@Friday Yes! I’ve been paying attention to conversations more and I noticed that both sharing positives and sharing negatives are ways people connect.
I think T suggested sharing positives because I was so focused on the negative. I wanted to be able to reach out to T between lessons whenever I felt bad, but she flipped it and told me to reach out when I felt good, and I was dumbfounded!
But I’m starting to see how to connect in a more humane and positive way.
I learned that 1) bragging can be positive sharing, 2) keep connections superficial at first, 3) if the person is receptive and you are in an appropriate environment then you can talk at more depth but be willing and able to “bring it back to the surface” whenever needed.
I know that sounds ridiculous—too simple—but it helps me. Before, when I had no boundaries I only cared about the deep, important conversations and I craved the connection. I thought the superficial stuff was boring at best and manipulative at worst.
Now I see that the superficial stuff isn’t superficial really, it’s a way of maintaining stable social bonds. I avoided small talk situations before, either altogether by avoiding or by launching into deep or cerebral conversation.
I’m trying to dial it all back now. I realize that my approach to conversations was like a mini version of my approach to relationships—fast and furious, I wanted to get swept away every single time or else not at all.
Update on bragging practice: After the piano brag I was unable to leave a message the following week because I couldn’t think of the perfect thing. So she told me to leave only imperfect messages.
On Saturday I left a message about good things that happened after a week of shitty things happening. I sort of had to rush my words because I was afraid the machine would cut me off and I wasn’t even able to say all the things I wanted to say, but I said three different things and they were all about positive social encounters. To me that seemed like a big deal that I was counting my social encounters as something to brag about.
I am changing. I am. I’m getting better. I am. In spite of how hard it is. In spite of the fact that my partner barely supports me on his best days. In spite of the fact that there are bad and mean people at my work and in the world around me. In spite of the fact that my abuser lives nearby. In spite of all that, I am changing and growing.
