How do you figure out who you are?

[Friday]

Something I used to do on a fairly regular basis was pretend I won some kind of mega lotto. And then I’d write down how I’d spend it. Literally. Choosing any kind of impossibly large number 500 million, 4.2 billion. Whatever.

From exactly how much I’d give away, and to whom, to how much I’d set aside to live off the capital, to what extraordinary and mundane things I’d buy, to scholarships & foundations I would create, places I’d travel, businesses I’d start, staff I’d hire, etc.

And then I would really look at it.

Because all of those things? Were still possible, just in different ways or different timeframes.

Like? I might not be able to fund an archeological expedition, but I could go on one. Or I couldn’t have a live in cook/maid/Alfred, but I clearly wanted some things done for me I could work out differently than I was doing now (hire a maid, cook in advance, seek out companionship, etc.). Many of these things would require planning, and taking my life in certain directions, and by breaking down what I was willing to do, versus, eh... I don’t really want that as much as this, add them to the list but this higher...

By playing a game I got to bypass my reality filter & really, really LOOK at what I wanted out of life, with the sky being the limit, but also come to know myself better. What did I want? What did I value? What were trends and themes and how could I bring those Together? How were they already there, and could be nurtured?

 

[TTC18]

That's a really good idea! Thanks for sharing that :)

 

[PreciousChild]

Hi @tryingtocope18, I so relate to your post. I feel like I'm going through the same thing, and I'm also a single mom. As a child, I felt invisible - I was seen only when my parents needed something from me, which has led me to focus on other people's needs instead of my own. I've been thinking a lot about codependency, which I think I am, and I was struck by how difficult it was for me to think about or even be aware of what I need or want even after years of therapy and work.

I like @shimmerz suggestions. I like the idea that self-care can be developed through a habit of mind. I feel like I'm actually fearful of asserting myself, my needs and wants. In my case, as a child, asserting any kind of need or emotion that did not somehow serve my parents was punished. In the book, Body Keeps the Score, van der Kolk writes about how deeply we bury our true selves when our needs go unmet. In some cases, as in mine (I have complex ptsd), getting in touch with that side of ourselves also goes along with feeling all the shame and self-hate that got buried with that neglected self which is really hard to do. I do go to therapy and challenge myself to dig deep. At the same time, taking small, deliberate steps towards doing things for myself sounds like a great thing to do.

 

[EveHarrington]

Doesn’t your degree point toward an interest?

 

[TTC18]

Not really - I just picked something at random because I was already good at it. (I was good at it because I picked it at random and got trained in it. I've been good at everything I've ever tried. I'm like a job chameleon, lol)

 

[piratelady]

. I've been good at everything I've ever tried. I'm like a job chameleo

I like this! I’m the same way! Now I have a name for it lol... job chameleon lol.

I have recently learned I tend to be this way because the thought of making mistakes really bothers me. I’m a super perfectionist! I always knew I was, but my boss/team mate at work pointed out how hard I take it when I make a mistake. I think that fear if a mistake and the effect it has in me turns me into a job chameleon.

I too am trying to figure out who I am. So far I have: I am a very protective person when it comes to those I care about. I will fight with everything I have to prevent harm from coming to my loved ones. As I type this it just occurred to me that I don’t afford myself the same protection .. that’s something I’ll need to ponder later. Anyway, I came up with that when I was thinking about traits that have been with me throughout the years before abuse, after... that quality has always been there. That’s all I’ve discovered though, aside from discovering this is harder than I anticipated ;)

 

[bhm]

I don't know if I really know myself - if that makes any sense. I've tried making lists of things I like and don't like - but it all blurs with what other people like and don't like. Or what reminds me of bad things happening. Sometimes I feel like there's not really anything there but a bundle of reactions and coping mechanisms and ways to keep other people happy - - - - and I worry that going to therapy will unravel all those strings and eventually nothing will be left. I want to try to figure out what is actually ME and what is coming from what other people think, what I think other people think, what other people want, what I think other people want, and so on and so forth. Any suggestions for how to do that?

I struggle with similar issues and yes, therapy will start to untangle all the strings, and I'm 47 and still struggle to know who I actually am, I was made a ward of the court at birth so really have not much idea where I came from, but I've grown to feel that who we are is a collection of the all the experiences we've had and how they've shaped us into the people we are today, and that can change drastically miniute by miniute depending on what you're exposed to, either being positive or negative, but have found daily meditation greatly helpful in gaining somekind of grasp on who I've become and what I like and dislike, I wish you luck on your journey into yourself :)