How Good Are You At Pretending You Don't Have Ptsd?

[bitterfight_]

Should've read through more of this, as there's sooo much to learn from all of you, and I'm so glad I'm not the only one.

it's also what people expect of me, especially my family, and when I'm not that way, they get all ticked off at me like I'm faking having a problem!!

I feel this way too often, although unfortunately for me it's a way to "protect" them from the extent of it I guess. My mom blames herself (she thinks by "raising me tougher" it could've prevented some of my trauma - really frustrating), and my dad doesn't know how to handle my mood swings because of it. At the same time, when they don't understand why I'm angry or depressed or anxious, it's really frustrating because they'll ask questions that aren't easily answered because they wonder why I can't just let it go. It's so frustrating.

The message I get from others is that I'm making it up, or being dramatic if I'm upset, depressed or frightened

I feel that way a lot too, but I try to remind myself that there are others (like us on here) that understand you're not being dramatic or whatever. Just remember - your feelings are valid. Feelings are just feelings, and you're allowed to feel them, no matter how absurd they seem to others (and even to yourself sometimes).

in a way, putting on a happy face feels like I'm protecting myself, weird huh

Definitely not weird. My T laughs because each time I come into her office and I've had a shitty week, I say "I'm fine" and try to deflect the pain with a smile and a happy face, and then has said I often try to cover up how much I'm suffering so I don't feel like I'm unloading all my problems on others. I don't know if this is what you do, but it makes sense to me why I'd do this. It protects me from feeling the full extent of my own pain.

I think we all learn to hide at times. It is such a shame there is stigma regarding mental illness and we feel we have to do this to 'fit in' or be 'normal'.

There's such truth to this it's scary. I had a hard time recently where I had to tell a professional (other than my T or GP) that I have PTSD and it's hard because (I don't know about any of you) but I get what I call the "pity eyes" where they almost look like they feel bad for you, and I hate it. PTSD is hard, yes, and suffering sucks, yes, but it makes me sick when people look at me with pity. I'm still here, and I've survived a hell of a lot, we all have on this website, and the stigma behind PTSD (I find) is that people look at me (when they find out) like I'm *damaged goods*. Bit of a long rant there, sorry, but AGH.

I'm scared even to let those closest to me see. I don't want to divulge the full extent of my PTSD to my loved ones for fear of losing even an ounce of their love.

I said this in the above (first or second) paragraph here hahaha wow, thank GOD I'm not the only one doing this!!

I read a quote that said 'its easier to smile than explain why you're sad

I agree with this.

 

[saoirserylyn]

I should be a professional actor with the way I've learned to "fake it," both consciously and subconsciously. Sometimes lately I don't even realize that I am doing it.

At first I thought of it as protecting other people in my environment. I'd constantly tell myself, "this isn't their burden to bare." Through therapy I learned the necessity of letting other people in. I struggled for a long time (and often still do) to be honest to the people I'm around about how I'm feeling. I oftentimes shrug things off for fear that they'll blame my reaction on my PTSD.

It has become a double edged sword. Those who know, I'm afraid they'll think every time I'm upset it's the PTSD talking and not take me seriously. Those who do not know, I'm afraid of them finding out at an inappropriate time because I lash out.

 

[Jaimer]

Too good honestly, so good at it that it's probably made everything worse. All of my childhood spent pretending that I don't exist, I don't feel, and that I'm not scared by mom & dad even after the abuse stopped, for years. While the abuse was happening it was a survival mechanism, but after it's why I don't remember much of it and can't figure out what all my triggers are or why they're triggers. I can't pretend to be neurotypical or well adjusted for more than 2 hours before being completely exhausted unless I'm drunk. And that is a personal no-no until I make considerably more progress because my dad drank to self medicate his undiagnosed bipolar disorder and his drinking plus ptsd after being deployed was even more terrifying. I'm not playing Russian roulette with my brain and genes.

 

[Zef]

I identify so much with almost every post. I don't think anyone who doesn't have PTSD can imagine just how exhausting it is to fake it all day. My wife is an awesome and caring supporter, but even she has a hard time understanding the exhaustion. Who can blame her, it doesn't even make sense to me.

 

[Jaimer]

I think it's a lot like being under water and trying to breathe through a straw.

 

[tillybee]

It's comforting you all agree but it's soooo wrong!!! We should be allowed to live and be who we are! Does anyone think part of the illness is from hiding? Or made worse due to hiding? Xxx

 

[greenleaf]

@tillybee, it would indeed be excellent if we didn't (feel a) need to hide. My sense is that the relationship of hiding to ptsd is different though; it doesn't seem to me that these problems/illness are from the hiding, but from the needing to hide. (Or the feeling like we need to hide.)

Unfortunately human societies are often very unsafe for trauma survivors on lots of levels; certain groups of people are more or less considered to blame for certain crimes committed against them in many societies, for instance. Hiding is very smart in such circumstances, but does have a big price as folks are saying here.

For me, hiding my reactions was part of staying safe from an abuser who would use them against me. Feeling safe in showing reactions of various types is the opposite of that; one can work to find and create larger areas of safety in life, but the world is never going to be completely safe in lots of respects - so making this response more flexible and not "on" all the time, seems the way to approach this, for me. I think that's a standard thing therapists try to get us able to do...

It's possible that some of us wouldn't have ptsd at all if we hadn't needed to hide in some way - that might have meant we'd had good support at the time of the trauma, and I think that's correlated with not developing ptsd from a trauma. So, how does one define "good support"? That could have a lot of parts to it and depend upon the person.

 

[NIKI]

I'm a teacher and I have to basically become an actor during the day. When I get home, I get in bed because I'm so exhausted by it all.

I did exactly the same thing when I was teaching. Actor by day then came home and first thing I did was throw myself on the couch and had to have silence for at least an hour.

Many children would tell me I was the nicest teacher in the whole school. They didn't know I was also the teacher that cried herself to sleep at night. I had to become an actor to make it through the work day or I would not have been able to work at all.

 

[bitterfight_]

I think it's a lot like being under water and trying to breathe through a straw.

Holy!!! I just said this the other day!!! Mindblown right now. It really feels like a lot of the days I have a straw in my mouth, and I'm trying to breathe through it, and by the end of the day (when I can reassure myself I'm home and in a safe place) it's like the straw is removed. Ugh PTSD lol.

Generally, I would say I am very good at pretending, but it can be very detrimental to those who are just trying to be supportive and help me out. :(

 

[Leigh925]

I am right there with you. It took me forever it seems like to even let my therapist in on how much I struggle and I don't think even now I have fully dropped the pretense. I have just been doing it way too long...but I am really exhausted and tired of it! It is so helpful though to read these posts because I often feel like I am the only one who does this! Guess not!

 

[Ed Norton]

Very good for a little while, that's why I like to be incommunicado and incognito. Also, video et taceo but that's not germane to the discussion.

 

[Gadgie]

I suppose I must have been good at it over the years, as I never even knew I had it until I was diagnosed a few yeas ago.

Up until then, I just thought I was different to other folk, more moody and short tempered, and suffered long bouts of depression, which the doctor told was tiredness due to stress and over working?