How Do You Deal With Loved Ones Who Inflicted Your Trauma?

[Lucille]

Wow, not only did this man assault you, but then makes jokes about it.

I would find it very hard to be around him, never mind even still loving him. Now this is just my opinion. And I respect your opinion

Just to clarify, my dad doesn't make jokes about having assaulted me. He'd rather pretend it never happened. I really don't know how to explain what it is like. It's usually about completely inane things. He thinks it teaches the people around him to be tough, but really it's just annoying. Unfortunately, it's always been his way in dealing with people.

The way I dealt with all of the trauma was by compartmentalizing that my father was two different people. The bad man when he was high/drunk. And the good man who's a doctor and one of the most charitable people you'd ever meet. I just don't know how to understand the sober person who decides to take a drink. Even though it's addiction that convinces him that he can have a few drinks without being the "bad man"... I just cannot empathize with that, which is why I compartmentalize it.

Get away from them and find a new family. I haven't been able to completely cut ties either out of some silly love or whatever I still have for my mom. I just moved 600 miles away. It's a start. I know it's difficult, but if you keep letting someone hurt you, you aren't going to heal.

I appreciate that that's what you've found comfort in, but I don't want that to be the solution for me... I just don't. In my mind, cutting them off is only running from the problem like I tried to do for years. In Al-Anon, they teach that you have to come to terms with the fact that you can't control another person's actions, only the way you react to them. I don't know how to do that yet, but I'm going to try.

 

[Abrasky]

I cut them out of my life so I can heal. It has been hard, but so much healthier.

 

[Lucille]

Hi All, I appreciate the responses... but I just wanted to clarify that this thread was supposed to solicit responses from people who are attempting to salvage relationships with difficult loved ones. I don't mean to be problematic, I just would like not to have to keep repeating myself.

I understand that many of you would recommend that I leave my family. I just want to try to set some boundaries with them before deciding to go down that route. I don't think I'm in denial about anything. I just feel there is a lot of potential to have a good relationship with my parents. I'm only 21 years old. Please respect my decision in that. If I need help getting support to cut my family off, I will let you know, I promise!

 

[milbert]

I'm going to spend time ( a few hours) with my family this holiday. I'm going to deal with it by numbing, dissociating and avoiding any sort of conversation. I'm going to stay quiet and try to smile. I know this isn't healthy. I honestly wish I didn't have to go. I haven't talked to them all year and I know I'll feel less guilty next year when I ignore all calls & emails. Boundaries, in my opinion, can only be set around people who aren't abusive or enablers. I have wasted too long trying to salvage family relationships, putting all the work in and then getting hurt again.

 

[windwoman]

I have been able to work through the abuse by my father. It has taken more years than I care to admit (it would give away my age). The family has been through lots of counseling. I was estranged from the family for almost a decade, but today I feel that amends have been made and I have been able to forgive. However, the most traumatic abuse I suffered was by my first husband. He is no longer living (and no, I didn't take him out) but that horrifically traumatic relationship is what has caused the severe life altering symptoms. It is still very raw.

 

[Abrasky]

If the thread was supposed to clarify something, better you put it in the title.

 

[Lucille]

No, that post was meant to clarify the original intention of the thread... I am looking for support and advice on how to rebuild relationships with my family.

 

[Lucille]

I have been able to work through the abuse by my father

today I feel that amends have been made and I have been able to forgive.

Thanks windwoman for replying! Do you have any advice on how to remain calm and avoid triggers with your father?

 

[Sandra]

You probably can't rebuild things if THEY aren't willing to change.

 

[arcc14]

Lucille, I sounded a lot like you a year ago. The problem for me was that my family was not willing to acknowledge and deal with anything. They would rather just ignore it and sweep it under the rug. It would be one thing if they were able to feel some remorse and apologize. If that never happens, all I can do is move on with my life and not let my family hold me back anymore. It sucks, but it is what's best for me. You can waste a lot of your life trying to hang on to people who will only ever hurt you. I honestly like my abuser as a person too. But that compartmentalizing thing... I don't know. I guess it's what I did for a long time too. Can't do it anymore.

 

[arcc14]

Also, I am extremely calm whenever I have to be around him. I actually sat right next to him at the thanksgiving dinner table last week. And I let him tell me how to fix my car. I listened as he told me how pretty this twelve year old girl at the dinner was.... Yuck! That just made me realize how screwed up his thinking is and that it's not ever going to change and he won't ever realize how badly he screwed me up. But I've been on edge and easy to trigger for the past few days because I had to have that interaction. And I hate feeling like this. I hate being set off by completely benign things that people who actually may give a crap about me do or say after having to spend time with my family. So I'm done.

Good luck! If you find a way to balance, let us know.

 

[windwoman]

I very rarely get triggered around my father, but everything has seen the light of day and been worked through. My father has spent several decades working hard to make amends and rebuild trust in our family. It is true that you can only rebuild the relationships if everyone involved is willing to work, and work hard to heal the relationships. But, on the rare occasions it does happen I have some self talk that I use and an unobtrusive physical cue that helps to ground me and keep me present in the now.