How do you stop doing the "would have could have should have" sort of stuff to yourself?

[SeedMan]

It's an ongoing daily effort of intentional redirection as my brain is wired for what-ifness and I often should on myself. This song helps me shift my focus to now o'clock and gets it out of the woulda shoulda coulda neighborhood:

Thank you for sharing this great song. I SO needed to hear it right now. Namaste, y'all!

 

[ms spock]

I really relate. I battle against this stuff so much, it paralyses me at times, but I am coming out the other side.

Things I use to manage this:
Kristin Neff's website on Self Compassion with free audio to use and download. Self-Compassion Please note that when I started self compassion it brought up so much stuff for me. You will need proper support to do this. Be very mindful of this Tips for practice - Self-Compassion You can watch her on YouTube.

I also use the Instant Mindfulness Instant Mindfulness on the DBT Self Help website. You can watch Marsha Linehan on YouTube.

and get a copy from your local library of the David Burns' book "Feeling Good" it is really that good, it is not easy to do but it can be life changing. Feeling Good | The website of David D. Burns, MD You owe it to yourself to Feel Good! You can watch him on YouTube.

The Woebot app is cute and it helps you work through cognitive distortions, like the could have would have should have stuff.

I exercise almost every morning in order to get the stress and cortisol out of my system.

I work on social connectedness so I have superficial but positive interactions with people.

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Living in the 70s thanks for the recommendations. I got the woebot app and I agree with what you said haha.

--

My pdoc has been helping me with these cognitive distortions and stuff. The thing I'm presently working on in EMDR has to do with some of them - it's a childhood physical abuse memory, though a lot of other memories keep bleeding into it when I try reprocessing.

I know I have a loooottttt of work to do though :/

I've barely even scratched the surface of my childhood trauma, in therapy - this is the first memory that I'm focusing on that's been from my childhood, rather than my adulthood.

I keep getting stuck on the whole "why did this happen? why did she do this?" aspect of things - and I keep getting stuck on "I am f*cked up forever" - "I am not deserving of love, attention, appreciation, compliments, admiration" etc.

There is no answer for the "why did she do that?" other than - she was incapable of anything else. Incapable of actually loving, incapable of being anything but selfish, and angry, explosive, violent, etc.

 

[ms spock]

@Living in the 70s thanks for the recommendations. I got the woebot app and I agree with what you said haha.

--

:)

It sounds like you are working on it all. It just takes time.

 

[blackemerald1]

I keep getting stuck on the whole "why did this happen? why did she do this?" aspect of things - and I keep getting stuck on "I am f*cked up forever" - "I am not deserving of love, attention, appreciation, compliments, admiration" etc.

There is no answer for the "why did she do that?"

^^So is this the battle going on between the rational, thoughtful part and the emotional, feeling part?

 

[Sweetleaf]

^^So is this the battle going on between the rational, thoughtful part and the emotional, feeling part?

It would seem so - but it's shifting away from the why.
I kinda feel lost and confused in regards to the childhood trauma. I don't know how to obtain my EMDR goals with the specific memory I'm working on. Being slapped to the ground, hit over and over and over and over, each hit coming with a "devils come out!" by my mother.

A lot of other memories blend into it. The feeling of being choked, as a little kid, by an electric car window. With my mother rolling it up. When that surfaced during EMDR, I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was choking, all over again.

But I don't know how to arrive at my goals - "I am worthy of love" and "I am not screwed up"

I keep just, getting stuck thinking of all these interconnected memories. Her yelling - not even any specific instance, just, all the yelling. Me feeling intense fear every time I approached her for something - because almost every single time, she'd yell at me for disturbing her. The conflicted feelings. Ugh. I hate it. I just want to get this shit over with.

I know I have a bunch of trauma from my adulthood to deal with, and the anniversaries of the worst things are approaching. I know that stuff getting brought up, makes my symptoms skyrocket. But it's like I'm stuck on this childhood stuff for right now, it's like I'm stuck in a tar pit. Confused, lost, not sure what to feel, what I'm feeling, worried about whether it'll even work. I feel like there are a lot of "feeder" memories, if that makes sense - a lot of feeder memories into the feeling that I'm screwed up forever, that I f*ck everything up - "forever" and "everything" are both absolutes. But I don't know how to shift off of those.

 

[Ronin]

I know I have a bunch of trauma from my adulthood to deal with, and the anniversaries of the worst things are approaching.

... comfoort.
For the child you, and grounding the adult you in the now, too.

I mean, just from the logistic side of it, not sure I would go into anything deeper, in the light of that. You are already overwhelmed, things spill one into the other, stressful time is anticipated and approaching, feelings are difficult... I would really look for what is comfort. For all ages you.

 

[Kaleidoscope]

I wrote the following song after a conversation with a friend who taught kindergarten...we were talking about her frustration and the sadness of having to send some of the children she taught back into their homes...
The song is about our conversation and describes who I am, my outlook on life and my hopes.
I will not give up. I am tenacious and persistent...and I have very good people in my life.
I'm glad that I am on this forum...it’s helping me to be “real”, for I’ve been on an exhausting quest to create my happy ending. I have kept waiting, (working hard at healing in therapy)...to “get over ‘it’”, “let it go”. I am now in the process of realization and acceptance that life is still hard at times, difficult reminders may still come into my awareness at times, I am safe and life can be amazingly beautiful.
Sincerely, “Kaleidoscope”


Hold Onto Your Dreams

Words and Music By Dawn 1988
I shared with a friend, how I’d like to be tough!
Be more of a realist, feel less pain when life’s rough.
For I’m an idealist. I see how I’d love…
Life to be gentle… Dispense, with the shove!

And then she said, “Friend, hold onto your dream!”
You must never loose sight of what this life could be.
We need those like you, to keep our hopes high.
You can stay on the ground and still reach for the sky.


But how does a bird sing, when the cat grabs her young?
How does she fly free when the last song is sung?
When a soft heart is broken and you can’t find the sun…
How do you hang on when life feels like a ton?


And then she said, “Friend, hold onto your dream!”
You must never loose sight of what this life may be.
We need those like you, to keep our hopes high.
You can stay on the ground and still reach for the sky.

Shall I start a new song?
Of what this life could be?
With the help of my friends, start a new harmony!
Yes! I think that’s the answer!
I’ll hold onto my dream!
For I’ll never again, see life, as I have seen…


And then she said, “Yes…
“Hold onto your dream.”
“You must never loose sight of what this life could be.”
You can start a new song and then sing it to me!
And I’ll join you in singing your new harmony!”

Yes! Start a new song and then sing it to me…
And I’ll join you in singing your new harmony…

 

[Sweetleaf]

Know what sucks?

I've gotten over some of the "should have"s, but swiftly they were replaced by more - even worse ones.

Does it ever end? Lol

 

[Freida]

I've gotten over some of the "should have"s, but swiftly they were replaced by more - even worse ones.

I Love it when you get there first so I can say......yep me too ..and have it feel a bit more normal :laugh:

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Freida lol likewise. It helps me feel more normal to see you saying "yep me too"

 

[blackemerald1]

Does it ever end? Lol

^^Not for a long time unfortunately @Sweetleaf - and I add my name to the list. I'm in the trenches too.

I feel like I might get a sudden glimmer of relief and as you say.... another bubbles up and announces they need resolving too - oh no!

Keep your head up.. we will keep you company :hug: :)