Getting back in that chair, knowing they know. It’s when you get through that appointment that you know that you got through it, finally, and they’re still on your team.

You only need to do it the once with this T. You don’t need to do it all at once. You don’t need to use specific words. You can write it down if that’s easier. And your T will put you back together again by the end of the appointment. That’s what they do.

 

[oakleaves]

I just wanted to come back to this to say thank you for all the responses and to say that I took all this on board and when I saw her this week I told her that I needed to tell her something specific and that I needed to tell her because she is being kind and I need to know whether she would still be kind if she knew. She helped me a bit, asked me a question in the end, and I STILL couldn't say yes it was that but I know she knew and I was able to confirm it by saying something else. I feel like the words themselves are dangerous or something. I feel really fragmented now as though I am not able to hold myself together or make sense of anything and it is horrible. But I also feel relieved. Like a really strange mix of terror (and I am terrified) but also a really odd relief. I am going to try to write some things down for next time. She was so nice and now I am terrified that she isn't genuine and I have trusted this person with this SHIT and now what. Anyway thank you for the responses and the advice. Thank you.