How have your thoughts and actions regarding consent changed?

[EveHarrington]

I’m curious to know how others thoughts, ideas, actions, etc regarding consent have changed over time.

I think this is an interesting topic for everyone, but especially those of us who have experienced sexual abuse as I know that for me, at least, a CSA survivor, that evolving my ideas and behaviors regarding consent have been key in my healing.

The “tea consent” idea that has been floating around for a few years now has helped me as well.

On one side, I am learning how to assert myself and say “no” when I do not want to do something. This is still difficult for me, but is getting better. I am slowly learning that my consent, my honest to god consent, is important in any/all intimate/sexual situations. I used to not believe that my consent mattered, that it was just my “job” to give my partner whatever they wanted.

I have a history of using my sexuality to get guys to like me. I’m not used to being told “no”. But now, I’m better at stopping when told “no”, I stop immediately instead of continuing and hoping the guy gives in, and only listening to the “no” after hearing it 3 or 4 times. (I really didn’t understand the importance of consent and didn’t understand that this behavior was wrong.)

My nephew (18 mo.) is actually teaching me a lot about consent. Of course there are certain ways that I must touch him in caregiving, but I am trying to instil in him the idea that he has rights to his body. I always ask him for kisses and hugs, and never force either on him. I always thank him and tell him I love him. I’m sure there will be times when he doesn’t want to hug his crazy ? aunt Eve, but it will always be his choice.

I think I’ve blabbered on enough! I’m curious as to others have changed their thoughts/behaviors regarding consent.

Please, no raking others over the coals. This isn’t a thread meant to chastise others for past behavior, rather a place where we can post to see how we have grown.

Thanks!

 

[Kubash16]

I’ve definitely changed over the last year in regards to it. I’m like you in that it was always just expected that I do whatever the guy wants and I had no say in it.

I’ve been a little more assertive, but haven’t built up enough self value to completely change that part yet.

But I have several nieces and nephews that I’ve changed my behavior with. We’ve always been one of those families that “respects elders”, in other words kids have no rights and if an elder wants a hug you’ll get spanked for refusing.

I’ve learned so much more and now make sure to ask, not expect, not be upset if they say no, empower them to have autonomy over themselves and how they interact with others. Now convincing my family to change. . . Not going so well.

 

[piratelady]

I’m the same in that I’ve always assumed I should do whatever is asked if me. Consent wasn’t really an issue because I have no worth. I am an object to please whoever asks.

I’m starting to see that’s not the case, but only recently have I started to create boundaries. I’m not great at it yet, I’m guessing it just takes time and a sense of self-with, and probably practice I guess.

 

[somerandomguy]

Consent is still a freaking bear. Of course as a married person a certain amount of consent should be understood between my wife and I, but for the life of me I can't figure out how much or little that is. All I know is that asking about everything every time pisses off my wife, but I have to be high in order to not do that or I get too anxious to continue.

Over the past year I've realized that I can consent or not consent too, which I hadn't realized before. But I am still never sure whether I actually want to consent of not. Usually the only way I can figure it out is to go ahead with sex, and if my body doesn't respond, then I realize that I really didn't want to. Not ideal, especially within a committed relationship, because it's pretty morale-destroying for everyone.

 

[Friday]

All I know is that asking about everything every time pisses off my wife, but I have to be high in order to not do that or I get too anxious to continue.

Have you tried asking without words?

It’s a good judgement practice & grounding activity, too. Start, half pause, gauge their reaction // start half pause, gauge their reaction. There’s a rhythm & flow to it that takes an annoyance or interruption/mood killer and turns it into a flirty seductive game.

 

[somerandomguy]

Have you tried asking without words?

No, how would I do that?

Oh, thanks for the edit above. That sounds pretty nerve wracking. I'd like to try it ... Or maybe it would be more truthful to say I'd like to like to try it.

 

[Friday]

Body language, eye contact, the start of an action without the follow through unless they move into it.

 

[somerandomguy]

I wonder if I could actually do that without freezing up or going back to asking.

 

[Friday]

going back to asking

It IS asking... if that helps.

Like if you’re nibbling on someone’s neck? You usually dont just walk up to them and bite them all Vampire weirdo :D (biggest teeth I could find on the smilee list). You step close to them. You lean in. You brush their face with yours, or trail fingers through hair, tucking it out of the way. You lean in more. Every single one of those actions? The person can step away, or turn, or laugh and wink and say “Not now! Busy! I have to get ready for work!” OR they can be leaning in, and putting their arms around you, or shifting their weight into yours, and saying Yes!.... Or Maaaaaybe, keep doing that and we’ll see.... with their actions, the same way your actions are forming a question.

That’s the whole “continuous yes” part of consent. They ask, you say yes. You ask, they say yes. Dozens to hundreds of times in every sexual encounter. All without words.

 

[blackemerald1]

Wow would that be.. what used to be called foreplay? lol...

 

[Friday]

Wow would that be.. what used to be called foreplay? lol...

LMFAO :roflmao: ... I chose the foreplay piece just because it’s a lot less graphic than later on in the game!

But the synergistic aspect of call/response, each person building off of the other, is one of my favorite parts about sex. No matter where it falls in the double arc (arc leading up to, arc of sex itself). Flirting, seduction, foreplay, full Monty. Games where everybody wins = the only kind I really enjoy playing. Talking without words? Best conversations ever.

One of my favorite quotes of all time... “Aren’t we setting the bar a little low with consent? Shouldn’t we be aiming for enthusiasm???” ...big piece of all of ^^^ that.

 

[somerandomguy]

Yeah, some of wish we could get to enthusiasm. But consent is really all we have a realistic shot at.