How Do You Comfort Yourself When There Is No-one To Comfort You?

[ghotiff]

From Toxic Parents

"At this point, you may be asking yourself, “Isn’t the first
step to forgive my parents?” My answer is no. This may
shock, anger, dismay, or confuse many of you. Most of us
have been led to believe exactly the opposite—that
forgiveness is the first step toward healing"

"The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this
absolution was really another form of denial: “If I forgive you,
we can pretend that what happened wasn’t so terrible.” I
came to realize that this aspect of forgiveness was actually
preventing a lot of people from getting on with their lives"

 

[Echo]

@ghotiff - I think my problem, along with many childhood abuse survivors, is that I feel as if I have thoroughly rejected from very early on. I think in addition my mother is mentally ill - she certainly has attachment disorder as far as I can see - and I have fought for many years to try to see the effect on me. My therapist thinks she is mentally ill, but she does not consider me to be so.

I am sure though that I do frame any rejection as being related to my rape/abuse. It does genuinely seem to have been so. However, to free myself from it, when I am brave enough to ask those involved (if I ever get the chance to do so), I may well discover (if they have any proper answer to give me), that the reasons for rejection actually lie elsewhere. That would be one way of reframing it. But I had so many lies from ex no. 1, even as recently as last year, and I have also found that some other men in such situations are unable actually to put their finger on just what is wrong, so there is little point in asking them!

I feel that the way to sort it out might be about getting to a point where it doesn't actually matter to me what they thought, or what society thinks about rape and abuse survivors. I know who I am and, if they get/got me wrong, it does not matter. My therapist was talking to me about why I was so terrified of finding out what the 'truth' was in each case. She asked me if I was afraid of finding out the truth about myself. I don't think that is it at all. I think I don't want to know how people have misunderstood me and come to negative conclusions about me. The repeated inability to say, "No, that is not me", "No, you have projected your worst fears onto me and you can't see the real me" and to realise that these relationships did not have to go wrong on that basis. That feels like such a betrayal of the truth and an injustice, and I think it would have required me to stand up for myself, to be my own best advocate, and insist they were wrong, in a way I just could not do. I was too overwhelmed at each stage by the feeling that I was horrible, wrong, at fault, etc., that I just didn't have it in me.

.... and I totally agree with that passage from 'Toxic Parents'. I think stating one's truth in a non-blaming way, but one that firmly returns responsibility to the person who has abused/hurt/whatever is the way to go. Along with the realisation about why I have permitted it in the first place. My problem is that I am too ready to see the other side, to feel compassion, and to forgive when I am not ready to do so, so that it lets them off the hook, and no healing is achieved for me. I have to try and stand tall and speak my truth, along the lines of "It hurt me when ..." rather than "You hurt me, you bastard, when ...."!

 

[Echo]

@Ryn - thank you for your lovely words. I do know on a rational level that you are right. It is hard to put it into practice, isn't it and truly FEEL it in every moment? It is such a battle.

Somebody once did my birthchart for me and told me that my life's lesson was not to learn to love, but to learn to love without damaging myself or allowing myself to be damaged. Spot on really. The curse of the soft heart (except when it comes to oneself).

I do want to move beyond these festering things. I can't see me ever being able to resolve things with my parents. They will do anything except take responsibility or even admit to what they've done. But the opportunity may well present itself to do so with my exes. And maybe some of my friends. Have you tried to do this in any way? I know you've started speaking your truth, but do you see yourself ever being able to face any of your abusers or people who've hurt you in this way? I don't know if it is a futile thing to try and achieve, but I feel very much motivated to try, in order to set myself free.

 

[Ryn]

I have to try and stand tall and speak my truth, along the lines of "It hurt me when ..." rather than "You hurt me, you bastard, when ...."!

It's interesting, I actually have mixed feelings (for myself at least) about the "I was hurt/you hurt me" dilemma. On one hand it calms conflict, limits accusation, and therefore in most cases I think works very well. But in the case of rape and abuse, there is, I think, a tendency to self-blame - and "it hurt me when I as abused" versus "you hurt me when you abused me" shifts the focus ever so slightly away from the abuser, in whose hands the full blame lies. I am not sure exactly what I'm trying to say - I was just pondering this. I tend to see myself as a "rape victim" or "sexually abused child", rather than a "human being who was raped" or a "human being who was abused", and sometimes that yields negative consequences for me in the inherent way I view myself. But again, that might just be me.

Have you tried to do this in any way? I know you've started speaking your truth, but do you see yourself ever being able to face any of your abusers or people who've hurt you in this way?

Abusers, no - either dead or I don't know their identities and am far too scared to death of them anyway. My mother, no, not at this point - perhaps someday, but at the moment I don't really have any desire to reconcile or talk with her, on any level - I just want to get out from under her, and get away from her. That may change.

But I certainly DID try to reconcile with my ex-friend who was emotionally abusive, and whose silent treatment, manipulation, and cruel hatred tormented me for several years (and still does sometimes). I reached out to her so many times and she never responded. With her especially I was so desperate for an explanation, since the way she treated me was so unexpected and unwarranted, but she refused to reply. I was begging for a reason, some way to understand, but I think she enjoyed keeping me in the dark. She never spoke to me. I even attempted to speak to a mutual friend about the issue, wondering if they might have any insight, but that person (after promising she'd get back to me soon) never replied either.

At any rate the end result was that I turned all the blame on myself, since I had no other explanation. It is so awful how rejection does that to you, turns you against yourself. Though I have been able to move on from my ex-friend to some extent, I still wish I could talk to her. I went through many phases as I tried to make sense of it, including a furious phase, a self-blaming phase, and an overly compassionate phase (e.g., "you're probably hurting and that's why you're being so cruel so let's just forgive and forget - just let me help you"). I have only just begun to approach a healthy phase where I can recognise what she did was bad, and I don't have to immediately forgive and forget, but that doesn't mean I have to hold a grudge (and therefore let the pain keep haunting me) either. I hope someday she talks to me again and explains/owns up to what she did, but I don't think I can't heal if she doesn't.

 

[Echo]

But in the case of rape and abuse, there is, I think, a tendency to self-blame - and "it hurt me when I as abused" versus "you hurt me when you abused me" shifts the focus ever so slightly away from the abuser, in whose hands the full blame lies.

Oh, I can see I'm not getting things down clearly. I am sorry for the confusion. I certainly wouldn't use this with anyone who had sexually abused me or raped me. You are right, that is in a different league. I don't know where the man who raped me is now, whether he is alive, in prison or even his name (everything he told me about himself was a lie, and the chances are that the name he gave me was also a lie). I've never tried to find him. My parents are a lost cause as far as I am concerned. Though I imagine I might have to deal with my sisters and other family members and their casual cruelty and possible side-taking. No, I should have made it clear that I was talking about my exes.

It could well be that the truth of the matter is that each of them used it as an excuse to get away from me because of infidelity. I know that is highly likely in one case. I may well end up hearing something that just makes me utterly angry - and maybe that is a good thing.

I am sorry to hear about your friend. It does seem that some people like to keep you dangling. That not saying and hearing that you want a reason gives them power and it reinforces a sense of control for them. I guess that is what manipulators like anyway.

The really sad thing is that, having been abused as children, when we were given no reasons at all, except lies about how bad or deserving we were of the abuse, that it leaves us second-guessing all the time. I do feel I've done far too much of that. And it accords too much power to those people. It is that second-guessing that trains us to be compassionate and see things from the other side, isn't it?

I probably am never going to know the truth, and in some ways it is fine when someone has left your life for good. In the end, you find a reason or a series of reasons, and as long as it isn't about punishing yourself, but just accepting that that was what that person felt was the right thing to do for them, it eventually becomes history. As you say, half of the battle is to actually see that the way they did things was not good, was selfish, cowardly or cruel, if that was the case.

I suppose I am struggling because I am dealing with, and envisaging, a return into my life of this ex and potentially of other people who have hurt me really deeply. And I know I need, really need, not just to let them back into my life with an "it's ok; never mind." I need to voice my pain and I need to hear that they are conscious of the problem and plan to treat me differently, as I hope to look after myself differently from now on.

I am so sorry I've written such a confusing post. The funny thing is, I don't really believe in forgiveness as it is often painted. It feels so arrogant, as if I had the power to rain blessings down on some poor sinner. I suppose I try to aim for compassion, but that requires truth and an understanding of what was going on for the other person. Having said that, I am not sure I will ever find it in me to have compassion for the choices of a rapist or abuser. Some things are just wrong and go against what is humane. But I do not want to live with bitterness, holding grudges or anger. That way I would just stay trapped, and I want to be free of it all.

 

[Ryn]

Not confusing at all - sorry, I was rambling a bit in my own post. I totally get and agree with all that you're saying. :)

The funny thing is, I don't really believe in forgiveness as it is often painted. It feels so arrogant, as if I had the power to rain blessings down on some poor sinner. I suppose I try to aim for compassion, but that requires truth and an understanding of what was going on for the other person. Having said that, I am not sure I will ever find it in me to have compassion for the choices of a rapist or abuser. Some things are just wrong and go against what is humane. But I do not want to live with bitterness, holding grudges or anger. That way I would just stay trapped, and I want to be free of it all.

I love this. I hope you are able to find freedom in this way.

I suppose I am struggling because I am dealing with, and envisaging, a return into my life of this ex and potentially of other people who have hurt me really deeply. And I know I need, really need, not just to let them back into my life with an "it's ok; never mind." I need to voice my pain and I need to hear that they are conscious of the problem and plan to treat me differently, as I hope to look after myself differently from now on.

I love this too! I think it is very brave of you to approach things like this. I wish I had more to say, but I just want to reiterate that you are WORTH this. I think you are absolutely going about things the right way and I really applaud you for that, especially in light of all the tough stuff you are dealing with a the moment.

 

[Echo]

Thank you, @Ryn, given how much it has blown me out having several of them contact me, I think they need to form an orderly queue and expect to stand in line for quite some time before I get back to them!!