How Does Love For A Parent Feel?

[freakofnurture]

This is really timely for me, cuz I need to move through these.

I hope this thread is useful for you.
Hey, can I ask you a question? You seem to imply that your dad was a 'violent and abusive' person. Can I ask you something about his death? Here or via PM? I don't want to just do it since you seem so stressed about the topic :)

Ok - sorry but don't know how to remove it now

It's no problem, I was just thinking about the feedback you're missing, having posted it here instead of the [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/a-letter-to-my-your-mother.16031/"]appropriate thread.[/DLMURL]

 

[Philippa]

For me, it was always the impulse to hug, and my mother always hugged us, and told us she loved us. Every day I heard this while I was growing, from her.

From my father, it was cold rejection of hugs or kisses or any form of physical touching. He HATED all that, and there are numerous photos of us as kids with dad, trying to hug him, and he looked distinctly disgusted, rigid and totally uncomfortable and like the experience was unpleasant for him. he never let us kiss him, but it was so strange to see him allow the family dog to lick his face and he would kiss the dog back too. The dog helped him, I believe that, but it was seriously like he loved the dog more than he did us.

If it hadn't have been for my mother, I would have developed into a very different person. I would not be the warm person that I am today, who loves touch and affection, (but only with people I feel comfortable with of course) I'll always be grateful to her for the warmth and physical affection she gave us without reserve. She used to be very different to how she is today. I believe my father eroded her sense of self-esteem and dignity right down until she was someone totally different to who I remembered as a kid.

Both of them are not good for me to be around now, but my mother wasn't always this way.

To this day, if I am in a relationship that does not include hugging and affection, I think the person does not love me. It was quite confusing for me, and for a very long time I did not think my father loved me, because my mother spent the majority of time with me and my brothers, while dad worked, and we were so used to receiving warmth and physical affection, that when I did see dad, and he wouldn't hug me, I interpretted it as meaning he didn't love me, when really it was all to do with his own issues, that had nothing to do with me.

He didn't ever experience love from his parents, I don't think. His mother was nasty to him and his older brother was put on a pedestal, while he was neglected by both parents for most of his life, despite having become a rather successful business man and lived a pretty interesting life, in comparison to his brother, who lived a mediocre life and didn't ever travel or make anything of himself.

I associate love with hugs and warm, physical affection...though I have noticed that I hesitate with males that I have not known for long who attempt to be affectionate and cuddle me. This is how it felt for me to love my parents.

I'm not sure now, as I have had times where I hated them so much and honestly no longer loved my mother, when I was really messed up. I didn't think about them for years, even when I was seeing them, it was like a dream, or rather a nightmare, I hadn't woken up from yet

 

[Powder]

For me it's complicated. When I hug my parents, I am the adult comforting them. I'm not sure how I know how because I am not able to remember any times when they hugged and comforted me. I'm guessing it must have occured, maybe from my grandma?

When my Mom hugs me, I either humor her or pull away, because I feel like it's more for her than for me. Then, if I pull away, I feel guilty, even though I know she created this dicotomy, not me, because I was the kid born into their world, the family they set up. Kinda like saying "You started it!" But I don't want this holding me back.

So nowadays, I consider "I got what I got, I turned out okay," and I'm proud of me and my choices. So I do hug them, forgive them, and remind myself they could die any day. Since my Dad almost died, it's shown me that I can make the best of what I have.

My parents love me but they were very selfish and into their own problems during my childhood. I always knew they thought they were doing a good job of parenting, but they saw it as a part time job and we were basically on the periphery of their lives. Now they are middle aged, they are marginally aware (especially Dad, since his near death experiences) of their mistakes. Dad has actually apologized out of the blue for his part in our unhappiness. He was raised in an all-male, harsh, abusive situation. He tried to do that upbringing justice with his daughters. Now he regrets it, but he is still the same man, with some tweeks. Ever since I was little, I could sense he was "damaged/fragile" and same with Mom, although, she seemed more of a Dr. J/Mr. Hyde. So I have a more difficult time forgiving her.

There are times I feel sort of positive about them, times I feel anger and frustration. I am working through some of it in T.

Like your post, I am aware that lots of kids enjoy(ed) a much more uncomplicated and warm, fuzzy love that not only didn't cost them much emotionally, but actually paid dividends. I am actually really happy about that. No one deserves to be abused or neglected.

My T. has to keep reminding me that not everyone got what I did. Not every kid grows up in a thick fog of fear and uncertainty and secrecy. You know what, "Good!" And I hope my two kids fall into that category, because that is my purpose.

 

[Teller]

This is an interesting topic. I have been wondering the same thing.

Since I was a kid, I have felt detached and squimish of the suggestion of bonding with my parents. It could be as Nicolette summerized: wanting to avoid pain. My parents are good people, they just have issues. I actually find it strange and at time, uncomfortable when I have friends who are very close to their folks.

A few of my friends families have taken me in emotionally as an "adopted daughter". It feels warm and kind when I am arounf these "adoptive" parents. Though, when I take a step back, I realize that such warmth and free affection without secrecy and insecurity attached, feels forgein to me. It is the feeling of an outsider, not entirely, but enough to know I do not rightfully belong. There is also a sad tension with my friends parents who help me out and grow fond of me, I know they really do love me as their own, but at the same time, we both know I have real parents and so the relationship may overstep bounds. I can also tell they are uneasy and saddened though they know no detail of why, but that I am detached and neglected by my real parents. It was very conflicting.

Now that I am an adult, still young though, that the former tensions with maternal and paternal kindness to me have been disolving. Though I no longer need parents, the boundaries of level of appriopriateness aren't there anymore for my "adopters" because I am on my own now. There is no feeling of potential disrespect of my real folks. And now that I am grown, we realize that my relationship to these people is not one seeking to fill a void and is something else enriching entirely.

To summerize: real parents make me feel uneasy, guilty, alone, and detached (though they try to help) so I avoid contact. "Adoptive" family makes me feel likeI have moved on and chosen my own path with acknowledgement to my past, not discrediting it. In most ways, I feel I am beyond the emotional need of my parents (in any form) but welcome kindness still. There is a part of me which feels obligated to meet my real parents desire to stay involved in my life, but I am trying to get past such guilt becquse I do not think I am at a good enough place to handle that burden. If I were in a good place, I imagine a relationship with my parents would be okay, maybe even enjoyable at times.

Sorry to ramble but hope it helps.

 

[Pippi]

I didn't speak to my father for six years. I decided to get back in touch with him four years ago because the thought of him dying without knowing that I love and forgive him made me feel sick to my stomach. Since we reunited, I have had much the same experience as allitherapy. I recognize that my father is imperfect and has made some terrible mistakes, but he meant well. I feel more empowered now to step away and take a break when I feel like the relationship is overwhelming.

Like Teller, I am the "adopted daughter" of a couple who are very supportive, encouraging, and whose biological children are some of the luckiest people on Earth. Through my relationships with them, I have gained some perspective on my upbringing. It's easier for me to see that my father treated me the way he did not because he didn't love me, but because he is mentally unwell and doesn't know any better.

Loving my mother is easier. She worked hard to take care of us, sacrificed so much so that we would be fed, clothed, and carefree. I would honestly do anything for her. My love for my father comes from compassion, maturity, and forgiveness. I'm not nearly as grateful to him as I am to my mother.