How do you handle bullies, teasers and meanies?

[shimmerz]

Bullying, back in the day, was a whole different thing than it is now. Teachers generally turned a blind eye to it. I think the overall thought was that bullying would 'toughen kids up'.

Of course, at that time, they didn't feed kids SSRI's and similar drugs like candy to numb them out, so every word cut like a knife to the heart. And it was never a one on one thing. The bully (because they are cowards) would bully OTHERS into bullying the same kids over and over again.

I was literally pulled out of school in grade 6 because of bullying. It had gone so far that my mother and teacher were concerned for my personal safety after an incident where I was literally run over by a kid on a bike.

Don't think for a minute that if nobody picks up on the bullying that it isn't a real danger to the victim. Kids don't know when to stop. And yes, Eve is totally correct. Kids kill themselves over being bullied because they see no way out. Because there most likely wasn't a way out.

So SheilaKathy, good for you for doing what you needed to in order to make it stop. If I had my choice between being bullied and being given a wide berth, I would choose the latter any day of the week.

 

[Changing4Best]

A 10yo teased you, so you jumped up and down on their chest breaking their ribs and giving them a...

I think he got the concussion when I knocked him down. I am not sure. I don't recall hitting him in the head or face, but I was so angry that I might have. It has been many years, as I am now in my mid-60s. And, yes, in some ways, I regret having done what I did. In others I don't.

I never said a word to any of them all year long. I just bowed my head in shame and stood or sat there silently. I never called them names or anything. I just "took it." Until that day.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have thought for the day about my past, the whole 6th grade year of being bullied, how I reacted to the one bully who came onto my property and bullied me in front of my own home, and what I did.

I have heard your positive responses here to what I did to him, and your negative ones. I have also told this story to many people in person over the years, and every person I have told in person has said that I did the right thing, that the bully deserved it and they were supportive of me concerning the whole situation.

Here, for the first time in my life, someone has said something negative about what I did, as if it was the most awful thing I could have done. As if being bullied for a whole year was "nothing" and what I did was a horrible crime.

So, do I listen to the few voices that condemn me? Or do I listen to the ones who have said in essence, "That bully deserved it, Sheila!"

I know what I did was "wrong" in some ways. However, bullying is also wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right, true, but, and here is the big BUT: the bullying STOPPED after that. I HAD TO DO SOMETHING. And so I did what I did.

I never thought to complain to the teacher, she was not the type who would have done anything about it, I was pretty sure of that, so I don't even think it occurred to me to tell her. I had gotten the impression from her, pretty early on in the year, that she did not like me. So I did not feel safe with her enough to tell her.

I never thought to tell my parents, or even my sister, only the class of kids seemed to know what was going on, and to tell you the truth, the teacher would have had to be blind, deaf and dumb, not to have been aware of it and to have done something about it! Yet, she did nothing.

Then it started to follow me into the summer, after school was over with. I think somewhere in the back of my mind, was some kind of desperation that it would follow me to middle school (or Junior High, as we called it back then). And I was scared that it would NEVER stop.

And then I "lost it" when that one kid just pushed me over the edge. I WENT CRAZY. I WENT INTO A FRENZY.

And that is what happens. And it has been in the news, kids in that frame of mind do commit suicide or they shoot their bullies or whatever. But they DO SOMETHING. That is my point.

When the victim gets to that point, some kind of violence occurs. Bullying really can and does push a person to that point and I was pushed to that point and I did what I did.

I have prayed for that kid. I have apologized to that man, when I could find him on Facebook to do so, years later. I have asked God to forgive me for doing what I did. And I know that He has, because He forgives all sin, if we confess it and ask Him to.

But honestly, if I were given the same set of circumstances again, to live over, I believe I probably would have done the same thing that I did. And I think that a lot of other kids, given the same set of circumstances too, would have done something similar.

It wasn't just "teasing." It was far more than that. And it was prolonged and sadistic. That is how it felt to me.

And NOW, in my life, 50 years later, I have been experiencing something similar. And I am a very troubled soul right now. And I am sick physically and mentally over what happened then and what is happening NOW. And I feel HELPLESS. AND I HURT.

And I come to these forums for SUPPORT, not condemnation. And that is how I FEEL today and I had to express it or I would have burst!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@SheilaKathy I'm sorry that you feel the way that you do, and I knew you would. People don't understand how it feels to be bullied. I had 2 older brothers, that not only sexually abused me, but they bullied me too. But it was commonplace in my family and it was also encouraged too. My mother taught me to fight back, by doing the same to my brothers. School??? Shit, they turned a blind eye in the day. Kids will be kids. Boys will be boys.

Don't feel bad. Don't defend yourself. What done is done. It happened a long time ago, you've apologized you've done what you could. Besides, I'll say it again, the little snot DID deserve it!!!!!!!!!

 

[Changing4Best]

Yeh, yer right, if someone has not experienced bullying, they have no clue what it really feels like, I do believe that. From the outside, looking in, it can just look like something not that serious, but it cuts like a knife, really. You know, in many ways, I think that the bullying I received that whole year and that summer, was worse than being raped or molested. And since I have experienced all 3 of these things, I have a right and a duty to say that!

 

[Friday]

It's not about what you did. As I said, kids do all kinds of terrible things to each other, and they cannot be judged by adult standards. For many reasons, not the least in the which being exactly as @shimmerz says "Kids don't know when to stop." Whether they're the ones teasing or the ones jumping up and down on a kid. They go too far. They hurt people. Because they really don't know any better, don't understand the consequences of their actions, don't understand the effects they have on others, and don't know when to stop.

You were a kid. You didn't know any better.

Moreover, you were an abused kid. So your reactions would be expected to be completely over the top. To just about everything. 3 really good examples are inherent in how severely name calling effected you, your absolute disengagement with them until you exploded (as if they were you adult abusers & you were completely powerless & disallowed from responding, instead of peers with no authority over you), and both how grossly you overreacted when you finally did / who you instinctively targeted.

((The kid who wouldn't fight back; abused kids almost always choose someone who mimics their own abuse history / is another version of themselves. For a couple common reasons; the power differential with you in the abuser role and them as the victim instinctively feels safe; & anger at yourself, taking out all your rage at both your abuser AND yourself, on them. You'll often hear both kids and adults screaming at themselves via their victim-proxy when this happens. Secondary/transferred abuse is often far "worse" when this happens. To be clear, while this is super common? It doesn't always happen, and I'm not saying it did. It could have been as simple and as clear cut as you picking someone you felt safe to attack. But if it did happen? It's not something to be ashamed of.))

Abused kids? Are extremely dangerous when they get triggered (by something normal they misinterpret as cause), or snap (when pushed too far, in any capacity).

Is that their fault? Hell no.

Does it make them bad people? f*ck no.

It makes them abused kids responding and reacting exactly as you'd expect an abused kid to. It makes them very normal.

But that you're still happy you hurt this kid as badly as you did... as an adult? Have no remorse or sense of proportion whatsoever?

This is the piece, right here, that I was shocked & stunned by. Not by what you did as a kid. That's nothing but expected. But by how you still see it as an adult.

I am not a person who believes violence is never the answer. In point of fact I believe sometimes violence is the best answer. If you'd bloodied his nose? I'd be right there with you, cheering alongside. But that isn't what happened. There wasn't a response commensurate with the provocation. This was a brutal attack where you almost killed another child, & if you hadn't had PTSD before? This alone was enough to give it to you. And you're -as an adult- not only proud of what you did, and feel totally justified in it, but your only regrets -still as an adult- are that you didn't do the same to more kids. That fundamentally shocks me. It's almost like you're still stuck in 12yo thinking? Really, I almost hope so.

 

[Changing4Best]

Since I APOLOGIZED to the MAN who as a kid I did this to, I am not in the state of mind I was in as a 12 year old, OBVIOUSLY. Since I have PRAYED for this man, and confessed this SIN to God, I am not PROUD of it, NO. I think you misinterpreted something there, but I am not sure what. I simply believe I would have done the same thing, given the same circumstances, period.

I agree I overreacted. I wish I had not done so in many ways, but it happened. I agree that having been PTSD already, at that age, my mental condition did most definitely affect my actions.

As to your hoping I am still in the state of mind I was in as a 12 year old? I don't get it. Are you wishing that on me? REALLY? @Friday

 

[Friday]

Besides, I'll say it again, the little snot DID deserve it!!!!!!!!!

I realize this could come off as snarky, and I don't mean it that way, just as a heads up. We're both of us pretty direct, and I have no problem owning when I'm about to strap my bitch on, and I'm not. I'm mostly trying to figure out if we just fundamentally disagree on what's commensurate / deserved with teasing.

If that kid deserved to be hospitalized for name calling, when ...kids... Following that logic should Shelia do the same thing to the adults who are teasing her now? After all, unlike kids, that they understand the consequences of their actions would mean they "deserve" a hospital level beat down far more? If not, why would a kid deserve a harsher punishment than an adult, doing the same action?

I just don't understand the idea that a kid deserves to be beaten, but an adult does not.... And it occurred to me maybe you believe the adult does, too? Or...? It's just not parsing for me, so I figured Id just ask you, straight.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Friday This is what I posted the other day. This is my view on the subject.....

@Suzetig The incident was probably 40 yrs ago! Having been bullied myself at a young age, yes, I would have done the same thing at THE TIME!!!!! Today, it wouldn't be an accepted behavior, but neither is bullying. How many children have committed suicide because of being bullied??? Maybe had they been able to stand up for themselves, they wouldn't have the need to go kill themselves.

I'm not advocating fighting, but one person can only handle so much. Times have changed, and people are more aware of these things going on, but there needs to be more done for the person being bullied....

 

[Changing4Best]

I agree, not only does there need more to be done for the person bullied back then, I believe more needs to be done about it in my life NOW, with the adult bullies that I am dealing with. Certainly I am not advocating that I should be able to punch someone in the face now or anything of the sort, but bullying at any age really needs to STOP. It is ruining my life and I don't know what to DO about it. That is why I started this thread. I brought up the stuff from when I was 12 to explain why I am so upset about what is happening NOW. That was the only reason I brought it up, not to get into a whole bunch of crap related to what happened to me when I was 12! @She Cat.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@SheilaKathy I think that you have to find a way, to be assertive, without being angry, but you need to confront these people. You need to ask them to stop. Just stop! Standing up for yourself, will allow you to feel more empowered and it may just stop them in their tracks. I feel that they do this because they can. You probably don't argue back, you probably just walk away. They know it and they continue to harass you.... They know they can get tomyou, so they do... You're easy prey so to say.......

 

[Changing4Best]

Yeh, I know. I have said before in another thread a few weeks ago, that it must be written in BOLD letters on my forehead, "BULLY ME!" I don't fight back, I don't even think I know HOW to fight back or argue it or whatever. The word "No." was beaten out of me by my molester since my earliest memories. I have had trouble saying it in any terms whatsoever, all my life. No one believes me when I say "No." or any variation thereof. I am not convincing in that at all. And I know it. And they know it.

Assertiveness is something I need to learn, because I have no clue how to be assertive. I watched a video on it that someone suggested on that other thread, but watching a video on being assertive does NOT make one assertive! I don't know where even to begin.

@She Cat