How Do You Find Closure After An Assault?

[Deleted member 34328]

The title says it all. I have more than 1 trauma to work through...as do many here. The assault I'm referring to happened at the end of October 2016. The trauma that resulted in PTSD was almost 5 years ago.

I've been in therapy for 4 years with the same therapist. I have a great trust relationship with him and value his opinions and pushes. He seems to know when I need to just be heard and validated, need a safe place...but also a push to get moving again.

I had a session this past week where it was suggested that although it happened subconsciously, two traumas have merged...1 feeding off the other. We've been working on separating the two but with no luck. He suggested this past week that perhaps there's a part of me that is keeping them together. I pull back at that idea. Sounds crazy. He offered a couple of reasons, but ultimately asked the question "how can we find closure to this?"

Everything within the bounds of the law has been done and the file was closed due to lack of evidence.

I feel as though "closure" to simply be a gentle way of saying how to move on. Close the file here too. It's true that I can't move forward on the other mess until this is resolved. It's like a road block.

Still, I'm not handling this well, and have no ideas.

Any suggestions? What does closure look like to you?

 

[joeylittle]

It's true that I can't move forward on the other mess until this is resolved. It's like a road block.

I'm not sure I'd agree with this - I mean, you will know your own mind better than I will :) But I've found that I can't really close the book on some more recent trauma events without working through the core trauma that they are now tied to, by association.

Can you write a little more about what has happened in session that makes you think you need to get closure on the recent event, first?

As far as what closure is - for me, it's arriving at something like an absence of an emotional response. I'm an easy crier, and so it's a good indicator for me - if I can think about, and talk about, something without becoming at all weepy - without feeling anything especially strong one way or another - then, I have a good sense that I've moved on from it.

 

[Muted]

Maybe those two traumas are linked by a negative belief @stp2012 ? Is there a similar belief formed in the first trauma that the second trauma confirmed?

For me, different situations require different things and lengths of time in order to come to that sense of closure. I agree with @joeylittle about having a reduced emotional response/reaction indicates closure or actually for me probably more of a sense of healing. This takes time to work through and therapy.

• I do believe being able to legally resolve it can very much help gain a sense of closure, but there isn't always enough evidence and accepting that can be incredibly challenging, especially when the damage from the impact of the trauma is quite severe. I think that is one of the most disheartening things about the legal system.

• Over time being able to forgive them has given me the most sense of closure. This doesn't take away the PTSD or how a person is forever changed, but it gives a person a sense of peace and allows a person to fully move forward. I think this is a process, but it is freeing.

• I also think being able to have a voice to the trauma helps give a person who has been victimized a certain amount of power that was taken from them back to them.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@joeylittle I can try.

Both traumas do have similarities. There is definitely a common theme...several. Powerlessness, element of surprise, lack of control, invasive...just to name a few.

The first involved an actual rape along with several other factors. This was an assault that didn't cause physical harm...but plenty of psychological harm.

While in session, every time the more recent events begins to get brought up, my mind eventually explodes into a full flashback. T works with me through the flashback, grounding me, breathing etc... process through it.

The level of intensity seems to be rising and the initial trauma invades. One person becomes 2, two things happening at the same time...no longer really a flashback, more of a nightmare.

We've worked on separating the two both in session and me on my own. I've learned a lot of coping tools over the last couple of years and feel confident in managing anxiety levels, grounding etc...for the most part.

He seems to be saying now that these two traumas have linked together through common themes - perhaps even in a hope that if one goes away than so will the other. He and I both know it doesn't work that way.

So I need to find a way to get some closure to the more recent assault.

I just feel as though by doing that...however it looks, is expecting me to also close the file on the nightmares, hypervigilance, sights, voices... it feels awful. If there is a way to put this to rest, I would in a flash.

Does that make sense?

 

[Friday]

He seems to be saying now that these two traumas have linked together through common themes - perhaps even in a hope that if one goes away than so will the other. He and I both know it doesn't work that way.

So I need to find a way to get some closure to the more recent assault.

We've been working on separating the two but with no luck. He suggested this past week that perhaps there's a part of me that is keeping them together. I pull back at that idea. Sounds crazy

Why pull back at that idea? Makes perfect sense, IMO.

Any chance your doubling down at trying to separate them / find closure for the 1 is "just" (I hate that word) massive avoidance of the other?

My bias, up front here, is that it was a completely different scenario which resparked my going completely symptomatic, again. Different scenario, same themes. Couldn't protect someone I loved. That simple. And bang! Pandora's Box blew wide open. I wasted over a year absolutely refusing to deal with the past shit, wanting to focus on the here and now. Over the course of that year it changed from simple, to over & over & over & over again, time after time, after time, repeated themes. Shit becoming seeeeeriosly tangled. Was some of the modern stuff heavy? Yup. CritA in and of itself, big bad voodoo. But no amount of dealing with that was possible, much less useful. Like trying to stick a finger in a crack in a dam. It was everything else, all the past shit, where the power was. Is, for that matter. The only way to untangle them that I've found? Is to follow the knots. Look at both pieces (all pieces) tied together. Thing is, though, the very strong tendency is to look at the shiny bright pieces (now) and ignore the old & dark pieces (then). Doesn't work that way. The more I try and focus on just the now? The worse this shit gets tangled. If I want to deal with today's BS, I have to spend about 90% of my time on the old & dark. The newer pieces are where I want to. But the old and dark is where shit starts getting sorted.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Yes @Friday that does make sense. I run the opposite direction when the dark past is approached - the themes are acknowledged and validated. But digging into the actual rape has me running away or shutting down completely . That's what's invading any discussion of this one.

The last 3 or 4 sessions have been completely explosive.

It seems to me that the whole idea of trying to or wanting to keep this alive and connected is just crazy! No one wants their trauma to stay active. At least I don't get it.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((@stp2012 )))
I don't know know that the word "closure is always a "given".

In my own experience, my traumas have been "put" into the "rooms" in my heart/mind that have the "doors" shut, and locked. The lock is on my side and I have the only key.

So, for me, it's a different kind of closure.

 

[Freedomfighter]

The title says it all. I have more than 1 trauma to work through...as do many here. The assault I'm r...

I agree with joelittle. Closure? That is a dangerous word. I would most likely disagree with such assesment too. Being stalked and carrying physical pain right now from attempts to get away from my my tormentors leads me to understand yor situation. Because at times the pain from assaults receedes but never goes away completely. I would most likely balk at the word closure.
Can not share my physical injuries online because the people that stalk me are trolling online forums attempting to keep tabs on me.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

No, I don't suppose it does ever completely go away @Freedomfighter .

I'm not expecting to forget everything or undo the past. Just find a way to put it behind me.

 

[Sideways]

I have no idea what closure means!:rolleyes:

But I think the intellectual process of seperating traumas is overrated.

Yes, the incidents are different. Always. And say a person has a traumatic experience, then starts seeing everyday events as traumatic and linking them to past events, that's a problem.

But when you've experienced more than one trauma, and they involve those "similar" themes, the way your brain processes them, and integrates them into your learned experience, makes them quite inseparable. Your brain will (fairly sensibly IMO) use information from those 2 seperate incidents to learn and inform itself about things like what's safe and what's not, power dynamics, threatening body language, etc. And that's not even touching on the theories about why people with one trauma on board are more likely to experience more.

Therapy, for me, is a "whole person" thing. And our life experiences to date are intertwined in our brain in complex ways so that it's the sum of our experiences that is responsible for the finished product that is the you walking round today. If you have trouble sleeping, it doesn't always get you anywhere to try and figure out if that's a trauma A or trauma B problem. And if your self concept has been shaken, or your sense of feeling safe in the world, all the things that make us who we are have been influenced by all our experiences.

To a degree, I can see that working through each experience has value, but trying to recover from incidents in isolation to each other (if that's what closure is about?), seems more like an intellectual exercise rather than a "whole person recovery" exercise.

The second trauma you've referred to didn't just happen to anyone, it happened to the complex and unique person that is you - you experienced that event while the previous event was aleady part of your history and impacting on the way you experience and make sense of the world.