How do you handle bullies, teasers and meanies?

[Changing4Best]

I had to look up what subjugation meant! Yes, it is a good concept to get one's mind wrapped around and understand better.

Anyway, yeh, bullies try to subjugate their victims by several different means, and I had a run-in with a different bully today than the previous ones mentioned above. This one made a sexual inuendo towards me, something about that he would sit across from me if I "played footsie" with him. I told him he'd better watch out or I would send Kenneth (my boyfriend) after him. He made some snide comment about how ugly Kenneth is and I told him to behave himself. After that he shut up and left me a lone, so I must have handled it pretty well.

Even so, for a good half an hour afterwards, I kept going over in my mind what I SHOULD have said and how I could have handled it better. I hate that. Then again, I am getting my feet wet handling bullies for the first time, always just having "taken it" before, so the fact that I said anything at all to handle it is an improvement! I should be proud of myself and give myself a pat on the back.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

always just having "taken it" before, so the fact that I said anything at all to handle it is an improvement! I should be proud of myself and give myself a pat on the back

Good for you! @SheilaKathy and wishing all of the types of social (covert-behind one's back), physical, verbal, and cyber-bullying issues were easier to come to terms with.

 

[Changing4Best]

I think we learn as we go and we learn from what others suggest here too. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain by having read this thread and starting to live and work with the suggestions and ideas shared here.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Just ordered the book: BULLY IN SIGHT (How to predict, resist, challenge, combat workplace bullying) Overcome the silence and denial by which abuse thrives BY: Tim Field.

 

[Changing4Best]

I found another book that seemed to address my situation more directly, which is:

BULLYING AMONG OLDER ADULTS
How to Recognize and Address an Unseen Epidemic
by
Robin P. Bonifas, PhD MSW

I read the intro on Amazon and found it to be something that I'd like to look into further, so I bought the hard copy book. It will soon be on its way to me. I read the 1st chapter on Amazon, and it already peeked my interest. I might also share the book with the Senior Center Director, once I finish reading it. It is written specifically to staff that work in Nursing Homes, Assisted Living Facilities, Adult Communities and such. However, it probably helps those who live or participate in such communities too. It did mention Senior Centers and Congregate Meal sites also, which is where I attend. I'm looking forward to read it!

 

[DharmaGirl]

Sheila, I've followed you since you came on the board, and watched you heal and grow as a person. You are a good person who expects others to treat you as you treat them (as do I) I am a Buddhist, and taught my son that there is never a reason for violence, but...he was friends with a boy with Aspergers. He rode the bus with this boy every day, and helped him follow the school's rules about bullying. He told the bus driver, helped the boy file a complaint, I went in to talk to the dean about it. They were both about 10. They bullies were bullying both of them now. His father told him to hit the ringleader. After almost a whole school year of trying to protect his friend, the school punished the kids but their parents thought they shouldn't be punished so it really didn't do anything. My son mindfully punched the ringleader in the stomach once, told him to stop and walked away. It worked. It was the only thing that did. I thought about that a lot and thought that our society still believes that violence works. Back then, I had the poop beat out of me so much I was thankful when I just called names. I'm sorry this happened to you. I know you are a kind, gentle soul.

 

[Changing4Best]

Hey, @DharmaGirl thanks for the kudos and I love you too! I am sorry this happened to your son and his friend. It really is a tragedy when it occurs on anyone at any age, but children especially can be scarred for life by it. It is so damaging to self-esteem. Confidence is diminished and all sorts of mental ailments, even physical ones, can erupt from it too. In the other book mentioned above, which I also read the first chapter of on Amazon, it did say that physical problems can occur because of bullying also, even when it is "only" emotional abuse. A person can get ulcers from it, for instance, and that is just one of the many things it can cause.

Thankfully, when I was in High School, I joined a church youth group and that bolstered my self-esteem a lot, as I was treated well there and even elected to the position of Secretary among the group, so I was responsible for our newsletter and folks appreciated that. I had boyfriends among the group, traveled to conferences in other nearby cities and in general had a wonderful time in that group.

Even though I have Dyslexia, which caused me all kinds of learning difficulties, I eventually overcame all that and made the 95% Honors in my school grades. In the article I posted the link to, about why bullies bully, it was plain that kids bullied those they thought of as "stupid" and also those who did not excel in sports. I fell into both those categories as a youngster, during my grade school years, so I can see why I was bullied now. It makes sense. I have a high IQ, but the dyslexia caused all kinds of problems. I did not learn to read until my second time through the third grade, for instance. That marked me for bullying automatically! There was no getting around it. If a teacher asked me to "read aloud" everyone discovered that I could not do it. I was sent to remedial reading classes, but ultimately my parents had to take responsibility and have me tutored. I spent a whole summer being tutored for 8 hours a day, just so I could learn to read. They had to blindfold one eye at a time, have me read the passage twice, once with one eye, and then again with the other eye, until I was finally able to read with both eyes at the same time. To be inside being tutored when everyone else was outside playing was torture! I hated it.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I found another book that seemed to address my situation more directly, which is:

BULLYING AMONG O...

@SheilaKathy You do not have to even purchase book Bully In Sight by: Tim Field - all you do is type in to google - bullies who thrive on subjugation and you'll find when you scroll down the link to this particular book and you can read 40+ (perhaps more I only got to 40) pages of this book on-line. Thank you for your above-referenced book. Take care and have a safe 4th of July. Love, Your Christian sis.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well! Yesterday, the chief bully at the Senior Center (where I work) put his hands on me
and asked me, "Could you chew this up for me, honey, so I could
swaller it?" as we were given our lunches today. I said to him, "Gene!
That is disgusting." After lunch, he again put his hands on my
shoulders and said something to me again, calling me "honey" again, so
I raised my voice so everyone in the whole room could hear me and
said, "Don't put your hands on me and don't call me honey!" He "Yes
Ma'am"-ed me, but I could not tell if it was a sarcastic "Yes Ma'am."
or a real one. (2 of the men in the room gave me supportive words or
gestures when I said this, so I was happy about that).

I later went to the Senior Center Director and told her what happened,
and that he had also been harassing one of our newer members, a woman
of course, asking her to "...wash my dirty drawers." which he has done
to other women too. The Director said she'd handle it, but I told her,
"No, you need to get the big boss to talk to him, he won't listen to a
woman, he needs a talking to by a man." She didn't say anything to
that, and I had to leave, so I don't know what will happen, but I for
sure know that SOMETHING has to be done about this, before he drives
some new poor soul away for good, before she has even had a chance to
meet the rest of us!!! I am still quite upset by all this. This is the
same one that said something to the tune of, "Why don't you bring your
bed too, while you're at it." in reference to my bringing my pillow to
sit on, on Friday, like I have for the last year, for cryin' out
loud!!! This guy is so obnoxious.

I don't feel like going to work today, but I know my client needs me. Furthermore, having had to raise my voice yesterday may have upset him, I am not sure. The last thing I want to do is upset my client! So it feels like my hands are tied. I wish I could just punch these jerks in the face and get it over with, but that would solve nothing.

I don't even really know if anything will actually be done about this. Our Director is so over busy....

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

What's your next plan in case the director doesn't handle it, especially in the specific manner you suggested to them, and the behaviors continue? It sounds like the attempts to have them take care of him is plan a, but what is plan b in case they let you down?

Can your client communicate well enough for you to ask him if you upset him by raising your voice? He obviously observes the same behaviors you do if he's in your presence at the time they happen, so he may be very understanding and supportive of your responding in the way you did. He's likely to be more upset at the behavior that caused your outburst rather than the outburst itself, if that makes sense.

 

[Changing4Best]

I guess I would have to say, "Stop it!" and "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" if it happens again. However, I think the Director had a talk with the guy today. I saw him walk into her office and he did not leave for awhile after that. So it looks like she spoke with him. Now if he does not listen to her, I will have to do the above.

I was so upset by what happened yesterday that I did not have a chance to really see if my client seemed upset by it or by what I had to do in response to it. He seemed OK though, from the time I got myself back together enough to observe him afterwards.

@Tornadic Thoughts