How do I start living in reality?

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hi forum dwellers,

It's been a while. I seem to post every five years now
Diagnosed about twenty years ago but now mostly healed. No flashbacks, much less panic, more embodied.

A while ago I found out I also have traits of autism (I'm high functioning, and am pretty good at hiding it).
There seems to be a single, enormous, seemingly insurmountable barrier left.

Some ten tears ago I discussed with my therapist that I don't live in reality. My main source of intimacy with 'humans' comes from me engaging 'things' as if they were human (when I was a kid, it was stuffed animals). As an adult I transitioned to talking to photographs. These have kept me sort of 'safe' from having to deal with toxicity in life, but now it's keeping me from even wanting to face 'reality'. I am not in therapy anymore, though my therapist at the time didn't think it was a big deal (I think it is).

I'm very good at living in my own world. To be honest I think this isn't only trauma related, I feel like it's connected with autism.
It's not the exact same as dissociation, but I am just super good at throwing up barriers between my internal/imagined world and the outside world, to the point where I don't even realize the outside world exists.

Now you might think it should be easy to get out of that, but it is not. This imaginary world has been my practice for over 35 years now and I do not know how to deal with the 'world'.
Hence the question in the title.

Upside Down Eagle

 

[Teamwork]

My daughter has autism and she was and is very much like this. She ended up taking those inside her head characters and writing a book on her computer, huge fixation. All day every day. What got her interacting outside her world was joining a boxing gym. Has a variety of shoot offs of the sport. Real community, accepting, inclusive. The point is, it took her a long time and boxing club may be highly unusual, but for her it caused her to thrive. She leaves the house very day. Find your community. Trial and error. Also for my daughter the inside world of her head was her fixation, one of many over her 29 years and now boxing is her fixation. At times young adult church groups are her community and boxing falls by the wayside for a bit. she goes back and forth. I don’t know how she happened upon either of these, but I imagine she pursued things until she found what is her community. She stills has her inside world, her headphones on all the time at home but she is much more settled and happy. Schools were her traumatic years.

 

[arfie]

hello fringe dweller. you might get more out of the forum if you popped in more often. just saying. . .

so far, i haven't managed to define, "reality." my current favorite definition is, "that confusing time between naps."

for my own psycho nickel, i worry more about participating in life. fewer naps, more participation.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

What got her interacting outside her world was joining a boxing gym.

I love your comment. Thank you for telling me about your daughter. Recently I joined a kungfu club, although I have to say that I have participated in "real life" clubs often and it has never gotten any better. I seem to be able to dwell in a parallel world even when I'm out and engaging in social things.

The only times where the world actually gets me to come out of my fantasy-land, it is always by doing something upsetting (i.e some kind of disruptive event will piece the veil of the fantasy world). I usually resist these with a lot of energy. Maybe I could start being conscious of those moments and see them as a wake-up call instead of threats?...

hello fringe dweller. you might get more out of the forum if you popped in more often. just saying. . .

You're right Arfie, I switched names a few times too, used to be Gwaihir and Radise in the ancient past.
The thing is, after progressing with my healing 15 years, I don't need the forum that often anymore - and sometimes it actually sets me back. I am glad that I can still come here when I need it though.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I maladaptive daydream a lot plus dissociate at least a couple hours a day, usually more so understand what it's like to not be in reality, it's better than the harsh truths which I still know just don't want to completely feel them all the time. The world is a cruel place.

 

[Friday]

Hi forum dwellers,

It's been a while. I seem to post every five years now
Diagnosed about twenty years ago but now mostly healed. No flashbacks, much less panic, more embodied.

A while ago I found out I also have traits of autism (I'm high functioning, and am pretty good at hiding it).
There seems to be a single, enormous, seemingly insurmountable barrier left.

Some ten tears ago I discussed with my therapist that I don't live in reality. My main source of intimacy with 'humans' comes from me engaging 'things' as if they were human (when I was a kid, it was stuffed animals). As an adult I transitioned to talking to photographs. These have kept me sort of 'safe' from having to deal with toxicity in life, but now it's keeping me from even wanting to face 'reality'. I am not in therapy anymore, though my therapist at the time didn't think it was a big deal (I think it is).

I'm very good at living in my own world. To be honest I think this isn't only trauma related, I feel like it's connected with autism.
It's not the exact same as dissociation, but I am just super good at throwing up barriers between my internal/imagined world and the outside world, to the point where I don't even realize the outside world exists.

Now you might think it should be easy to get out of that, but it is not. This imaginary world has been my practice for over 35 years now and I do not know how to deal with the 'world'.
Hence the question in the title.

Upside Down Eagle

Try writing.

Not for publication -or- for publication.

It’s the only way I get stories out of my head, write them down to make room for the next. The stories I love best? I never write down. I keep them for me.

Fair warning… writing anything down? Creates ROOM. For more of the same story. For all new stories

Writing shit down is less a panacea, than it is a survival trick.

Which is why I mentioned writing for publication (which is worlds away from writing for myself). The DISTANCE the editing/editing/editing process creates? That the politics of authorship instill? Are… useful. Or? Infuriating and can f*ck right off. It depends on how closely attached you are, to the story. The distance can be delightful, or painful. Only publish that you delight in polishing & hiding secrets in, that the reader never knows. Or only learns, later. Anything you’re DEEPLY attached to? Save, for yourself.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I’m autistic and have a lot inside my head, I’ve always kept characters, creativity has always been my special interest and way of processing things. Finding people / mediums where I can share this facet of my life has opened up things for me. It’s become interactional instead of something solely private and plays a role in some relationships I have where we have similar interest. Also encourages me to take it out of my head and onto something physical. Which helps me do something with it and also get any emotions it’s holding out.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I don’t have a clue what reality is. I know what everyone thinks it is but that just seems like a shared delusion that sort of fits what we think we know about the universe. I really don’t want much of that except just enough to be able to wade through the accumulated BS to fill my needs while my mind wanders elsewhere.