How Did Yours Manifest?

[PTSDfree]

My mom had borderline personality disorder (probably as a result of being raised by my narc grandma) and was physically and emotionally abusive. Sometimes she was sexually inappropriate, but not in the typical kinda way.

She was also an alcoholic and even stole my money for booze and stuff like that.

I begged the people at my school, my narc grandma, and cops for help and they did nothing. I was only seven and really desperate. After that, she pulled me out of school and decided to "homeschool" me. (I'm still homeschooled, but what she was doing was far from any sort of schooling at all. She would yell at me getting 98% on a quiz or not being able to whip up a perfect seven page essay within one day. It really messed me up and made me super anxious about taking tests.)

My mom and dad never got along too well either and my dad decided to get a divorce and move out when I was twelve because he just couldn't handle it anymore. He didn't announce it to me until I was thirteen, but I snooped on his computer and that's how I found out.

My mom was getting worse and I was afraid to live with her anymore. I knew that from reading his notes that was planning on leaving me with her because he thought that a mom was all that a child needed. I think he kinda knew what was going on, but he didn't really come to terms with it until he saw it for himself.

I was felt abandoned and so scared and I knew that my mom was going to kill me if I didn't get out of there.

When I was thirteen, he and my mom were on the phone one day and she left the phone on by accident and started screaming at me and calling me all sorts of nasty names and threatening to kill me. It wasn't even that bad in comparison to her usual behavior. My dad picked me and my stuff up later that day so that I could go live on his couch. He made an appointment with his divorce lawyer later that week so that I could tell her about all the stuff that my mom did to me. She was really disgusted by it and ended up crying. She knew my mom's divorce lawyer and the judge too, so my dad was pretty much guaranteed to get full custody of me at that point. My mom wasn't capable of even paying her divorce lawyer anyway, so it's not like he would've ended up representing her.

My general practitioner was one of the few people that caught onto my mom's bullshit and was willing to back us up if that didn't work either. I had a mild case of rickets as a kid and an allergic reaction to blue food coloring that my mom somehow blamed on her. In fact, she even made an appointment with him to talk about how she thought I would be better off living with him, and that was prior to me even telling him about all of the stuff that my mom did to me. They didn't get along well at all.

My dad got really busy with working and legal stuff, so I lived with my grandma (his mom, not my mean narcissist grandma) and step grandpa for about three months up until my mom finally killed herself on New Years' of 2014.

My GP called my dad up the day after my mom died and told us that we were better off without her. I went back to living on my dad's couch again and moved to a two bedroom apartment across the street about two weeks later. I made a giant post about her abuse on all of my social media sites and posted a video making fun of her with Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead playing in the background (we're originally from Kansas) only two days later.

My weird uncle spammed the crap out of the comments on it and told me I needed help (should've said that to your sister, dumbass!), but hey, that's just my uncle being who he is. He doesn't really look like my grandpa and I think he was a cuck baby. I can understand why he'd feel so angry all the time.

I saw my mean narcissist grandma just one more time after my mom died. She told me I was a piece of shit, that I never should've said that stuff about her abuse, that I made up all of that shit, and that I murdered my mom. Uhhh, what kind of thirteen year old pulls off murdering their own mom and masking it as a suicide? NONE. Didn't see her after that.

My mom's funeral was held two weeks later and my cousin sent me a selfie of my grandma SMILING at my mom's funeral.

Oh, this wasn't just the first child that my asshole narcissist grandma lost either. She lost two back in the 1960s and adopted my mom and my aunt to basically replace them. And she had the nerve to smile at her daughter's funeral. The. Third. Freaking. One. And she disowned my adopted aunt. Geez.

Three days after that, I got a letter from my narcissist asshole grandma's Stephen Ministry team advising that I should attended their idea of therapy. No thanks. I know for a fact that they'd just tell my asshole narcissist grandma and cuck grandpa about everything.

I was so pissed about it that I ended up sending a letter about her and how she encouraged my mom's abuse to her entire stephen minister team explaining that they didn't help my mom while she was suicidal (she had three suicide attempts and they didn't give a crap), her stupid selfie at my mom's funeral, and how they encouraged her abuse and all that stuff. Never got a response about it, but I'm sure they think differently about them now.
Their church has a serious gossipy culture going on there. Besides, what's worse for a narcissist than people knowing how they really are? Not much.

They eventually called CPS on my dad and claimed that he was sexually abusing me. They really wanted custody of me, and there was no chance of that happening. Besides, he's never done anything like that.

Funny how nobody gave a shit when I was begging them for help in second grade, but when a man is merely accused of child abuse by his asshole in-laws, then CPS gets instantly involved.

We talked to the social worker and she was a stupid smug asshole bitch. I think she knew that my dad was innocent, but she really liked that feeling of control that she had over other people's lives. I got really angry and slapped her. I think the pdoc that I was seeing at the time might've played a role in the whole CPS ordeal. I think she projected her own story of CSA onto other people and she just couldn't imagine something like what I've been through.

Fortunately, nothing came out of the CPS thing except for going to that stupid appointment. After my dad sold my mom's house, we moved a couple hundred miles away and never went back.

Here's some stuff that my mom did:

• Put a gun next to my head as a four year old and taught me how to shoot myself properly if I commit suicide with her so we could meet our dead cat
• Tried to convince me to buy weed for her with my bitcoin (I did not allow her to)
• Stole my money and spent it on vodka (she also spent it on a pair of fur gloves once which really pissed me off because I'm super anti fur)
• Drove drunk and got in a car accident when I was about four
• Drove drunk and got in a car accident on my eighth birthday again plus screamed at the woman and cop that she was in the car accident with
• Drove drunk and nearly hit an old lady crossing the street when I was five or six (the cops never thought of pulling a sobriety test on her)
• Drove drunk and got in a fender bender
• Drove drunk and threatened to kill a group of middle school boys that threw a rock at her car for doing it
• Accused me of stealing her vodka
• Told I was a rape baby when I was nine or ten (not true)
• Forced me to take laxatives after holidays or eating at fast food restaurants with friends (even if I ate a normal amount)
• Beat and yelled at me for eating scrambled eggs at a friend's house (she thought the cholesterol was very very bad and that was the only time that I ate an egg up until last December because I was really scared of them after that)
• Threatened to beat and/or kill me on a regular basis
• Quit buying groceries and clothes for me when I was five or six. I started grocery shopping for myself around the same time with her credit card (that I stole) and my red wagon. We had a grocery store about two miles up the street that I would walk to by myself. I would steal stuff too, but I don't do that anymore. It was little things like cat food and snacks that I would slip under my coat. I think the people at the grocery store knew and felt bad for me, so they would just pretend to ignore it. I was only a little kid.
• Tried to teach me how to drive and back out of our driveway when I was six and ended up screaming at me. I think she was drunk because she never did it again.
• Had a weird obsession with Columbine and Nancy Grace
• Threatened to put my cats down and replace them with a puppy. They were under so much stress while she was around that the larger one had regular bouts of cystitis and the other pooped in the tub. Both of them had gingivitis too. All of those issues went away after they started living with my dad and I.
• Was super anti-vax and used fake papers at my preschool until I actually got vaccinated (there was a whooping cough outbreak and my dad didn't want me to get it)
• Didn't do anything except for putting a blanket over me when I was four years old and convulsing and hallucinating from a high fever
• Sold my Sega Genesis system and DS games for even more vodka
• Would randomly throw out or my clothes and possesions (including fairly expensive ones) and then ask me why I had such little stuff
• Hoarded trash (some of which was over twenty years old)
• Switched the locks on her closet and my room so she could lock me in it and I'd have to pee/poop all over myself because I didn't access to a bathroom
• Joke around about her abuse and would accuse me of starting it and trying to hurt her
• Would sit and watch me sleep with her gun in hand. She would often talk about watching me sleep and it made me really nervous, so I pretended that I was asleep once and that's how I found out.
• Hid and stole my thyroid medication
• Screamed at me for inviting both of my friends over (they're twin sisters) when I was seven and told me I had to make up my mind and decide which one I wanted to be friends with or else she would kill me. They were terrified of her after that and never saw me again.

Aaaaaaand that's why I've been fired by multiple therapists and pdocs. :p

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Delving too deep with a psychologist, awareness of my main abuser about to turn 50, and get married. Reliving one trauma where I could have died when I was eight, brought back another trauma experienced at the same age. Fear brought up the memories of how terrified I felt at other times. The stress of uni also tipped me over too.

 

[VikVikViktorious]

My mom had borderline personality disorder (probably as a result of being raised by my narc g...

So sorry to hear about what you went through. For what it's worth, it took me away from my pain for a brief moment, so thank you for that.
You do sound like a smart, tough young gal that can get through whatever else life has in store for you.

Ps I went to a little university in Ottawa KS. Walmart was the local attraction on Friday nights- lol

 

[PTSDfree]

So sorry to hear about what you went through. For what it's worth, it took me away from my pain f...

Thanks!

My grandma on my dad's side and step grandpa grew up in Ottawa. I lived in Emporia while I was with my grandma. We would go out to the capitol, Westboro Baptist Church, or go see ESU's womens' basketball team as a field trip. :hilarious:

 

[LanaD]

I was sexually assaulted a couple of times (and often criticized by my abuser). My therapist couldn't see me for a couple of months (bloody insurance) so I started drinking. I kept telling myself things were pretty much under control until one day I was nearly drunk in the afternoon. I hadn't quite noticed I'd been drinking at lunch time, afternoon, evening, into the night - almost every day. It was maybe 6 weeks after the initial assault that I noticed all the bottles, it was like I couldn't see them before. I'd also been having an extra hard time getting out of bed every morning/afternoon.

I normally have a beer or two over the weekend, and not even every weekend and half the time I drink alcohol-free beer!

 

[EveHarrington]

Oh god------I really need to work on my paranoia! This post freaked me out the first time I read it------ I thought "who wants to know? And why?!?!" Then again, there was that sex perv who was here a few months ago and asking invasive questions. Glad to know you're a legit PTSD survivor who's just curious. :)

 

[LanaD]

"there was that sex perv who was here a few months ago"

That sounds horrible :/ It always shocks me to learn how awful people can be.

 

[VikVikViktorious]

Oh god------I really need to work on my paranoia! This post freaked me out the first time I read...

Whoaaa. Yeah. I'm just trying to make sense of all this. Apologies if it was an intrusive question to some- but it did seem to be an avenue for others to vent, and did help me understand what's going on with me a bit more.

 

[peacelovemusic]

Mine has been a lifetime of trauma. It started in childhood with emotional and verbal abuse that was ongoing and constant. I started having symptoms during this time, if that is possible, and they were fullblown when I was in my early 20s.
Then I lost a child to stillbirth, suffered multiple miscarriages, my husband had an affair and became unbelievably emotionally abusive (prior to that, he was still a shitty husband, saying terrible things behind my back and turning my friends and family against me) - and then it culminated in my brother being killed in a motorcycle accident in 2012.

My diagnosis came in 2011 after years of seeking treatment for little pieces of PTSD. Depression, anxiety, migraine, vertigo, fainting, brief dissociative episodes. I made some progress and when my brother was killed suffered a huge setback. I have been okay since 2015 but recently had another major setback and I don't know what precipitated that.

 

[Gamera3000]

I found this thread very helpful.

I also don't have a single event and can't trace it back. My mom was been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (I assume bipolar 1) and has never taken medication for it, but she has had shock treatment.

Some of my first memories were of her telling me and my (now late) brother when we were toddlers not to tell anyone that she was smoking weed. Around the same age I remember telling her that she was pretty and to please stop crying. I didn't actually think she was pretty but I hoped it would make her stop making that awful noise and get up from bed. When I was four or five and my brother was five or six she let us watch a pornographic movie while she and her boyfriend drank and smoke weed, watched it with us. I remember that was the first time I wondered if something was seriously wrong with her. She also let us watch Halloween when I was four and she was high. When I was five she and her boyfriend didn't look after us all that well and in the space of a few months I first fell off the handlebars of a bike and skinned the entire side of my face, then broke my right arm falling off a toy horse. On the way to the hospital for the broken arm, her boyfriend told me to stop crying or he'd give me something to cry about. So I did. Everyone at the hospital remarked about how good I was not to cry. My mom's boyfriend had friends who loved me and wanted me to sit on their laps all the time, but my mom said I wasn't allowed to do that. I didn't realize why until years later. I don't know why they were still friends with those guys. My mom, her boyfriend-then-husband and their trash friends all completely ignored my brother because he was 1) a boy and 2) fat. I had to watch him get treated badly while I was favored. He was my only friend. That was the worst of it. Seeing him be mistreated. And those were the golden years.

After that it was animal abuse, hoarding trash, starving, my mom being sexual in front of us, telling us no one loved or even liked us but her. My little brother came along and the stepdad left. My little brother was autistic, with limited verbal ability. He started hitting me and the animals and I was not allowed to stop him. I'm fairly sure my little brother has no memory of that but it happened for years. He even killed some smaller animals by throwing them across the room. My mom was an idiot to not explain things to him properly, to not give him rules, and to give him small pets in the first place.

My older brother and I left when we got old enough. My little brother is still there. My mom married again when I was a teenager and that dude took care of my brother, loved him like his own. But then my mom spent the night in my little brother's room a couple times and my stepdad left. He said he was calling child protective services on her because my brother was 17 then, but I don't know if he followed through. My second step dad has since died. My older brother killed himself 14 years ago. I have been unable to rescue my little brother, who is now nearly 30, despite many attempts. He can speak now and is there by choice. I have no idea what she's been doing to him and beat myself up about it regularly. I am a neurodiversity researcher and could easily help him but he does not want my help. I don't think he can admit how terribly he has been used by my mom.

 

[loner mcdonald]

do not let the deceiver win. loner

 

[katz]

I'm fascinated by our brain- and how it can suppress intense emotional pain until something trigg...

As I have grown up thru the years, I have grown a whole new respect for "our brains" and what we are capable of. I started remembering back in my 20's. (All my "demons" are from my childhood.) When I accused one of my demons, everyone in the family erupted at me and H**l broke loose. When this happened, I "managed" to forget all--and I mean all -- of what had happened to me. It was over 10 years later that I began to remember again. Unfortunetly, all the memories stayed this time.

But, what I have learned, is that I can only remember what I can handle. When I pushed for more, it put me in the hospital. So, I tend to move at a much slower pace now.

I sincerely believe that our minds protect us and they know what we are able to handle.