How Do You Choose And Maintain Safe Friends?

[pandora]

This was brought up in anothers diary...

I thought I would like to find out others experiences. I choose the wrong people..my best friends and people I trust are people I met in church as a kid. Alot..most of the relationships I have had since then, male or female turn out to be toxic. It is like my radar is off. i think they are nice at first and usually they are but in the end I am stabbed in the back, hurt or abused or taken tor money or belongings. Has anyone ever overcome this? Have you made long lasting friends later in life after your trust in people has been altered? Do you feel like no matter how hard you try..your people radar fails you?

 

[This Ends Now]

Trouble Screening Friends

Pandora,

Great thread! I have felt like a magnet for evil people sometimes. If there was one trouble maker in any given group you could bet that was the one person I was getting along with. My "evil detector" has started to function somewhat so I think there is some hope.

One thing I have started to look at is speech patterns. Does this person say mostly positive things about people or negative things? Does this person use terms that imply inner anger (profanity, ethnic slurs, propaganda)? Does this person use a calm tone of voice or a harsh tone?

Another thing I look at is the person's interests. Does this person prefer violent activities (martial arts, hunting, wrestling) or peaceful activities (gardening, crafts, reading)? Does this person listen to angry music or uplifting music? Does this person enjoy violent movies?

Kindness towards animals is another trait that I look for. If the dog sheds on the couch or the cat scratches at the door how does this person react?

One final and very accurate test is the waiter rule. Take the person out to three different dining establishments and watch how he/she treats the waiter. I have used this in screening both personal and professional relationships and found it to be scary accurate.

-If the person is very picky about what they order and make tons of requests then it is safe to assume that is a high maintenance personality.
-If the person sends back reasonably prepared food several times and/or criticizes the waiter's every action then that is a critical personality.
-If the person expects food and drinks to be delivered immediately then that might be a sign of a very impatient personality.
-If the person leaves a very bad tip or no tip (when decent service was given) then you might have a thief on your hands or at least a very stingy person.
-If the person tries to scam the waiter into getting "a little extra" in their meal then that person may be a con artist.

This list could go on forever but I think you get the general idea. Always look at how a person treats those he/she thinks he/she has power over before getting too close to the person. Even if you find out that you cannot trust the person in a traditional sense you can at least trust what actions the person is likely to take.

Liz H.

 

[clare]

I think I'm the opposite when it comes to this so what I say should be taken as the extreme other view. I really don't have any friends because I don't trust anyone. I've been burned before, but I've seen it coming and thought "shame on me" not "shame on them" because I was too naive. You can fine tune your radar by trying to watch out for certain traits that should immediatly raise a red flag.

The first and most obvious ones are people who have addictions.
They are typically incapable of sustaining "normal" friendships because their dependency comes first.

People who are too assertive, "pushy" tend to be self-centered, narcissistic and users who have alternate agendas for wanting to be friends. These people seem to stockpile friendships on a "what can they do for me" basis.

The opposite type are the eternal victims who are very needy, attention seeking and constantly cry for support whithout the capacity to reciprocate. This results in a very tiring relationship that is one-sided and guilt driven.

I assess myself first. Am I attracted to a particular type of personality and why? Is this a healthy attraction? Why would he/she be interested in me? What are my assets? Am I stable or healthy enough to maintain a friendship right now?

In the past two years I have had pseudo freinds drift in and back out. I wasn't too hurt by this because I had already summed them up pretty well. One was a soon to be divorced women looking to get away from her husband and to hook up with a friend of my husbands. As soon as they moved in together the phone calls and visits stopped. A couple I told that they weren't welcome after finding out that one was a convicted sex offender, the other lied about using (herion,oxyies) repeatedly and is currently in a half-way house.

I think involvement with a club, or group that focuses on a healthy commonality brings the best chances for meeting well adjusted people and possibly "safe" friendships. For example a book club, the town day organizing committee, gardening, crafts and sports. Not that NA/AA and PTSD groups are bad, just that people in them have complex problems and those problems come with the friendship (I've got enough of my own-thanks!). You need a break from the troubles too, you don't want to surround yourself with them.

Sorry if this seems patronizing,

clare

 

[Deleted member 541]

I personally believe that no one can use us/take advantage of us in a friendship, unless we allow them. It's all about setting clear boundaries up front with people.

If one of your friends has taken you for money, then it's because you gave them the money. Am I right???? One of the worst things someone can do within a friendship, is to start lending money or personal things. If I lend someone money, I do it KNOWING that they may never pay me back, even though it was agreed upon in the beginning......This way, I can only blame myself.....Very rare do I let someone borrow money from me, it's just a boundary that I have within a friendship......

I would look at your own values and beliefs first, and this becomes the markers for what you want in a friendship. Someone with like values, beliefs, likes, and so forth.....

One of my closet friends now is extremely religious......I swear like a trooper, have a potty mouth that could shame a truck driver.....When I am with Carole, I respect her enough to keep my potty mouth shut. She respects the fact that I am not religious, and she refrains preaching......So respect is a big factor also.......

 

[Grama-Herc]

Liz

I am amazed by the waiter/waitress test. My daughter has been a waitress and manager for Outback Steak House for years. I must pass your litmus test along to her.

Personally, as someone who is completely lacking in people picking skills, I plan on using this test, if and when I ever allow anyone back into my life.

I am also going to send it to my old Therapist. He always said I had no talent when it came to judging the character of others. I'm hoping he will be able to use it with other who suffer like I did, do but hopefully won't any more.

Thank You Grama Herc

 

[TLight]

I've always been a lousy judge of character, but I think I"m getting better.

I operated on the assumption that everyone out there had values like I did............NOT!

I was a victim to begin with, and I was a victim with friends repeatedly....money, slavery, being treated poorly..........yes, I went through it all.

The stuff Clare wrote is very worthwhile. Right now, I have my friend Chris, who I worked for and now we are friends, best friends. Other than that, I have some of my bf's friend, but they don't really know me, we socialize.

I've had such bad experiences, I just feel like I'm on the upswing right now, but still fragile and I don't have too much to contribute to a friendship.........but would like to form one pretty soon. But I must say, I'm a bit worried, but I think I've had enough bad experiences to spot the users and manipulators.

I was a waitress for years and constantly triggered by disrespectful people..........I have sort of ended up hating people cause of all my customer service jobs. This is sad, I know...........
I've always said, "Everyone should be a waitress at some time in their life. The world would be a very different place."

My BF's dad is a realy jerk to service people.........I can't stand him. It's an insecurity thing. People who are insecure within will seek power in their life by putting other down, and service people are easiest to do it to. I guess they figure if they are paying.......they get to abuse and act like the big man.

Just thinking about it makes me angry, so I won't go there.

 

[catjudo]

One of the things I've had to be careful is not rushing into a friendship too quickly, but rather letting it slowly evolve.

There have been times when I've met someone who I really felt we had a lot in common and got along with very well. It's easy to want to rush into that friendship and want to start talking to each other and hanging out with each other all the time. Rather, I've had to learn to slow down and let things evolve more slowly.

Get together occasionally at first and if a real friendship is going to develop it gives you time to really get to know more about that person before it becomes a close friendship that you have a lot invested in. If you realize things about this person that make you realize they may not be the best choice of a friend, it is much easier to cut them out of your life if you were only getting together occasionally rather than hanging out together all the time. If the friendship is a good fit for both of you it will naturally evolve into being closer and spending more time with each other.

This may not be relevant to your situation, but it is something that I've had to work on. Sometimes I would be so eager to make a new friend that I would try to force it to happen too quickly.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I'm also a lousy judge of character. I can find the ONE good quality in someone and ignore the hundreds of bad ones. I used to say I'm a magnet for creepy men and drama females. If I look at one particular couple we currently hang out with - I would have to say that is still true.

She Cat is right - it is about boundaries - but finding the strength and having the insight to see it can be difficult.

I don't have many friends to be honest - and I truly don't have ANY close friends. I'm still too protective of myself to let anyone in that close.

I hope with continued therapy that will change.

 

[pandora]

Thank you for all of the awesome responses!

In the rehab group I have met some really nice girls that are seemingly quite nice at this point. One is a hairdresser and she's cute..I need a new hairdresser badly..There are 4 of us meeting next weekend at one of the girls houses for a hair party. I am looking forward to it..the isolation needs to stop. I guess time will tell and at least it is a step in the right direction. One of the woman that I am connecting with also has 2 children with aspergers so we have some things in common. So I will use this support here to help me to choose healthy people because bottom line I just do not trust my thinking...I think that is going to change at least that is a goal for me!!!I think trusting my gut will be an asset..often my gut is right but I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt and am too nice and too forgiving. I do not need to look for love in all the wrong places..I just have to continue to grow and remain positive and optomistic. I am excited to do this next weekend.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Please, just be careful. Everyone knows you should never get involved with people you meet in rehab/group/whatever!

Even though you have a lot in common---You Have A Lot In Common!

JMHO

 

[pandora]

Thanx Herc...I know..I am going to be careful and I am scared that is why I put this thread out..I will take it all SLOWLY. I am not looking for anything other than a friend. I do not want a boyfriend or someone to save me, love me or take care of me. I just want to have more of a life..I do not need help..just a friend to maybe go for a walk with or even if we hold a hair party every once in a while with the four of us..that would be fine too. Don't worry..I will use the group and any red flags..I am gone..no loss, no harm done. I will NOT let myself get emotionally involved, co-dependant or too attatched. I think that my mindset this time will help. I am a good person and I am there in re-hab...I am giving the benefit of the doubt but will trust my gut if things go wrong..I promise!

 

[suzie q]

I think one of the only times my husband made sense to me was when he said about friendship...

If you go into a friendship with expectations you better believe that they will be just as you expected..human and full of troubles.

Once I entered the relationship with that expectation, they never let me down. I had to set boundaries and either love them, faults and all, or dismiss them altogether. My choice.