General How do -you- manage when your vet has told you top secret information?

[bellbird]

Hello :)

I'm not usually around these here parts, being a PTSD sufferer myself, but I have a question for the supporters.

Prior to my last boyfriend who was the abusive one and major contributor to my PTSD, I was with an army vet for about 2 years.

He had served in 4 countries before we were together, but wasn't in active duty during our relationship.

It was a very serious relationship, and he even moved countries to live with me.

During the relationship, my vet told me details about classified/top secret missions he undertook.
At the time, I was the first person he had ever spoken to about them, as he wasn't even allowed to tell the army shrink, because of their classified nature.

I was probably quite naive, but loved him immensely, and couldn't bare seeing his stress cup overflowing when my then pre-trauma cup was considerably less full.
So when he said he wanted to tell me what he had done and seen, I said ok.

He told me everything, and in a lot of detail.
As I'm sure as many/most here could appreciate, they were very graphic and shocking and distressing. Things that I felt very grateful that my civilian life to date had not exposed me to.
We'd speak about things whenever they came up. It was fine because it was never like I was stuck alone with those memories; I had carried some of his burden but he was there with me.

We broke up.
There was no abuse, and it was quite amicable at first but got quite messy after.
Now we have absolutely no contact.

After we broke up, he said to me: you can't tell anyone the things I told you.
At the time, that wasn't so difficult, as my stress cup was still quite low and they really didn't bother me for a couple of years, until I started being abused in my next relationship, stress cup got fuller, and eventually overflowed with floods of intrusive memories of the things my vet had done, in so much detail that it felt like I was 'there'.

I ended up going to my old T about it (mostly forced to by my abusive ex because I refused to tell him about the content and I kept getting in trouble for having vocal nightmares about it - they 'bothered' him)

T and I made a written agreement that she wouldn't make any notes regarding the content.
I felt extremely guilty for spilling his secrets, but it did help to be able to talk to someone about it for the first time in years.
However, we only spent half a session on it, as there were much more pressing matters at the time, so it never got processed.

I've since changed T, and had another flood of intrusive thoughts re my vet's experiences over new year, probably due to some other trauma stuff that made my stress cup overflow.
And I realised that new T wouldn't know any of the info, and I don't feel I can write it down here.

So all in all I'm feeling very stuck with a lot of intrusive thoughts, that are becoming quite distressing and upping my symptoms
I wrote a post about this in my trauma diary, and @Freida suggesting asking over on the supporter side as well.

I suppose I'm wanting to ask if any of you have been in this situation, and what you would do.
Sorry for such a long post, I feel I'm tiptoeing around a lot of words.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

OPSEC is a tricky little bugger... especially with vets after separation. Ultimately he is responsible for what he shared. He made the choice to talk about it with a civilian, even if it was his partner. I wouldn’t feel guilt for knowing what you know. You didn’t force him to tell you things he wasn’t supposed to tell you.

Hearing war stories can be a bitch. I’m not very reactionary, and my vet has told me things that have made me want to puke. I can see how having PTSD yourself would make it hard to deal with those images in your head.

As far as sharing his stories... you’re not bound by anything. Personally I don’t share my vet’s war stories with anybody because they aren’t my stories to tell. With that being said, if you’re “reliving” them like you were there, obviously you need to get some help with that. I wouldn’t worry about telling your therapist any of this though, what with patient confidentiality.

 

[bellbird]

Thanks for your response @Sweetpea76

Personally I don’t share my vet’s war stories with anybody because they aren’t my stories to tell.

For sure.

With that being said, if you’re “reliving” them like you were there, obviously you need to get some help with that. I wouldn’t worry about telling your therapist any of this though, what with patient confidentiality.

Would you suggest that I need to make another "contract" where my T doesn't write any of what I say down in her clinical notes?

Or that just having the standard patient confidentiality is enough?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think you’re good with just standard patient confidentiality. Just don’t list out specific times, dates, places, names, etc., if you’re concerned about it.

Also, you said he moved countries to be with you? I think you’re good regardless if he didn’t serve YOUR country.

Like I said before... he bears the responsibility for his own big mouth, not you. If he was that big of a top secret squirrel operator he should have known better.

 

[bellbird]

Just don’t list out specific times, dates, places, names, etc., if you’re concerned about it.

Will do.

Also, you said he moved countries to be with you? I think you’re good regardless if he didn’t serve YOUR country.

Yep. He didn't serve in my country, nor was he part of my country's defence force.

Like I said before... he bears the responsibility for his own big mouth, not you. If he was that big of a top secret squirrel operator he should have known better

Ok yeah, very fair point.

Thank you for this.
Even knowing that I can talk about it, feels like a weight lifted.

I've got a lot of my own trauma stuff that I need to prioritise talking to my T about, but after that I will definitely talk to her about these intrusive thoughts, and we'll go from there :)

 

[EveHarrington]

I think I’m the bigger scope of things, it’s important to realize that when someone tells us a secret, they are un-burdening themselves, but at the same time they are placing the burden on us. Really, it’s not our responsibility to keep their secret when they couldn’t even keep it themselves! This is why I never tell people it’s ok to tell me a secret. I hate that burden! I will note that at the same time I am able to keep private information private. (Yes, there is a difference.)

 

[bellbird]

Really, it’s not our responsibility to keep their secret when they couldn’t even keep it themselves! This is why I never tell people it’s ok to tell me a secret. I hate that burden!

Very fair point!

I will note that at the same time I am able to keep private information private. (Yes, there is a difference.)

For sure, thank you for your input @EveHarrington :)

 

[Phoenix(not)]

Intrusive, unwelcome thoughts can be deeply troubling and I empathise with what you have shared. My psychologist taught me how to develop a "Teflon" mind technique, so when an intrusive, unwelcome, unproductive thoughts pop into my head, I (am supposed to) immediately recognise it as unwelcome and then "biff that thought" mindfully; hence Teflon Mind. It's easier to write about than do though, as at times I still ruminate on the thought before I recognise its negative impact. We can never go back in time and undo / unhear a thing so it is pointless even pondering about the "if only I'd...." So for me, it is immediate invoking this Mindfulness technique that "Biffs it". If you do a google search using the string "teflon mind" (with the quotes) you can find out more about this. I hope it helps.

 

[bellbird]

I remember my old T talking about velcro / teflon minds in general when it comes to our default state for bad thoughts and good thoughts respectively.

Both in PTSD and non-PTSD brains. With the challenge being to make positive thoughts more velcro and negative ones more teflon like you say.

Thanks for bringing it up @Phoenix(not)
I'll try to work on it, though easier said than done as you also say :)