How do you help a traumatised part know it's now rather than the past?

[Movingforward10]

Would it be realistic to set aside some time each day to sit with the younger parts while they're collapsed?

Thanks @Torch. That would be realistic and I could do that.

Might be helpful to get in the right mindset by creating a small ritual of it, and providing a small offering to the younger parts? It's getting cold. Maybe making hot chocolate while you sit with them? Or something else you remember these parts liking to offer?

Yeah, these things could work. I went on a long run yesterday and they like pretending to jiggle around with the running.
Hot chocolate could work too.


I am fortunate in that we have two homes (one city, one countryside)and I'm now up in the countryside and decided to stay here for longer as I can work from home this week. Less pressure. Not so many people. And more day light in to the property. Which is the main thing. That has cheered me up no end. Little ones feel like they are on holiday up here. We can all relax a bit. Maybe they also feel safer here? There is no walking out in the dark up here either, as I drive here whereas in the city it's walking or public transport. Both of which mean: people/men = anxiety.

I'm feeling a bit more hopeful.

 

[Movingforward10]

im word salad brain mush right now but wanted to parrot this and say random ideas thag help me sometimes.

the younger ones in my system only trust certain part(s) to engage with them or comfort them or they dont want anyone. i think sometiems it helps me to just do things they might like or lay off on intaking stressful or edgy stuff a bit and take it easier so they can breathe. without targeting it at them. i think mine are calmer when the needs are met like food, warmth, sleep, physical comfort, hygeine. it's hard but when those are bad i think they feel scared and sad and it reminds them more of places. just do things softer and less intense when i can, and that can have a lot to do with what i'm entertaining myself with and filling the silence with. Less computer more other things and maybe being outside. my system does really bad with online stuff which is why computer is limited normally, like youtube commentary videos we’re not supposed to really watch things about people complaining about eachother because it throws everything off and makes the environment bad for some parts, they get burried under the mush of it because they cant understand it and it’s not nice demeanours. Too much noise.


the part that the kids trust he’s good at making snacks between meals when he’s active outside, for the smaller ones so they don’t get uncomfortably hungry while waiting. I think most of me can just meet needs but doing a little extra I think it trickles down to them even if they really don’t want to be reached to inside by whoever. gestures like that addressed to them feel more manageable and less intimate i think, maybe it can be a start?


i dont know if you have a visual world inside at all but some of mine have places to go, they either go to good places or bad places, if you have anything like that maybe you can try and help make the good places more of a thing for them and even individual safe places if your brain can work like that. most of mine made theirs on their own but new ones have been made for some parts to ground them somewhere and give them a different place than painful or punishing places. They can be moved there without anyone touching them. mine have responded well to having safe places inside to relive things and be upset in, so they are less immersed in the place where it happened and are more reachable by things and parts that can help

Thanks @Dark.Green.Feathers , that's all really helpful and I reasonate. The leaving them alone reasonates: they need to trust it's ok to interact otherwise it's more of the same for them.
And, agreed: screen time doesn't help I've actually been knitting and that is something they seem to like. Tactile and it's making something and it's calm.

I don't have a visual safe space for them. I'm wondering if I can create one for them, but I have no idea what that would look like for them. I feel like if I invent a place it would be too abstract for them. They need something tangible for them. And they don't have that from back then.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I don't have a visual safe space for them. I'm wondering if I can create one for them, but I have no idea what that would look like for them. I feel like if I invent a place it would be too abstract for them. They need something tangible for them. And they don't have that from back then.

it’s not always easy, my T once said just making somewhere private with what they need (hierarchy of needs is somewhere to be) while they can’t make their own decisions and need that help, and they can tailor it later, but that was for a mature part so I don’t know if it would apply here.
I have a drawing of the place, it has a bed, window, a beanbag + blankets, and a chest + wardrobe. And a poster.

The first place I think I intentionally made was a forest, it’s not used much anymore but that’s a neutral open place that was good for not getting too close but still being a place they can appear and be. Nature is calming so that felt right.

Mine all seem to be tangible places but I suppose they could be abstract too as long as there is tangible things of comfort there (maybe they’d feel safe somewhere that can’t be accessed by anyone but isn’t enclosed for example).
The few who feel safe around the caretaker part of mine have a place they live with him, younger ones like the open version they made and stay in the communal spaces, that’s their idea of home; two older parts have their own room in a more closed version of the home. It’s kind of abstract in the way that they don’t overlap, each has his own version of that place where the other doesn’t live, but the caretaker part does. and that’s just how it’s turned out to be.
I think the mostly open home is loosely based on something in a game but I don’t know which one.

There was a water and plant place at one time, pretty abstract in the way that it was fictional but made up of all real things. No people could go there, lots of different areas. There were small creatures and a few beings made of water (one of them was helpful) but no people capable of harm. that was made by someone younger I think.


Do you think it has to be something familiar to them or just tangible and comfortable to them? Are there any places from books or anything that they know and like maybe?

I understand it being a dilemma because the animal presenting parts in my system don't seem to feel safe staying outside somewhere open, or inside somewhere enclosed, because both mean they might be caught by someone, but i think it’s possible to work something out.

It feels like a lot of my system doesn’t like being completely isolated inside, some like to be alone and have a personal space but knowing they aren’t alone alone if they are somewhere, it’s like it wards off bad people (lot of persecution inside), you probably have your own things that make your system feel safe.

sorry for the brain vomit, hopefully some of it can be helpful or something

 

[Friday]

I don’t have parts-parts.

I broke in different ways.

The parts of me that reacts/responds to anniversaries? Couldn’t. Give. A. f*ck. That. It’s. “Now”. It’s clearly… now. Obviously. And I’m hurting NOW. And f*cked up NOW. And your nonsense & expectations & suck it up & smile pretty & act as if & act like a lady so hide your crazy & whatever else… can shove it. This isn’t a flashback. It’s pain. And grieving. And remembering. And I’m doing the best I can. NOW. If an actual emergency happens? I’ll be there. Quick. Brave. Lucky. But whilst it’s normal life? f*ck the f*ckity f*ck OFF. I’ve been doing this for a damn long time. I’m allowed to crack, to get tired, to hurt. When things are good. When they’re bad? I’ll drag myself up again, and grin/wink atcha. Do. Not. Depend. On. Me. For. Moral Support, Good Company, or any other kind of BS, whilst I’m catching my damn breath. And taking a moment to get my strength back. To get my humor back. My wits sharp, sharpened, or at least my fangs brushed. I’m holed up, and hurting, and already beating myself up over it. Have some faith in your damn self to handle the day to day, because right now??? I will set fire to the day to day, to make it go away. I’ll be back soon. Got shit to sort. You sort yours. I’ll sort mine. We’ll meet up at the rally point. Or the next fresh hell.

It’s not a then/now thing.

I’m holed up & hurting. Go away. Thing.

I’ll be back, as fast as I can. Because I hate this. And it sucks. But it’s happening. So some trust & understanding would be deeply appreciated. Later. When I’m up to doing more than surviving, and can appreciate nuance & best intentions.

***

If you have parts-parts… What makes YOU feel better when it hurts? When you’re grieving? When you’re remembering? …Or do only your parts hurt, grieve, remember?