How Do You Forgive When You Never Get An Apology?

[Jezeg]

About 1 month ago I found out my combat vet was sexting another women he met online. I of course lost it. He denies his involvement, and says she was just messaging him. I don't believe that is true. He never met this woman so there wasn't a physical betrayal, but to me it's still cheating. I started seeing my counselor again and she feels it's going to be impossible for me to move past this if he doesn't take ownership for what happened. We started seeing a couples counselor and she helped some. At least he is acknowledging the fact that he has PTSD. He told her his excuse about how it was all coincidence and he wasn't involved, and she didn't question him on it. She basically said we both see the situation differently and that as far as the sexting she can't help us with that. She is helping us with our other issues related to his PTSD. I can tell he thinks by now I should be over it all. He wants to be intimate again, as he feels like we are just roommates now. I just still feel so hurt. It's like once I found those messages it made my brain remember all of the other hurtful things from the past I thought I was over back up too. I feel stuck. How do I move past this?

 

[Iga]

Honestly, if he's not admitting he did anything wrong, to me that means he's likely to keep doing it. Because, if he sees nothing wrong with it, then why wouldn't he? It doesn't sound like he realizes he hurt you. It's great that he's seeing a therapist, but it doesn't really sound like he's ready to be in a relationship. Especially if he had no explanation or apology about the sexting. If he had openly explained to you why he'd done it, and apologized, that'd be one thing. But it sounds like he just wants you to forget so he can keep doing it.

Sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear.

 

[Anu]

He denies his involvement, and says she was just messaging him. I don't believe that is true.

Do you have any proof that he's lying?

 

[Jezeg]

Do you have any proof that he's lying?

I will explain how everything happened. Honestly I can use an outsiders opinion on the subjuect. I honestly think he is lying. I was working a ton and our relationship was going through a rocky patch as PTSD relationships often do. He was spending more and more time on his phone and I would mention it. One day I went to see him at work and I saw he had a message on kik messenger, which was an app he never had on his phone before (when I mentioned it he said he had it, but I have used his phone many times and it wasn't on there). I brushed it off but something told me it wasn't right. One day I was running late for work and so was he. He forgot his phone when he left. I have never checked his phone before but I saw he had a message on this kik app. My suspicion got the best of me and I opened the messages. The first was a sexual message from her. Then 3 nude photos of her with the message a little something to get you through the day. I was seeing red. At that point I politely responded to her message saying it was his gf and he left his phone at home that day. Later that day I was looking for answers. I found they were friends on Instagram. I'm assuming that's where they met. At that point I noticed the few pictures he had of me had been removed, as well as the picture of the house we just bought that he tagged me in. This girl had liked and commented on all of his pictures for a month. Also he posted a picture of himself that I commented on a week before I found the pictures. My comment was deleted (it was the heart eyes emoji) but her comment was there saying I like pissface (what he called himself in the photo). I ended up messaging her on there asking how long this was going on and was she aware that he had a gf he lived with. Surprisingly she answered and apologized to me. She said she knew nothing about his personal about him and had no idea he had a gf. They had never met. She said she was truly sorry for her part in it at that I was hurt. She said she would never be a problem again. His response was that I did not see any messages from him. For as long as I have know him he has always deleted his messages as soon as he sends them. No idea why, so that was a weak defense. I also found a video he made of himself (self gratifying) on his phone that was conveniently made the same night in our bed when I fell asleep on the couch. He claims that he made that for me to respark our sex life. The thing is it's something I would never participate in. We have never exchanged videos like that in the 3 years we have known each other, and her first message about sex with him would make sense after receiving that video. His claim is that she messaged him 3 times sexual messages. He asked her not to. The stars just aligned she she happened to send those messages the same night that he made a video of himself for me....while we were in the same house. He also claims he didn't know how to block her on kik. To me that's something you can easily google even if you were receiving messages you didn't want. It just doesn't add up to me.

 

[Jezeg]

Honestly, if he's not admitting he did anything wrong, to me that means he's likely to keep doing it. Because, if he sees...

That's what I am afraid of. If it was so easy to do it this time, what will stop him from doing it again? And it's hard to heal and move on with no answers or explanation.

 

[Tapuvu]

Sorry, he's lying to you. It's sad when you can trust a complete stranger (her) over your bf.

This is blunt, but I think it's the truth and what you need now. I'm so sorry you have to go through this!

 

[Elana]

So he's sexting and you are snooping through his phone. Both sound like betrayals of trust to me.

 

[Jezeg]

So he's sexting and you are snooping through his phone. Both sound like betrayals of trust to me.

I agree. I have never in 3 years ever looked at his phone before. Never felt like I couldn't trust him before. I get it was wrong for me to look....but I wasn't the one being unfaithful. I have told him a million times in our relationship. Feel free to look at my phone anytime. I have nothing to hide.

 

[Jezeg]

Sorry, he's lying to you. It's sad when you can trust a complete stranger (her) over your bf.

This is blunt, but I th...

Thanks I appreciate it. It just makes me think....how far would this have gone if I didn't see these messages? He never met her in person, but would he have if I didn't catch him?

 

[Wusac]

In response to your original post and your long reply in the comments....he's lying to you. That is coming from my gut feeling and my personal experience with my combat vet. Regardless of whether or not you caught him lying or whether he sent her messages or not -- that doesn't really matter does it? What matters is that he hurt your feelings, and he disrespected you and your relationship (unless you guys had an agreement where exchanging pictures/talking to other people was okay). THAT is what he should, at the very least, apologize for. You didn't even get a single "I'm sorry"?

In my personal experience, he was texting her back even though he said it was all her. He did let her think he didn't have a girlfriend, even though he said he told her. And she sent him dirty pics that he saved, even though he said he didn't. You can't make him apologize, you can't make him feel bad about what he did, you can't know if he's telling the truth, and you can't know if it is ever going to happen again or not. And that's a lot of not knowing that you are going to have to deal with moving forward... Every time he is on his phone, you're going to wonder. Every time a girl comments on his photos, you're going to wonder. Every time you fall asleep on the couch and he goes to bed without you, you're going to wonder. And honestly? Just because that girl apologized and said she didn't know? She could be lying too. So that's another think you're going to wonder about, as well.

It's been 2.5 months since I found pictures and I'm still not over it. I am in counseling (was before anyway), he's blocked the girl, and he keeps his phone unlocked or gives me access if I ask. But that's not how relationships are supposed to be and I think you and I both know that.

 

[Wusac]

The "he" I'm referring to after "In my personal experience" is my SO. I made that unclear.

 

[Alagod]

My SO did that and it just got worse and worse. It goes from pictures to skyping to phone calls to meeting. The end for us was after it had finally stopped, it started again all of a sudden ( about four clean months then a storm of women) and when I caught him and tried to show him on his computer he smacked me to the floor.

So get out now. I waited too long. Loving them makes us do things that are bad for us, that no one should ever put up with, The pain of losing them is intense but leaves you some life ahead. Staying will never be good. It could be that he was disassociating when it happened and really doesn't remember and doesn't feel remorse, or could be just doesn't feel anything. But that includes loving you. Been there, it hurts terribly, I'm sorry you are going through this. Save yourself more misery and leave.