General How Do You React To Your Sufferers Sexual Trauma?

[Neverthesame]

Once I had though... my husband took the role of revenger and has been dishing out karma on my behalf. I don't know what it is he does..but from what My Nana says... the abusers life is shit.. and when it gets better, it turns to shit again...

I really enjoyed reading this part. :D

Sorry I don't have anything really useful to add, I just wanted to give your husband kudos for that. :tup:

 

[Killashandra]

Husband enjoyed that. Thanks neverthesame :joyful:

 

[twinkle30]

That's actually the response most sufferers want mrsmith.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

As a sufferer, I honestly dont think I will ever find anyone that will understand.

Even if they dont know the super bad stuff that happened that I did (though it would be SO NICE to be able to share that), even just sharing that im a victim of childhood sexual assult; Ive never had one person; not one guy, not one 'friend', and not one family member that is willing to either believe it happened or they react all put off, or they look sickened toward me, or they cant deal with my endless issues.

So I remain alone, to deal with it alone and only finding support online...

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I am the female half of our relationship, and my fiancé's Supporter. (He is undiagnosed "complex PTSD dissociative" but not DID, stemming from repeat and persistent developmental traumas.)

I have had my own background to deal with, and no doubt that is relevant, but my guy's sexual TRAUMAS didn't disrupt us - though I did hurt with him, grieved with him through some of the remembering/healing process, etc. We BOTH wrestled with what it would look like to "forgive" .. I haven't felt "vengeful" towards his abusers, but I AM fiercely protective of my man!! (he is of me, too, though) So I am on HIGH GUARD against anything - whether interacting with others, or even activities between the two of us in our own intimacy - that could even remotely resemble a return to past abusive behaviors, or an exacerbating whetting of the fetishy appetites that were spawned by them ..

BUT .. having said that, I was a virgin with almost no relationship experience coming into this relationship. And he, by contrast, and primarily as a result/fruit/consequence of past traumas, has MANY notches on his bedpost. And THAT has caused us some .. struggle. Please don't read that to say it's somehow been all bad, very much the opposite is the case - I LOVE him - I STAND by/with him - but some of his interests born out of his background have genuinely shocked me and been difficult for us to figure out what OUR intimacy will look like. Things he wants me to be brave enough to try, things that THIS virginal girl (pointing back at myself) with my own background and inexperience and ignorance to deal with .. I have, at times, found almost impossible to imagine. *blush*

On the whole, I find myself a relatively permissive and imaginative person. So we WORK at this, we talk through EVERYTHING (on purpose and by design), and I agree to press my comfort zone while he agrees to try to tone things down and move at my pace. But the past couple years has felt at times like he's rushing me or making demands I can't fulfill without threat to the relationship - to clarify, he has made NO "demands" .. he never insists (!), but I am so driven to "please" him that it can make me FEEL expectation even when it might just be curiosity on his part .. so it's been a VERY delicate dance. :) :(

BUT he loves me sacrificially as I do him, so he "sacrifices" some of his fantasies, and I sacrifice some of my, um, resistance. ;) We have worked out "guard rails" which neither of us will cross which keep us safe, and "on the same page." Even there, we don't put limits on what we're allowed to SAY to one another. He is free to tell me WHATEVER he might want to - even if he thinks it will shock me - and I am free to BE shocked because he knows I'll really wrestle with it, and "try to find a way to say yes" even though we ultimately are walled in by certain morals that we both agree we won't compromise ..

Where the Rubber Meets the Road:
But as a girl - and I THINK this is more a girl than guy thing? - it is at times VERY difficult not to compare myself with his past lovers - almost ALL of whom were sexually superior to me in some way. Some veritable goddesses in bed. *sigh* Yet, HE is consistently very reassuring to me, suggesting that for us to even BE an item, to BE engaged, for him ("of all people") to be willing to marry a virgin when he was unwilling to marry ANYONE before, speaks SO highly of my "fit-ness" to him as a mate that I should be COMPLIMENTED, and not worry. So that's where I concentrate my emotional energies, and I CHOOSE to believe him even when my "insecure" tendencies start to jump forward ...

When we first got together, he was SURE once I knew the details of his past I wouldn't want to be with him anymore, he was terrified (TERRIFIED!) that he would "corrupt" or "warp" me. Even as recently as a couple weeks ago, he was confronted by a (very inappropriate and ignorant!) pastor as if my man was "bleeding green bile" all over me, and while this guy had absolutely NO basis for jumping to these conclusions, nevertheless he forced my man into a reflective state, worrying that he was ruining me, and considering even he might need to break up with me to "save" me from him, cuz he's too "broken" to be good for me .. *sigh* .. We worked through all that, coming out "more in love" on the other side, so I can't be too unforgiving, but it doesn't change my view that this man was WAY out of line in how he handled us....

And the fact of the matter is - a) the more I knew of him the MORE I wanted him, b) any "warping" (IF it has happened, and I would take issue with that view) has been entirely by MY agreement and interest (I own my own decisions!), and c) his "past" (both traumatic and volitionally promiscuous) has ultimately proven to BLESS us in OUR intimacy, because - well, let's face it, he's experienced, so he really knows what he's doing and he has taught me a LOT, but INSIDE the safety of our loving and gentle and secure and forever-committed relationship. Turns out, he really gets a kick out of showing me "firsts" (and since he was my first kiss at the age of 37, that means EVERYTHING is "new" to me), AND it has challenged us in a positive way to figure out how to slow him down and speed me up and so meet in the middle .. which means we are having to fast forward a LOT of the kinds of "communication conflicts" newlyweds normally don't even bother with until years into their marriage. But he and I have YEARS under our belts, have worked hard TOGETHER to get here, and have much HOPE for a BEAUTIFUL (and REDEMPTIVE) future!

He never makes "demands" of me, always puts me "in charge" ("you can only hike as fast as the slowest camper") and works VERY hard to make sure I feel SECURE in whatever WE are doing together. So I think that's pretty much a good recipe for our success .. and I love him more EVERY day. And am enjoying the bittersweet LOVELY reality of both PROTECTING him in our intimacy, and learning to be BOLD for him there, too. And I think the two go hand in hand. And we are BOTH healing and better for it. ...

Perhaps all that is "too many words" to simply say .. with the right person, you'll make it work. ;)

So in love,
~WU

 

[Miinah101]

I guess another thing that concerns me is that there are certain things I don't want to do in the bedr...

I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I knew that my history would most likely be an issue with a romantic/sexual partner, so when I met my current partner I told him flat out when I knew he was interested (I didn't want to let myself get too interested in case it all fell apart when he found out, but I was very quickly falling head over heels for him) and so I told him everything. We were eighteen and are still together over three years later.

That way forward might not be appropriate for all people though. I just knew I'd be more heartbroken if I told him later and we broke up, than if he decided he wasn't interested any more. I hadn't invested in him enough to be upset if he just walked away. Plus, it meant that sexually, when a problem arose he knew why from the get go. There are things I refuse to do because of my trauma, and he completely understands. Sometimes I feel up to it and it's great, but most of the time it repulses me. And although, naturally, he doesn't like the idea of repulsing me, he understands and would never dream of forcing me into anything. I guess I was lucky to find someone as understanding as him, but I've had my share of people who either don't care or don't believe.

He doesn't like talking about it, understandably. It's not exactly pleasant for me either. But every so often I have to talk about it because it's on my mind, and he sits there and holds me when I cry, and just listens. He's a very calm, logical person, and it takes a lot to anger him. One of the few times I've seen/heard him angry is when I first told him. And he is still occasionally angry about it, and has frequently said if he ever saw my abuser he'd probably lose it, but has never reacted negatively to my past. He's been nothing but supportive.

I had a similar kind of thing with who I now call my best friend. I met her when I started university, which was when my flashbacks/panic attacks were resurfacing after being reasonably dormant during my gap year. I was having a lot of difficulty and told her that I had these difficulties (I was undiagnosed at this point) and she sat and she listened. She was absolutely lovely and it brought us a whole lot closer. When we're in class, or the library or having lunch and something triggers me, she recognises my reaction and makes sure I'm okay. The following year I decided to get university counselling because it was interfering with work. She went to the appointment with me, waited outside for an hour, then took me for another hot chocolate and just listened to me talk and cry. She always texts me if I don't turn up to class, understands if I'm in a less-than-ideal mood or if I don't want to do anything. Unfortunately outside of term time we live at opposite ends of the country and our contact is rather limited, but I know she'll be there for me day or night if I needed her. She has been utterly invaluable to me and writing this now I realise I don't tell her that enough.

And those are the reactions from my only two supporters. I've been lucky, I realise that.