How Do I Learn To Want To Live?

[AngelKeeperJ]

I think my dad is so depressed that he wants to die, and so do I. It's almost unbearable to know someone that I love feels like I do. It's going to be a long slow death for my mother, who has dementia, but has never 'been there' for my dad, or anyone else. How do pray for him to live long, if what he has to live with is her.

I'll put on my brave face, got a doc appt for him, and a 'wake' this afternoon for a very dear friend. I'm jealous. I wish I could take her place. I know that is selfish, and my depression talking. And my son is on the verge of his happiness. I have to keep it together for him.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hard to say, AK, except that I 'get' it.
(((((AK)))))

I think some of it is because of the present and the future (because there is no way out, or it seems it will not change, because it 'hasn't' for years or one can't alter it).

I guess one can only hope we do not know the future, but idk, -wish I had an answer for you. :(
I think a lack of a fear of death contributes, too- (other) people have that natural fear (supposedly).

I imagine too, that Christmas times brings up 'negatives' or "losses/ 'awareness-es' " more acutely.

 

[intothelight]

(((Angel)))

Sometimes it is just a matter of holding on until the feelings pass. Do what you need to take care of yourself.

 

[Srain]

(((((((((Angel)))))))))))

It's a very rough time for you right now, losing someone dear to you and trying to give a loved one a reason to hold on while you are in depths of sorrow and grief. The stress is spilling over and the best thing you can do is to know that, understand, and as Deb said, hold on. It will pass over. Until then, do any and all the things that you know that make you feel comfortable, that make your Dad comfortable. A favorite meal, a funny or "feel good" movie. Music you both like, take a drive, a walk, scented candles. Cry if you feel like crying but hold on until it passes.

What I know is that you cannot make someone not want to die but can get them interested in living.

Take gentle care of yourself, Angel.
Peace,
Rain

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes sometimes it just is moments of feeling comfortable in our own skin or at peace.
(((((Angel))))), (((Rain, Deb all)))

 

[Hashi]

I relate to a lot of what you've written. I've found it really hard to see the depression of a close relative, who also has a draining partner. I find it difficult for his sake, but also for me, to see myself mirrored like that.

I also know the jealousy of someone else dying and thinking how lucky she was, with everything over.

In answer to your title question, my first goal is just to learn how not to want to die. For that reason I've started doing Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, which was developed for people with Borderline Personality Disorder but is now beginning to be used in different situations as well, including with survivors of trauma. So far I've been working through a skills workbook on my own (the four skills include emotion regulation and distress tolerance). It's helping. Do you think some kind of directed therapy like that could help you?

 

[Queen Boudica]

I'm so sorry you are in this situation (((((AngelKeeprJ))))). Having a parent with dementia is a hard one. Do you have professional support outside of the family to look after your mother? Are there any day care places so perhaps you and your father could spend the day away and do something that you enjoy together other than focusing on your mother?

It is good you have your son, who is happy. Spending time with him or chatting on the phone or emailing and getting away from the constant day to day handling of a sick parent is some light. That is your future, your happy son. That is your legacy.

Your father would want that. It is natural he is depressed and he needs profesional help to deal with that. It is also natural that you will get depressed too, but, you have each other to pull out of that depression, with the aid of some professional help. You have each other, three generations, helping each other through bad times to happier times.

 

[maddog]

Hugest, most heartfelt hugs Angel. The isolated lonely distress of fighting so hard to be strong for others when you yourself are struggling so badly, is a double, a triple, torment.

Feeling a little lost for words, but just know that as lonely as it feels, you are not in this alone, and the grief for both life and death will pass, as feelings somehow always do.

Maddog

 

[Helliepig]

There is something deathly about watching the desperate sadness in someone you love, and the decay in another. My mum had alzheimers, and my dad looked after her long after someone should be expected to. The whole thing was agonising for us all.

I also understand the feelings of not wanting to live. I think they are an expression of fear and grief and overwhelm... and often feelings carried over, certainly for me anyway, of a time as a child where that seemed the only way.

All I can suggest is you let yourself feel these feelings, however frightening, as fully as you can. That very act starts to allow your brain to process and move forward. It is that half place of feeling the feelings but trying to run ahead of them that leaves you stuck and depressed.. the shadow of them haunts you and the weight of them pulls you down.

I know what it is like to be where you are. I wish you all the courage and strength that you need to move forward and deal with what is in front of you.

 

[a3a2]

Hugs to you, AngelKeeperJ. I too, am at a loss for words, but am praying for your strength. Please take time for yourself, and remind your dad to do the same. You cannot help someone else if you do not first take care of yourself.

 

[Lionheart]

Have hope in spite of it all.....it's what I did... *(not before I was out of choices mind you, but I did it). lol

Seriously though, I had to give myself blind faith and hope to get through the worst times....in the end, it was a simple refusal to give up, rather than any virtue on my part).

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Yes, I agree (((Lionheart))). Refusing to give up has saved me more than once!