How Do You Build Trust With Your Therapist?

[crazy8]

I have been seeing my therapist for about 6 weeks now, and in those 6 weeks have learned that I likely suffer from some complex PTSD + depression. So far he really seems to understand what I'm going through, seems to know how I feel before I even fully realize it, and even handled me having a flashback in a session with him very well.

Still, I have irrational fears of him manipulating me, abandoning me, or otherwise mistreating me. It's not him; I have these feelings with any person whom I share vulnerable emotions with because of my past. It is often nearly impossible for me to verbalize my emotions (I dissociate), so I am trying to write them today and have him read it instead.

I want to build trust with him to help some of these fears go away. I'm very curious in learning how everyone else builds trust. How did you build trust with your therapist, once you decided they were a good match for you?

Thanks.

 

[Lucycat]

It takes time @crazy8 .

Still, I have irrational fears of him manipulating me, abandoning me, or otherwise mistreating me

This is the Complex PTSD speaking! These are very common issues and your therapist will be well aware of it. It took ages for me to really trust my T, and even when I thought I did I still found myself 'testing' him. Trying to prove that he would not let me down. Setting him daft challenges. But he could see through it all - and was even able to explain to me why I acted as I did. It was a steep learning curve, but well worthwhile.

Once the trust is really embedded, the whole therapy thing feels a lot safer.

 

[Hope4future]

Time and then more time along with awareness of when you're testing or doubting the trust. Listen carefully to your instincts. For me the trust has been built patiently session after session where none of my worst fears were realized. Even with that, the trust isn't complete, but I'm not convinced that it should be with anyone.

 

[Candleflames]

Like Lucycat and Hope4future said. It's all about the time and experience.

You'll develop trust by going and seeing that he isn't hurting or abandoning you but is actually doing the opposite. Every time he shows you compassion and understanding a little piece of that support will be put into place. It may feel like it's just a pebble but it will eventually add up. It's been 1 and 1/2 years and I'm too the point where I mostly trust but sometimes waffle back into "can I really?" I know that that is my own insecurity about how much I can trust myself.

 

[digger]

Yep, I'm with the others.....time, time and more time.

For me the more time that has passed without her rejecting me, judging me, minimising or dismissing my feelings etc the more I have been able to trust her.

I have also tested her with less difficult stuff - not deliberately, but looking back I can see that that was what I was probably doing - and seen how she has reacted and dealt with these things.

I have been seeing her for a year and I would say I am only really now 'ready' to move on to trusting her with some of the bigger stuff.

I don't think I will ever trust her, or anyone come to that, completely, and I still continually question my trust in her.

 

[Hashi]

What everyone else has said.

The only thing I'd add is that no-one is 100% perfect, or a mindreader, so your therapist might sometimes slip up. Being trustworthy isn't about never making a single mistake, it's about how someone handles those mistakes. Whether they are open, honest, willing to discuss it, alert to your point of view and ready to apologise if that's appropriate.

I think it helps if we can also try to be open and willing to discuss it if something about the therapy process feels scary or upsetting. To ask what the therapist means if we aren't sure, instead of guessing. To clarify what was meant, if something bothers us.

 

[Rumors]

I wonder how many therapists lurk on this site trying to figure out if one of us is their patient?

Sorry, off topic, but I wish someone would post that thread! I agree with Hashi in that clarifying everything we are unsure about helps the process. I have figured out that what I "think" someone means and what they actually meant are two different things. I am very careful not to project my insecurity onto what they have said. I also try and take things at face value, however I don't do compliments well at all!!! Best wishes!

 

[mytai]

It is often nearly impossible for me to verbalize my emotions (I dissociate), so I am trying to write them today and have him read it instead. I want to build trust with him to help some of these fears go away. I'm very curious in learning how everyone else builds trust. How did you build trust with your therapist, once you decided they were a good match for you?

I'm the same way, every time I try to verbalize what is happening inside my head I turn into a space cadet. I don't like being vulnerable, and expressing my emotions or letting them show through terrifies me and I tune out of my life at that point.

I'm still in the beginning stages of building trust crazy8, but what my T has said to me is that I need to make eye contact with her because that is how we connect and know if we can trust someone. That I need to let myself cry, show emotion so I can see how she will handle it/react. Essentially what I feel like my T is telling me is that I need to learn to test the waters with her. Asking questions and sharing my fears with my T has helped build trust. She has explained several times that she is only human and may unintentionally hurt me (not physically) but she isn't perfect - but if that happens to tell her. She hit a sore spot with me once and I told her, also shared why it was a sore spot for me and we worked through it and it went really well. Not nearly as scary as I built it up in my head.

So test the waters, ask questions, writing letters helps me - I've done two sessions where I pre-wrote out letters touching on things I wanted to talk about, handed it to my T, she read it and we talked about it after. Baby steps.

 

[Abstract]

My answer is - with extremely great, seemingly impossible difficulty. :( It is a constant battle to stop myself using things to justify lack of trust and to separate what I am justified reacting to and what is really about me or past stuff. If only I just had this clearly defined for me (what is actually them or not) then it would all be so sooooooooo much easier. I either doubt myself and stay when I shouldn't, keep myself emotionally distanced or run. It's is truly exhausting beyond words.

But logically I agree with the others. Checking in with what is really happening versus our perception of it is essential. As is maintaining the ability to question.

 

[zaniara]

As others have said- it takes time! And practice. Being honest- even when I really didn't want to be honest- and asking instead of assuming so much has helped. Sorting things out if something feels wrong is scary but a really good experience when the therapist is good.

I used to think my therapist was a psychopath whenever he came 'too close'(not physically!)- since he was too perfect, sort of.. :D I don't think that very often now.. But it took about a year to come to that. I can still doubt him, especially since he actually did mess up pretty badly a couple of weeks ago.

But he is really good at 'making things alright' again. And it's a great opportunity to practice having conflicts in a healthy way..

Basically I chose to act 'as if' I can trust him until I do. Because it's a better option than dying from my PTSD.

 

[Lucycat]

asking instead of assuming

Absolutely! well said!

 

[crazy8]

Every time he shows you compassion and understanding a little piece of that support will be put into place. It may feel like it's just a pebble but it will eventually add up.

I like that perspective. I thought about it that way in therapy today and it helped a bit.

@mytai - I wrote an elaborate letter today, but was too emotional after having a flashback today in therapy to show it to him :-( We did actually end up discussing a few of the things in it, though. I just choke up and either dissociate or have a flashback episode when I try to speak about anything deeply emotional. Maybe someday...

And it's a great opportunity to practice having conflicts in a healthy way.

Good way of thinking of it....definitely something I need to practice. Interpersonal conflict that involves any level of emotion usually sends me into a deep spiral of flashbacks...

Checking in with what is really happening versus our perception of it is essential.

@Abstract you hit the hammer on the nail again in this post! This is a CONSTANT battle for me. I am so grossly unaware of when someone is trying to hurt me or when I am feeling irrationally hurt because of my past. I often have to step back, think about it and try to logically deduce the likely explanation for the person's actions, whether or not they did something to purposely or accidentally hurt me, and then figure out how to respond after that! It's such a laborious, time-intensive, and nearly impossible task. I often make mistakes in this process and incorrectly interpret, so close interpersonal relationships are very difficult, and not at all intuitive.

(edited to move my last point as a separate post)