How do you stop doing the "would have could have should have" sort of stuff to yourself?

[Empty Shell]

I can't stop thinking about how horribly my life went, how I should have done x y z things at x y z points... I've worked on a lot of trauma and made a lot of progress but... I can't help but look back and go "holy f*ck I seriously f*cked up. If I had just handled this one little thing differently..." so on and so forth, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, whatever friggin fancy Latin phrase you wanna insert.

I'd prefer to stay positive though, it's kinda pissing me off that I'm having these thoughts, too.

I wish I could just go "f*ck it all" and just be like, "ahh whatever" at my past. I wish I could sit here and go "hey holy shit I'm f*cking alive who gives a f*ck how much I f*cked up, I should be dead several times over by now" and f*cking -appreciate it-... appreciate that I am even f*ckin' writing this. I wish I could be like "hey, 2nd chance at life, forget the past was even there, just, start over, you got a reset button, just recharge and go back at it"

But it's not as easy as just wishing.

I'm having a hard time not thinking about the trauma, but now instead of the very panicky moments, the weapons stuff, the gun stuff, I'm thinking about the other aspects of the traumas. I'm also thinking about the rape a lot, the shame, the guilt, the disgust, so on.

I keep thinking about how I shouldn't have let any of that happen, how I could have prevented it, even with the whole "lol hindsight is 20/20" thing, which I say all the time haha... even with that, I'm like, really being down on myself and feeling like I f*cked up my life really bad.

I don't even know what words to put into it. A lot of self-negativity, with a hint of anger at the people who did this to me. But mostly just self-negativity, feeling like I f*cked up, feeling like I missed out on so much shit, feeling like my life could have been f*cking awesome by now but instead I ruined it.

Feeling like I just ruin everything - I think that's something related to my childhood trauma. My mom basically, my whole life, has gone right to me as the family scapegoat. I was always guilty until proven innocent, at which point I get a scolding to make sure I don't do whatever it is she was blaming me for and... yeah just, horrible f*cking mother. No love for me as far as I am concerned, in regards to the definition of the word "love" in my head.

My mom has always had no confidence in me, or my decisions - I guess writing this all out has helped me kinda maybe pinpoint some of the source of these sorts of thoughts. Having it beaten into me as a kid, and having a f*cking dickwad of a mother.

But anyway...


What do I do to stop having all these thoughts of regret? These feelings of loss? What can I do about this shit I typed about?

Anyone relate? Any pointers?

I don't have any pointers, but thank you for your post. I'm still in a state of shock. In January I looked up PTSD and I literally have been verbalizing every symptom for years, 40+. Over 4 decades of my life spent trying to "FIX ME". I'm not fixed. I'm at a point of anger and rage that I've experienced over the years....my whole life. It was destroyed when I was 5. I was taught what to do, how to drink, keep secrets, get rewarded, what to expect in life, you know? I was taught how to behave. I was trained. I thought everyone ran their life like I was running mine! I have been in a pattern of fight-or-flight since my first memory in life. It was years of abuse of all kinds.

I don't know how to deal with the loss and sadness, anger, regret, rage. All these years of seeing counselors, psychologists, therapists of all kinds, self-help groups, shrinks, dime-a-dozen nursing interns. All those visits. Constant counseling to fix me, and NO ONE ever asked me, "What happened to you?" All these years, all those meds, groups, AA (without success in 30 years), all that money. Money, money, money, and I've been treated for Depression, anxiety, panic, finally bi-polar disorder which I took meds for about 20 years. Still broken.

However, I did share a lot of my childhood with these 'experts', someone should have been clued in. Seriously! My anger that I don't even remember!? That's crazy. PTSD showed up one day on my chart 20 years ago - AND NO ONE EVER ADDRESSED IT. Not one single time. Why didn't I is not even a question that anyone who knows me would ask me. I just go along....trusting, relying on, whatever happens pretty much.

I guess what I'm saying is that I could have had a chance at a few happy years. Waves hit me all day long, and I sob continuously. I'm no longer a drunk. Now that I know why I was a drunk, I can let it go. But the anger that lingers, comes and goes all day long....I'm exhausted. Being a drunk is the past, but trying to find someone who can help you navigate the waters of this ocean of feelings that have been stuffed for 57 years!

I don't mean to rage on, and go on about ME, but I do want to tell you I'm grateful this site is here. There's no one out there to help anymore.

 

[lynn T.]

I can't stop thinking about how horribly my life went, how I should have done x y z things at x y z points... I've worked on a lot of trauma and made a lot of progress but... I can't help but look back and go "holy f*ck I seriously f*cked up. If I had just handled this one little thing differently..." so on and so forth, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, whatever friggin fancy Latin phrase you wanna insert.

I'd prefer to stay positive though, it's kinda pissing me off that I'm having these thoughts, too.

I wish I could just go "f*ck it all" and just be like, "ahh whatever" at my past. I wish I could sit here and go "hey holy shit I'm f*cking alive who gives a f*ck how much I f*cked up, I should be dead several times over by now" and f*cking -appreciate it-... appreciate that I am even f*ckin' writing this. I wish I could be like "hey, 2nd chance at life, forget the past was even there, just, start over, you got a reset button, just recharge and go back at it"

But it's not as easy as just wishing.

I'm having a hard time not thinking about the trauma, but now instead of the very panicky moments, the weapons stuff, the gun stuff, I'm thinking about the other aspects of the traumas. I'm also thinking about the rape a lot, the shame, the guilt, the disgust, so on.

I keep thinking about how I shouldn't have let any of that happen, how I could have prevented it, even with the whole "lol hindsight is 20/20" thing, which I say all the time haha... even with that, I'm like, really being down on myself and feeling like I f*cked up my life really bad.

I don't even know what words to put into it. A lot of self-negativity, with a hint of anger at the people who did this to me. But mostly just self-negativity, feeling like I f*cked up, feeling like I missed out on so much shit, feeling like my life could have been f*cking awesome by now but instead I ruined it.

Feeling like I just ruin everything - I think that's something related to my childhood trauma. My mom basically, my whole life, has gone right to me as the family scapegoat. I was always guilty until proven innocent, at which point I get a scolding to make sure I don't do whatever it is she was blaming me for and... yeah just, horrible f*cking mother. No love for me as far as I am concerned, in regards to the definition of the word "love" in my head.

My mom has always had no confidence in me, or my decisions - I guess writing this all out has helped me kinda maybe pinpoint some of the source of these sorts of thoughts. Having it beaten into me as a kid, and having a f*cking dickwad of a mother.

But anyway...


What do I do to stop having all these thoughts of regret? These feelings of loss? What can I do about this shit I typed about?

Anyone relate? Any pointers?

Well, I am old by some standards, 67, and wasted lots of time and energy on regret and all the thought I coulda done better or that I did not handle a situation well. I had a wise person tell me to knock off the "couldas and shouldas" because it truly does take away your time from healing in the PRESENT day. I feel if we focus on the regret or the remorse or shame or guilt that it's totally counterproductive to what's going on today that really needs our attention to get better. You know, we each have limited energy every day. If it's spent, it's gone. In other words, we cannot regain an hour or day in which we felt we focused on the past too much and maybe neglected our current needs for food, rest, whatever else. Being human just necessitates surviving some old wounds and all of us have a relative or friend or business partner who might have inflicted a great deal of harm on us. It's tragic, truly. what some people have endured in this life. But, I hope you might release yourself from others' opinions of you right now because your approval of yourself shouldn't rest with them but rather your own self-assessment. We need a lot of self-forgiveness and even more self-recognition for things such as accomplishments in the face of severe traumas at times.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Well, I am old by some standards, 67, and wasted lots of time and energy on regret and all the thought I coulda done better or that I did not handle a situation well. I had a wise person tell me to knock off the "couldas and shouldas" because it truly does take away your time from healing in the PRESENT day. I feel if we focus on the regret or the remorse or shame or guilt that it's totally counterproductive to what's going on today that really needs our attention to get better. You know, we each have limited energy every day. If it's spent, it's gone. In other words, we cannot regain an hour or day in which we felt we focused on the past too much and maybe neglected our current needs for food, rest, whatever else. Being human just necessitates surviving some old wounds and all of us have a relative or friend or business partner who might have inflicted a great deal of harm on us. It's tragic, truly. what some people have endured in this life. But, I hope you might release yourself from others' opinions of you right now because your approval of yourself shouldn't rest with them but rather your own self-assessment. We need a lot of self-forgiveness and even more self-recognition for things such as accomplishments in the face of severe traumas at times.

You're totally right - staying in the present, focusing on the present, is paramount. Grounding helps a lot with that, and you've shown me another area of life where I need to use my grounding skills. :)

Also the whole "releasing yourself from other peoples opinions" part really strikes a chord with me. There are so many facets of life where -I do not care at all- about what other people think. Yet the whole being disabled thing, the taking so long to recover thing, the judgement some people would have about me, for even getting into this position (blaming me for it)... that all is hard for me to get over and handle.

Funnily enough, in therapy that has sort of been my main goal - or rather related to it. Not caring what my (very abusive) mother thinks. Not caring about her insults, her yelling, everything like that, so on and so forth... not caring about that stuff got achieved! It has been the focus in therapy for quite a while. That and toning down the anxiety and panic I get when I'm around my mom.

But you have made me realize, I need to do the same sort of thing with what I think -everyone- thinks about me - and I need to stay in the present.

I need to remind myself: I'm alive, all that horrible stuff is over, it's not my fault it happened in the first place, and it doesn't matter what other people think of me, or how I compare to their abilities, accomplishments, or place in life.

I also need to remind myself, I am still relatively young. Only 29, about to turn 30. Lots of time left to heal and catch up. My pdoc told me last session (and has said many other times) that I am her among her best patients ever because I am so willing to do anything that could help me, and I work hard to progress in treatment and healing. She says I make her job a lot easier haha. I should appreciate that - but I have such a hard time getting over where I presently am at, compared to my past abilities and those of others my age and with my education/experience.

I should be basing things off of how I am doing given the circumstances of my life - and many people would have been dead by now if they had lived my life. I should appreciate that more, but I have such a hard time with that, and all of this.

Thank you for your input and advice. :)

 

[blackemerald1]

it doesn't matter what other people think of me, or how I compare to their abilities, accomplishments, or place in life.

^^I really do hope you can immerse yourself in this and believe it and keep believing it because I have found it is perilous to compare ourselves to others. There never is a really true comparison going on and it only feeds the inner critic.

 

[lynn T.]

You're totally right - staying in the present, focusing on the present, is paramount. Grounding helps a lot with that, and you've shown me another area of life where I need to use my grounding skills. :)

Also the whole "releasing yourself from other peoples opinions" part really strikes a chord with me. There are so many facets of life where -I do not care at all- about what other people think. Yet the whole being disabled thing, the taking so long to recover thing, the judgement some people would have about me, for even getting into this position (blaming me for it)... that all is hard for me to get over and handle.

Funnily enough, in therapy that has sort of been my main goal - or rather related to it. Not caring what my (very abusive) mother thinks. Not caring about her insults, her yelling, everything like that, so on and so forth... not caring about that stuff got achieved! It has been the focus in therapy for quite a while. That and toning down the anxiety and panic I get when I'm around my mom.

But you have made me realize, I need to do the same sort of thing with what I think -everyone- thinks about me - and I need to stay in the present.

I need to remind myself: I'm alive, all that horrible stuff is over, it's not my fault it happened in the first place, and it doesn't matter what other people think of me, or how I compare to their abilities, accomplishments, or place in life.

I also need to remind myself, I am still relatively young. Only 29, about to turn 30. Lots of time left to heal and catch up. My pdoc told me last session (and has said many other times) that I am her among her best patients ever because I am so willing to do anything that could help me, and I work hard to progress in treatment and healing. She says I make her job a lot easier haha. I should appreciate that - but I have such a hard time getting over where I presently am at, compared to my past abilities and those of others my age and with my education/experience.

I should be basing things off of how I am doing given the circumstances of my life - and many people would have been dead by now if they had lived my life. I should appreciate that more, but I have such a hard time with that, and all of this.

Thank you for your input and advice. :)

What resonates with your post is that you try so hard! That your therapist or doctors recognize it and say so. It's so easy to resign from life and give up, wondering what someone else thinks of us and basing our self-worth on someone's opinion (which, BTW, can be totally off base, biased, or coming from a place of their own issues that need to be addressed. We can't control who or what they are or say to us. I have an older sister who can be quite emotionally bruising to me and some others in our family and insists on 'meddling' in my affairs as it apparently keeps her entertained in some odd way or makes her feel in control of me. I recently reminded her of our age and the fact I need no meddling as I have done OK considering eveything. I told her it'd be best if she looked towards her own issues as she has never dealt with some serious issues of temper and alcohol use for decades now. No contact is hard to do but for me, part of my recovery not to be exposed to this kind of thing.

 

[Empty Shell]

I get it. I regret just about every single thing I did and didn't do. I did things out of fight-or-flight decisions or fear of doing something I'm unfamiliar with. This is getting worse for me as years go by. I'm in a panic right now and have been for several days. Just figured out, it's the holidays and my birthday. The regrets hit me extra hard this time of year. Thanks for posting this.

 

[Mach123]

I found I couldn't make any of these great suggestions work and I didn't know why. It goes back (for me) to my first real trauma therapy session and Linda rolling the chair over to me and pointing and asking "Where do you feel that in your body?" After a few tries she said "You can't feel your feelings you're all up in your head." I had no idea what she meant. It's about five years and three therapists later. I think I just started getting it in the last few weeks. I could only think about it all. I couldn't feel any of it. I thought I could though.

The therapist said I was a shadow person or I had one or something. I don't know what happened. She's been saying that using different language for years . I just reached it in my feelings somehow recently. I'm working with that. I saw how I felt about a particular thing. I didn't know that was what a feeling looked like or felt I guess.

So I knew I couldn't do anything about it (all of it) but the pain of it was overwhelming and unbearable and I couldn't stop going over it. (all of it) It didn't matter that I knew it. Now I know that pain is my feelings from the trauma. The stuff I couldn't let myself feel because it was so terrible I blocked it off or separated it out or disassociated it.

Now I think about a thing and I try to apply those feelings (feel that pain) and I think, "that's wrong, those feelings are about something else." I think I had to see what a feeling was first. Or identify one?

IDK, good thread.