Undiagnosed How Do I Ask For Help When Everyone Looks To Me For Strength?

[The Albatross]

it's not to make good on any obligation.

A bit curious as to that myself actually. I find the opposite, I think. (but am open to what you may be thinking?)

 

[Taven Carlsen]

Ok let me rephrase: I like to help out; and also I am "less able," but looking after the needs of others makes that less noticable.

But when lost_in_tx feels OBLIGATED/like she HAS to, that's the problem. That's not realistic. That feeling is the problem - not the action.

 

[Skye2Earth]

I was married for 18yrs and in various stretches of time if I didn't do whatever he thought he needed to feel loved then those that I loved were not safe because he would get too "stressed"- so my pets were beaten, shot, killed. I have now been divorced for 10yrs and he committed suicide 7yrs ago ... so the physical threat is gone. I have done good in my job but we all work from home now and my family is really the only personal contact I have. And now I have realized I am scared to death to see old friends again or make new ones. I have created a bubble that I am scared to death to leave. Many of the people in my bubble depend on me for strength, encouragement and advice and I don't want to shake their confidence by showing that I can't overcome this .... I am pretty sure they don't even realize how badly I am affected by all this.

I experienced similar trauma via an "ex-boyfriend" who killed one of my cats and put others into a humane society ("kill" shelter) as a way of teaching me a lesson when I went to interview for work in another state. I wasn't abandoning him; I simply wanted to support myself independently as I'd done prior to meeting him for at least twenty year. He left me homeless, traumatized, grief-stricken. I have no family and was in no financial position to go after this "ex", who was very wealthy and very well protected. I don't know if this guy would ever commit suicide..he always behaved as if he was superior to everyone else. Because I haven't got any family with whom I can communicate, I've had to look out into the world and think of other humans as "my family." I've made a few good friends. And I've misjudged people, too.

It has taken years to exorcise the trauma imposed on me by that "ex".. and I experienced tremendous trauma and pain for years. I'd had issues with agoraphobia decades ago, that was mitigated with anti-anxiety medication in conjunction with cognitive-behavioral therapy and Ericksonian Hypnosis. This agoraphobia returned after the cruelty this "ex" inflicted. I became very afraid, found people I thought cared about me very cold. I got a motel room for a month and was afraid to go out. I sat crying in that room and deciding there was no reason for me to go on, feeling so much pain. I reached out to a friend via email who convinced me that my presence in this world served a purpose. And even if I couldn't see that purpose then, it would become apparent to me in the future. And he was right.

To be the strength for others, you need to understand that you are a strong person and learn to appreciate yourself for this. To be the person others come to for advice means you give good advice. I've been terrific at giving wonderful advice to people while my own world is falling apart around me. You are putting yourself under a lot of stress, expecting never to appear to have any weaknesses. You are taking the weight of the "bubble world" on your shoulders. IMO, it's important people learn to make their own decisions and learn to depend upon themselves for strength.

What I would do is to find something you enjoy doing, even if it's getting out of the house once in awhile to play Bingo or take a camera outdoors and photograph what you find beautiful or interesting. I used to go out alone and walk along the beach and collect pretty stones and pack out trash left by inconsiderate people. I'd end up hiking three to five miles and typically return with a pack of pretty rocks that weighed 20 - 30 pounds on my back! This helped me to acclimate to being out alone and I got in wonderful condition pretty quickly! And I saved sea creatures from hooks and fishing line left on the beaches and broke apart those nasty plastic 6-pack holders that are so notoriously harmful. I also volunteered a couple of days each week to help at a thrift store where the proceeds benefited a local Humane Society Shelter and fed the Jetty Cats who were abandoned along the beach, who had shelter in a little village of cat condos built by a woman and her late husband. Doing these things helped me to cope with the cruelty of what happened to my cats, because I blamed myself for trusting a man who was so brutal with me to look after my pets in my absence. It feels good to help others and it is therapeutic, but you seem to know it's time to venture outside of the bubble and spend some time being yourself in the world. The confidence your family feels in you is not the same as the confidence you really feel within yourself.

 

[Aqib]

Gah, this one is going to be hard since no matter what I say it will be hypocritical. I'm the one everyone in my life goes to for help. It's okay with my friends, but ever since I was a boy my mother also eased her burdens on me. I don't mind that, and I've never objected to that. I've become emotionally independent, and I don't like to "ventilate" or confide in people other than my therapist.

But I'm wrong, I'm an idiot, a fool. We are social animals and realistically, maybe only .0001% of the human population can truly get by on his or her own without any serious mental breakdown. Listen darling, you need to air your concerns with your friends. If they are your friends, you must like them and they must like you in turn. If they go to you for help, it means they trust you and it means they value you. You need to be a little assertive with your own needs because otherwise everyone might thing you're perfectly okay.

It doesn't mean you're weak. I see your concerned about your friends' losing faith in you. Well, let's look at it mathematically then. Right now as it is, if you're hurt and caught up in your own problems, you probably won't be able to address the needs of your friends and family to the best of your ability, right? The sooner you can get better, the sooner you can go back to being a great friend and human being.

As Hemingway says, we are all bitched from the start. Everyone has their problems, everyone has to deal with their problems. Not alone. And it's your turn. You need to tell yourself that it's your turn.