How do you help a traumatised part know it's now rather than the past?

[Movingforward10]

Currently, I'm struggling with feeling dead/collapsed inside. Young parts are feeling like that because of anniversary period. They just want November over. They are playing dead/checked out until it's over.

How do you help yourself if you have experienced this?
I want them to understand it's ok now and we don't need to wait to feel better again.

But I just don't know how to do that.
I have managed it before with another anniversary period. But that seems easier because that's summer with more day light. But also, I went earlier this year to the streets where that happened and it helped to just be there and not feel it had power over me.
I don't know how to take the power over me away for this one. I can't revisit the site of it as it was his home. And I can't remember where that is anyway.
Idk.

What's helped you?

 

[ags1]

I find telling myself I am having an emotional flashbacks helps. My feelings are not "the truth", it's a flashback. Also accepting those are feelings I couldn't even acknowledge at the time, so I can make some space for them now.

The anniversary is a hard time for you. Maybe accepting that instead of trying to get rid of the feelings? That's the basis of ACT therapy, accepting the difficult feelings, but still acting according to your values.

 

[Freemartin]

I have found all attempts at dragging insiders to the here & now utterly unhelpful. I know some folks ace it and the parts really do click out of the past, but for me? Ain’t happening.

I think the main obstacle in my case is that a big part of my traumatic childhood was gaslighting. And hence, no matter what I tell my kiddo part, he ain’t taking any of it. If I try to convince him that it’s safe now, he’ll only recognize it as betrayal.

So, the best I can do with the kiddo part that’s still stuck in the past is trying to tap into his physical sensations. Sometimes it helps if I can feel some of his sensations and at the same time be somewhat grounded in the here & now. Easier said than done, I know. It doesn’t pop the kid part into the present, but it takes some of the pain away. Plus gives him the experience that someone, named me, isn’t trying to gaslight him.

In the long run, I hope this method builds some trust and also lets the kiddo process the trauma. We’ll see.

 

[Movingforward10]

I find telling myself I am having an emotional flashbacks helps. My feelings are not "the truth", it's a flashback. Also accepting those are feelings I couldn't even acknowledge at the time, so I can make some space for them now.

Thanks @ags1. This is where I tie myself up in knots. And stay stuck. The feelings just don't shift. It's been a few weeks now.

The anniversary is a hard time for you. Maybe accepting that instead of trying to get rid of the feelings? That's the basis of ACT therapy, accepting the difficult feelings, but still acting according to your values.

Yeah, maybe I haven't accepted it but I think I do. So it's confusing to me.
Idk.
Maybe I'm only pretending to accept but my notice is for the feelings to go away.

 

[Movingforward10]

I think the main obstacle in my case is that a big part of my traumatic childhood was gaslighting. And hence, no matter what I tell my kiddo part, he ain’t taking any of it. If I try to convince him that it’s safe now, he’ll only recognize it as betrayal.

Thanks for explaining that @Freemartin. I had/have gaslighting too so maybe that's part of it for me as well. Hadn't thought about that as had just assumed inside would know that adult me is ok. But I suppose adult me gaslit myself too for decades so....

Sometimes it helps if I can feel some of his sensations and at the same time be somewhat grounded in the here & now. Easier said than done, I know.

Yeah, this is where I get blended. Hard to see where I end and where they begin. But also sometimes I can separate it out.

It doesn’t pop the kid part into the present, but it takes some of the pain away. Plus gives him the experience that someone, named me, isn’t trying to gaslight him.

Thanks, this helps. A few weeks ago I was trying internal communication and asked young ones why they need T for this and I'm not enough to help. They said "I'm too cheerful about what happened". Which I'm translating as they feel misunderstood by me. So maybe I got to work on that more.

 

[Freemartin]

I find it really frustrating when even pros tell people with kid parts to soothe the inner kiddos like they would deal with real-life kids. Like, yo, my kid part’s no regular kiddo who accepts comforting and thus gets comforted. It’s often assumed, even in otherwise quite legit trauma literature, that kid parts are like ”normal children” when it comes to being taken care of. Nooooooo, that’s not how my system works! And, what’s yet another layer of this shitcake, I haven’t treated my kid part well. He’s only wise not to trust me after all that denial, silencing and forcing to do stuff he’s terrified of. Why. On. Earth. Would a child, part or ”real”, trust anyone with that track record???

 

[Movingforward10]

I find it really frustrating when even pros tell people with kid parts to soothe the inner kiddos like they would deal with real-life kids. Like, yo, my kid part’s no regular kiddo who accepts comforting and thus gets comforted. It’s often assumed, even in otherwise quite legit trauma literature, that kid parts are like ”normal children” when it comes to being taken care of. Nooooooo, that’s not how my system works! And, what’s yet another layer of this shitcake, I haven’t treated my kid part well. He’s only wise not to trust me after all that denial, silencing and forcing to do stuff he’s terrified of. Why. On. Earth. Would a child, part or ”real”, trust anyone with that track record???

I hear you @Freemartin . Same.

 

[beaneeboo]

Have you ever tried, what i call, mirror work? I'm not sure if it's a therapy technique or not, but it's something i do and find helpful...

It's basically being infront of a mirror and looking at yourself, in the face/ eyes, and naming the feelings coming up for you... saying them out loud... for me, I'll say 'I can feel you're feeling really tearful today... that thing that happened/ what they said to you etc made you feel x, I hear that you don't want to go out now, that x/y/z is making you nervous etc etc etc... Can also be for something positive: 'I felt how relieved you were when x happened ' etc.. or 'that made you feel x ....

Some how, talking to myself in second person helps me define what's my feelings as an adult, and identify what's going on for other parts, and it's very validating for some of me that I'm taking time out to look them/ me in the eye and acknowledge what's going on for them...

Seeing myself sometimes helps alot. It's a weird exercise to do...

Maybe it's enough to look in the mirror and acknowledge that dead feeling... ask yourself more about it and validate that feeling... maybe being allowed to feel it might help in some way?

I also feel a sense of helplessness in your words - a sense of 'we have no agency anyway, so there's nothing that can be done'... I may be wrong... but if that deadness is to do with powerlessness, maybe sit and ask that part of you/ yourself 'what so you need to do to feel more in control? What do you want to do?. Could be something completely unrealistic but the imagined process of that maybe helpful for that part

Not sure if any of that is helpful

Sending strength

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks @beaneeboo , I haven't tried that but I will. Talking to myself out loud has helped when really heightened as hearing my adult voice brings me back to the hear and now.
So this mirror exercise might work.
Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[beaneeboo]

Let us know how it goes if you feel like it..

Other thing to say is I think it takes perseverance... so if not much happens the first time, don't give up

 

[Torch]

Maybe accepting that instead of trying to get rid of the feelings? That's the basis of ACT therapy, accepting the difficult feelings, but still acting according to your values.

Going to second this.
Want to add that immersing in the emotions and sitting with them is my go-to for certain flashbacks, SI, SH, collapse/dead states, etc. I like to wait until they pass (although I'm still working on transferring this skill to other triggered states.) Since it's an entire month and you have things to do, it's not reasonable to be still and sit with them until the month is over.

Would it be realistic to set aside some time each day to sit with the younger parts while they're collapsed?
I know it's an assumption, but most parts, especially exiles or otherwise traumatized parts, at their core, need to be seen and heard.
As an adult, you could demonstrate that you are dependable, reliable, supportive, and care about their feelings by showing up just to sit with them and 'see them' in their collapsed state. It might be painful, but could fully immersing in the collapse with them for a while be what they need this month?

Maybe every day for 10, 15 minutes, or another a set period of time, until the month passes? Might be helpful to get in the right mindset by creating a small ritual of it, and providing a small offering to the younger parts? It's getting cold. Maybe making hot chocolate while you sit with them? Or something else you remember these parts liking to offer?
Personally, I like the ritual of lighting a scented candle or using other aromatherapy items to create that 'safety space' for myself when meditating or engaging with parts.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I find it really frustrating when even pros tell people with kid parts to soothe the inner kiddos like they would deal with real-life kids. Like, yo, my kid part’s no regular kiddo who accepts comforting and thus gets comforted. It’s often assumed, even in otherwise quite legit trauma literature, that kid parts are like ”normal children” when it comes to being taken care of. Nooooooo, that’s not how my system works! And, what’s yet another layer of this shitcake, I haven’t treated my kid part well. He’s only wise not to trust me after all that denial, silencing and forcing to do stuff he’s terrified of. Why. On. Earth. Would a child, part or ”real”, trust anyone with that track record???

im word salad brain mush right now but wanted to parrot this and say random ideas thag help me sometimes.

the younger ones in my system only trust certain part(s) to engage with them or comfort them or they dont want anyone. i think sometiems it helps me to just do things they might like or lay off on intaking stressful or edgy stuff a bit and take it easier so they can breathe. without targeting it at them. i think mine are calmer when the needs are met like food, warmth, sleep, physical comfort, hygeine. it's hard but when those are bad i think they feel scared and sad and it reminds them more of places. just do things softer and less intense when i can, and that can have a lot to do with what i'm entertaining myself with and filling the silence with. Less computer more other things and maybe being outside. my system does really bad with online stuff which is why computer is limited normally, like youtube commentary videos we’re not supposed to really watch things about people complaining about eachother because it throws everything off and makes the environment bad for some parts, they get burried under the mush of it because they cant understand it and it’s not nice demeanours. Too much noise.


the part that the kids trust he’s good at making snacks between meals when he’s active outside, for the smaller ones so they don’t get uncomfortably hungry while waiting. I think most of me can just meet needs but doing a little extra I think it trickles down to them even if they really don’t want to be reached to inside by whoever. gestures like that addressed to them feel more manageable and less intimate i think, maybe it can be a start?


i dont know if you have a visual world inside at all but some of mine have places to go, they either go to good places or bad places, if you have anything like that maybe you can try and help make the good places more of a thing for them and even individual safe places if your brain can work like that. most of mine made theirs on their own but new ones have been made for some parts to ground them somewhere and give them a different place than painful or punishing places. They can be moved there without anyone touching them. mine have responded well to having safe places inside to relive things and be upset in, so they are less immersed in the place where it happened and are more reachable by things and parts that can help