How Do You Answer Questions About Family?

[Cr8ingMagic]

I don't have anything to do with my family of origin anymore, and since I have terminated relationships, I have met some new people who ask about family. I have yet to come up with a response that I feel comfortable with that stops them from asking further questions. For example, if I admit to having family, they ask where they are located, if I see them often, and I just don't really want to discuss it. On the other hand, I don't feel comfortable lying and saying they were all killed in an accident or they're dead, or whatever. On the other hand, I don't want to tell someone I have just met that I don't have anything to do with them anymore, that just seems way too personal to get into unless I have known them a while and consider them to be a friend.

Are there any folks here who no longer communicate with family, and if so, how do you deal with questions about family?

 

[anthony]

Off relevance may also be: [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5218.html[/DLMURL] or [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread972.html[/DLMURL] or [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread7387.html[/DLMURL].

I hope you find some answers.

 

[cyndi]

I either dodge the questions or if they pry too much, I tell them the truth. Might be time they had an eye opener as an answer to stop them from asking people questions that are nosey anyhow...or they might have been through the same and give them an opening to talk about it. I probably share too much with people but how is the world to start addressing the real issues if we keep them secrets?

 

[TLight]

Cyndi,
I share too much too........then find myself pulling away, afraid people will use the info and hurt me. Which, of course, they have. I'm learning to be more descrete with the gorry details. Leaves me with not much to talk about when conversations turn to 'growing up' stories and families. When people ask me questions, I just mention my parents have passed (which is true) and my 5, count 'em 5!, loving brothers and sisters are all working far away and we don't keep in touch too much. I've decided to leave it at that.
When people do start talking about childhoods and laughing with their family, etc. I tend to really struggle with the dissociation, feel like I'm disappearing from the room, have nothing to contribute to the joviality and find it all really unpleasant. I tend to have to titrate time in these situations. My truest friends do understand and accept that I have to leave the room, excuse myself, whatever. With people who don't know what I'm dealing with.........I just usually don't put myself in situations where people might be reminescing about their wonderful childhoods. It's too much for me, I get naseous, etc. I have to leave and just allow myself that and be OK with that and not care what they think. All about self care at that point.

 

[midi]

My parents live out of town. I think beyond that, I go by my gut on how to proceed...

 

[Seychelle]

Depends on the situation. Some of my friends know that I don't see my parents any more but they don't really know why.

I'm gradually getting more desensitised to people asking/talking about families but I still really dislike it (but I get less dissociated and distressed about it these days).

The most recent one was a colleague asked me what I was doing for Father's Day, and I said I don't see my parents any more. And she was really shocked and I tried to kill the conversation because what I hate the most is pity or questions or intrusiveness. UGH

 

[Salu]

You don´t have to go in depths about it when somebody asks. Something general and round, there is absolutely no need to feel bad about not wanting to share or tell the whole truth. Believe me - most people just ask these things to be polite, you can hardly ever find anyone who actually cares and if you do tell them and would ask them what you told them few days or weeks ago - it´s possible they don´t even remember anymore.

Right now I´m sensing you overthinking things here:Hug_emoticon:Don´t be mad if I´m wrong. You are you. :smile:

 

[Tinyflame]

I feel the same. My parents are dead, 2 sisters out of province estranged many years (originally their choice, now both of ours, I guess).
Usually I say nothing too mich, find a way to change the subject.
-Same goes with the "WHY aren't you married??" question.
Have a couple of relatives other than that, and a few cousins sprea:dontknow:d out around the world.
My 2 remaining relatives know nothing about me as regards this and I would not expect them to be supportive. I have been going to a 12 step group (my choice) for almost 2 years and they are not supportive of that, either. Figure that's just the way it goes.

Yep, it's awkward, sometimes.
:dontknow:

 

[Tinyflame]

Forgot something!

HAVE found 2 "strangers" more supportive than any family have/could be over past 2 years, and certainly have a few friends that I know would not "attack" me if I said anything, even if they couldn't get it.

So...it can surprise you.

 

[Cr8ingMagic]

Salu,
It's something general and round I'm looking for! I'm not mad about your statement, but I'm asking because there were a couple of occasions when someone asked, I said that I don't see my family anymore, and there was this HUGE awkward silence. I don't want to say that I don't see them anymore.

And like several of you have stated, I don't want to share too much, and even saying I don't see family anymore feels like too much information. Junebug, you say you don't say too much, so what exactly DO you say? Or maybe I just need to get comfortable with lying and say that my parents passed away (I kind of feel like they have) and I don't have siblings. I'm old enough now that it wouldn't be inconceivable that my parents are dead, and I don't think there are all that many people who are ignorant enough to ask how they died!

 

[cyndi]

Even telling someone your parents are dead can get you that same awkward silence unless they've been through that kind of loss yet. My Dad passed away last year and I can tell you a lot of people can't handle that truthful answer that is part of life. It brings up too much fear in them of when it will happen in their lives. On the other hand, I have made some great connections with others who have had loss by sharing with them. That momentary eye contact where two strangers understand another's pain. It's a good feeling, that connection. Just some food for thought, but the last year, months of my Dad's life, we shared a real relationship that cut through all the B.S. after a lifetime of being in different worlds. It is sad that it took that but dying seems to be the only thing that brings my family together. I treasure those months, last weeks I had with him. I am @ one month away from the year anniversary of his passing, and the change in weather is bringing up a lot of memories I couldn't process then. I was in the midst of hiding from domestic violence relationship as he passed and graduating from college so I was on autopilot. It was oddly easier then. I fell apart after all the distractions were gone. Piecing myself back together now.

I got off topic, but was on my mind this morning so I wanted to share.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Cr8ingMagic,

I don't lie either, sometimes what I say if I can't get around it (Re: mom or dad, who have died), "Oh they (he/she) died A LONG time ago" (-which it was a long time, but I said it even when it wasn't a long time), and because I wasn't that old they would usually say, "REALLY! (They) must have been young", to which I say, "Yes. But what are you gonna do" .

As to 2 of my sisters, I say "You know, I haven't seen them for ages; they're great people but they were never 'family-oriented', you know what I mean?" (..sometimes followed by - if necesary-"Did their own thing, didn't spend much time together" sort of statement.)

-Usually they seem satisfied with something like that.
Then again, I dated a guy for 2 years before I had to "correct" him that my dad had died, as opposed to parents divorced. Like I said, I wasn't exactly "spilling my guts", lol.

Hope this helps! :smile: