General How Do I Break The News To My Mom About Repressed Sexual Abuse?

[Chelsie S]

So about a month ago I discovered a repressed memory that we assume is linked to sexual abuse from a family friend. I spent the last month super distressed about it, but have been using EMDR to help reduce that stress. The awesome thing is that today I actually feel little to no distress about it which is super awesome! I elected not to get more details about the event, but rather stick with what I do know: which is one image, the emotional side and the name of the supposed perpetrator.

Anyways, this is to say that I'm basically okay with where I am in my progress but I wanted advice on something. I want to talk to my mom about it because there's a part of me that just feels like she knows SOMETHING. This feeling is kind of a weird combination of: the memory was super young, so there's no way, if it's in fact true, that I didn't mention something to her as a child; and that my mom has a tendency to keep things secret from us in order to protect us from things she thinks we're not capable of handling (case in point: she hid her cancer diagnosis until she was well into remission and she didn't tell my sister she had a twin that died in the womb).

But here's the thing: my mom is the kind of person who will react in one or both of the following ways... She will either get super emotional and freak out and possibly have her own mental breakdown, or she will personally kill the person who did it. I want to be honest with her about this, because I feel like she is the last peice to the puzzle, but I'm just not sure how to even start that conversation.

It's not exactly an "over dinner" kind of chat, but I also don't do well in serious situations. They make me super uncomfortable, and if my mom were to cry over this I'd probably reduce down into a puddle of anxiety because I just don't know how to handle people who are upset.

So my question is, after this long, unnecessary rant and back story is, how do you even begin to start this conversation with someone - especially a person who may harbor a ton of guilt she didn't do something more, and possibly have a breakdown of her own.

 

[shimmerz]

I would probe at first. I wouldn't tell her anything. Ask questions..... but in a general kind of way.

Other than that I would maybe tell her that you had been having nightmares about being assaulted when you were a child and did she have any recollection of you having nightmares when you were little (state age if you know it).

Idk, I just suggest to get her warmed up to it before throwing it all at her. You may come up with some information that is helpful if she doesn't actually know that you already know about the issue.

Does she know you are seeing a counselor? Does she know you have PTSD/anxiety related stuff?

 

[Chelsie S]

I would probe at first. I wouldn't tell her anything. Ask questions..... but in a general kind of wa...

She knows I'm seeing a therapist, but she doesn't know exactly why. I struggle with a lot of general anxiety and emetophobia (the fear of throwing up), and she knows about that but from the moment this repressed memory started coming up I've not really mentioned it to anyone other than my husband - and of course my therapist.

When I first started going through it I asked her stuff like, "Are you hiding anything from me? Did something happen to me as a child that I don't know about?" She said no, but honestly I wasn't expecting her to just be like, "Oh, you know what, actually you were sexually abused as a kid - surprise!" I've been asking her information about the person I thought it was, but she doesn't seem to be giving anything up or really catching on. There's always the chance she truly doesn't know anything - but something just makes me feel like she does.

We live across the country from each other, and she's coming up in a week and a half to visit. Half of me doesn't want to bring it up, but honestly we may only see each other once or twice a year, and this isn't exactly something I want to break over the phone. I don't exactly feel like anytime is a good time, but I feel like she needs to know at least what I know. Or maybe not... I just don't know lol

 

[ISupportHer]

My 2 cents. Tread carefully. Not saying don't do it but, as you probably already know, the reaction will probably not be what you think will happen. Not saying worse. Not saying better. Just that it may be hard for you. There are lots of posts about what people say, although well meaning, that can feel hurtful to someone with PTSD. Like "get over it" Things like that. I wish you peace and that it goes well for YOU.

ISH