NaeNae75
Platinum Member
I'm seriously going to drive myself crazy. Tomorrow night will be two full weeks since he "broke up" with me again. Every damn time it's so hard to take him seriously. This week was the first week he's been home for it, and I did see him on Thursday. He's already "wavering", but I haven't really pushed him at all either. We still talk fairly regularly.
He's at his parent's house for the weekend, so we shall see what that brings. His parent's are really great people, but haven't bothered to educate themselves at all about his PTSD. He's been avoiding them, because he's been lying to them, but I doubt that will come up. He has been keeping it from them that he has been living with me. When he came home from deployment, he went up there instead of coming home. He was planning on "breaking up" with me then, too. But after spending the weekend there, he called and apologized to me for being that way, that he was just scared.
Hopefully this weekend can be as cathartic, but for some reason, I doubt it. In an email he sent me this time, he brought up stuff we argued about having to do with his family like 3 years ago.... I just hope he doesn't say that stuff to them. Although, his mother will likely squash it. I know that they would want us to either get married or split up, so for some reason, because I know he isn't ready for marriage in this state of mind, the "let her go for her own good" stuff will likely be the topic. They don't believe in people living together, or being a significant other without marriage. (my family has no issue with it) Although, I might not get brought up at all....he might avoid it altogether because he feels guilty about it.
I'm trying to decide what it is I need to do. I love him more than almost anything, but I worry I have spent a lot of time enabling him. Our relationship is pretty status quo, relatively healthy. He is loving and considerate; I'm loving and considerate....but the times he pushes me away are torture. Sometimes I try maybe too hard to figure out why and how and what is going on. I live a fast paced life, so it's hard to turn it down and just "be okay" with everything.
I think when he does this it's a combination of being upset when I'm upset combined with stress and guilt. This is a normal reaction to me having any type of rough patch in my life....and me putting my foot down about keeping promises. So at this point, I wonder if I've taught him that it's okay not to keep promises to me, because if he leaves....it's like pressing the do over button, or something. I need to stop doing this. I want my best friend and lover back....but I need to be important too.
He really is very good to me, most of the time...I just don't understand why it's so hard for him to see any of the good right now... It really sets off my own anxiety about always being wrong, or not good enough. I've always had this duality of good self esteem/terrible self esteem all in one. I am afraid of being perceived as a failure. I'll work myself to death to avoid looking "bad" to someone. I am the kind of person that will give until I bleed. I just hate to think that he doesn't see how much I love him, and would do for him. It hurts to think my sacrifices don't mean anything. But, I know the reality is, his perception is very much askew right now.
It's fairly easy for me to "help him back" home by being patient and kind and loving. By making it "easy" for him. But I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do any more. I don't want to play "hardball" or "tough love", but maybe I need to. I'm afraid that if I do, he will feel worse, and be gone longer. When he's home, our relationship is not one sided. We definitely do for each other. I worry the longer he's gone, the harder it is on the kids too.
I really need to take inventory of what I really want, I guess. I have figured out that until he stays in treatment regularly, there is NO chance of him following through with our marriage plans. He promised me 3 weeks ago he wasn't going anywhere and was committed to me and our relationship, then BAM 2 weeks ago decides to run away again. It makes literally NO SENSE at all! I need to figure out how much a priority getting married is to me.
I need to really look at everything I want....and decide if it's feasible or not. I don't need everything, but I should have some of the things I want. I don't even know what that is anymore. I'm not even sure how to figure that out. Seriously, where do you start? I don't even know where to begin to figure out how I really feel or what I really want. Does anyone have any suggestions?
He's at his parent's house for the weekend, so we shall see what that brings. His parent's are really great people, but haven't bothered to educate themselves at all about his PTSD. He's been avoiding them, because he's been lying to them, but I doubt that will come up. He has been keeping it from them that he has been living with me. When he came home from deployment, he went up there instead of coming home. He was planning on "breaking up" with me then, too. But after spending the weekend there, he called and apologized to me for being that way, that he was just scared.
Hopefully this weekend can be as cathartic, but for some reason, I doubt it. In an email he sent me this time, he brought up stuff we argued about having to do with his family like 3 years ago.... I just hope he doesn't say that stuff to them. Although, his mother will likely squash it. I know that they would want us to either get married or split up, so for some reason, because I know he isn't ready for marriage in this state of mind, the "let her go for her own good" stuff will likely be the topic. They don't believe in people living together, or being a significant other without marriage. (my family has no issue with it) Although, I might not get brought up at all....he might avoid it altogether because he feels guilty about it.
I'm trying to decide what it is I need to do. I love him more than almost anything, but I worry I have spent a lot of time enabling him. Our relationship is pretty status quo, relatively healthy. He is loving and considerate; I'm loving and considerate....but the times he pushes me away are torture. Sometimes I try maybe too hard to figure out why and how and what is going on. I live a fast paced life, so it's hard to turn it down and just "be okay" with everything.
I think when he does this it's a combination of being upset when I'm upset combined with stress and guilt. This is a normal reaction to me having any type of rough patch in my life....and me putting my foot down about keeping promises. So at this point, I wonder if I've taught him that it's okay not to keep promises to me, because if he leaves....it's like pressing the do over button, or something. I need to stop doing this. I want my best friend and lover back....but I need to be important too.
He really is very good to me, most of the time...I just don't understand why it's so hard for him to see any of the good right now... It really sets off my own anxiety about always being wrong, or not good enough. I've always had this duality of good self esteem/terrible self esteem all in one. I am afraid of being perceived as a failure. I'll work myself to death to avoid looking "bad" to someone. I am the kind of person that will give until I bleed. I just hate to think that he doesn't see how much I love him, and would do for him. It hurts to think my sacrifices don't mean anything. But, I know the reality is, his perception is very much askew right now.
It's fairly easy for me to "help him back" home by being patient and kind and loving. By making it "easy" for him. But I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do any more. I don't want to play "hardball" or "tough love", but maybe I need to. I'm afraid that if I do, he will feel worse, and be gone longer. When he's home, our relationship is not one sided. We definitely do for each other. I worry the longer he's gone, the harder it is on the kids too.
I really need to take inventory of what I really want, I guess. I have figured out that until he stays in treatment regularly, there is NO chance of him following through with our marriage plans. He promised me 3 weeks ago he wasn't going anywhere and was committed to me and our relationship, then BAM 2 weeks ago decides to run away again. It makes literally NO SENSE at all! I need to figure out how much a priority getting married is to me.
I need to really look at everything I want....and decide if it's feasible or not. I don't need everything, but I should have some of the things I want. I don't even know what that is anymore. I'm not even sure how to figure that out. Seriously, where do you start? I don't even know where to begin to figure out how I really feel or what I really want. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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