How Do You Deal With Loved Ones Who Inflicted Your Trauma?

[Lucille]

Hi All, just curious what tactics/tips you all have for dealing with the people who were involved in or responsible for your trauma if you still love them and want them to still be a part of your life/

My alcoholic father is responsible for my psychological and physical/sexual trauma, but my mother is also "the enabler" and my "betrayer" because she chose not to protect me. I still love them, but it's hard to reconcile what they did to me... And how they just wish I wouldn't speak of it anymore. That I should just get over it or cope quietly.

Also, tips for mitigating triggers involving these people would be much appreciated!

*:O_o: Cognitive Dissonance :cautious:*

 

[Lucille]

This has gotten a few views but no replies. Is it that because most people have cut themselves off from family... or it's just a tough question to tackle?

 

[NIKI]

I cut them out of my life. So I don't have to deal with them.

 

[Lucille]

I have seen a few threads about confrontation and cutting family out... Perhaps the question I should ask is if there is anyone out there who has chosen to stick it out with their family, and dare I ask -- has anyone been successful on that front???

 

[Fernbrake]

Hi Lucille. I'm glad you decided to post here. I think this is a very good question. Just a few days ago me and my husband made Thanksgiving dinner for my family. I don't have a trauma memory yet but a lot of evidence that my father molested me. I have had a hard time being around him since all of this has been coming out. I invited him and my mother (I know what it feels like with the enabler comment) to dinner. I was able to block my anxiety and bad feelings for the most part but I was so detached it was hardly enjoyable. I am hoping things get easier because I still love my parents. My father has a lot of good and horrible things about him. Its so confusing to love and hate someone at the same time. bleh

 

[Sandra]

If the type you have to deal with is bad for putting you down in any way a good comeback is "don't even start with me" that doesn't give them a chance to even start their crap.

And yes I removed my brother out of my life many years ago. I still tolerate my sister since I don't have anyone else to help me in an emergency. If I did she wouldn't be in my life either.

 

[Lucille]

My father has a lot of good and horrible things about him. Its so confusing to love and hate someone at the same time. bleh

SO RELIEVED you posted back. I was beginning to think I was the only one... Your ending "bleh" sums it all up. It's exhausting. I've started a diary to delve into those conflicting emotions...

Thanksgiving was overall very nice with my family. I only had a few moments where I felt semi-threatened. 2 surprise hugs made me panic a little bit, but having lots of other people around for the holiday made me feel safe.

Thanks for your reply!

 

[janej32]

This is such a hard question! I have been asking myself this a lot lately and wondering how I can or even if it's appropriate to still love some people.I still love two of the people who hurt me the most very much (one of which is my father). All the others I have cut out and couldn't care less about. But my father, I havent seen in a long time and I will be seeing him soon around the holiday's and I am so scared! I talk to him all the time and it's fine and I have gotten over most of the things that happened, but seeing him again might be hard, I am not sure what to expect. However my father is only responsible for some psychological/emotional trauma, if it had been sexual trauma I am not sure if I would be able to be around him.

 

[Lucille]

If the type you have to deal with is bad for putting you down in any way a good comeback is "don't even start with me" that doesn't give them a chance to even start their crap.

Thanks, Sandra! I appreciate the tip. The difficult part for me is that most of the time, the "putting (me) down" is in the form of passive aggression or sardonic jokes. And he does it because he knows it's what will set me off the most while it appears to others that it's only a harmless joke. It looks to everyone else like I'm overreacting when I get mad. :eek:

 

[Sandra]

Because they are either in denial about what happened or they don't even know half of the truth.

 

[NIKI]

passive aggression or sardonic jokes.

Wow, not only did this man assault you, but then makes jokes about it.

I would find it very hard to be around him, never mind even still loving him. Now this is just my opinion. And I respect your opinion

 

[arcc14]

Get away from them and find a new family. I haven't been able to completely cut ties either out of some silly love or whatever I still have for my mom. I just moved 600 miles away. It's a start. I know it's difficult, but if you keep letting someone hurt you, you aren't going to heal.