OR it asks me to commit to something I'm past giving all f*cks for, at the time / and the only reasons I still act as if minding I'm honoring my promises.
I'm big on keeping promises, which is why it was helpful to me. For some of the reasons you've said it wouldn't be helpful.
Past giving f*cks? Then you give them the guarantee. Because if you don't give a fk, but they do? Then what's stopping you giving that promise?
They want another 24 hours? If Iegit don't care by that point, then sure. Have your 24 hours. If it means something important to the person asking (and IME it usually means a
whole lot to them), then meh, have 24 hours.
Do that enough times and you get to know how much it costs each time. The tiny nuances between "that 24 hours was actually no big deal after all" (cool, so when I'm like that, it's less of an emergency), and when "that 24 hours of keeping that fking promise was absolute hell" (righteo - you have a clear example of when it's an emergency).
I spend a lot of time living in the headspace of "I don't personally matter to myself much, but my obligations to other people, and making sure they are suffering as little as possible". Makes that guarantee really significant.
Every time I gave that guarantee, I then had to figure out some damn way of keeping it, which meant planning out how the hell I was gonna keep that promise. So, planning how to survive the day. Which is where I learnt skills to do that which work for me. I didn't learn them by accident, or some therapist teaching me "This is how you survive 24 hours when you're in crisis". I learned it by making a promise I then had to keep, and living through the experience of having to make that work. And now I know, because I've done it successfully so many times.
Which is why I don't want to give anyone a guarantee.
Which is exactly why it was so helpful.
But if it's not helpful for you, maybe the
measurement could still be. Can I keep myself
safe for the next 24 hours? If you look at that question and think "err, well, that's kind of a long time...", then if you're not already in an emergency? You're certainly at the point where you should be seeking external support.
I think one of the keys to all this is the negotiating and compromising you start doing in your head. Safe means safe. Not "safe by your standard of care for you". If you're starting to go down the path of "this wouldn't be safe for anyone else, but it's safe enough for me" - you're setting your recovery standards for yourself too low maybe.
Practicing living like you matter, even though you don't necessarily believe it. Because you aren't going to believe it, until you start behaving like it's true. Like giving someone else a promise is hard, turns your head upside down, because you're pretending like you matter on their behalf, even though you don't believe it.
Of course you don't believe it yet - you've never lived as though it might be true.
It is true. You do matter.
And that's why that guarantee is such a mindf*ck at first. It contradicts the distorted belief that this matters, that your life matters. It feels like manipulative BS and why the hell would I promise that and put myself through that?
Maybe you're putting yourself through the experience of
mattering to someone else. That's a pretty uncomfortable idea.
That's part of recovery. You already matter to other people. It's not a comfortable idea. It makes life hard and confronting. But it's still true. Confronting it is painful, but sometimes critically important.
Rant coming from complete personal issues projection over!
