How Much Do I Tell Her If She Asks?

[atl22]

My dear, sweet fiancee that has supported me emotionally for years asks me sometimes about what I have seen and experienced. I try to keep it secret and buried away from her. We are so different. I come from a land of killers and she doesn't.

We've been together for 12 years and since we met, 4 of my friends have been shot to death. The last one was a year ago but I did not tell her until about 6 weeks ago when I started to learn how to cope with PTSD. I have not told her about the other three because they were like me, the walking dead. I expected them to die. This last one was not like us and it really has shaken me. I can't get over it. I am finally broken.

Years ago, a different girlfriend kept asking me to share with her what I have experienced. She told me that I was too closed and she felt shut out. After 2 years of this, I finally broke down and told her just one example of my childhood. She had nightmares and told me that I shouldn't have told her. That's my only experience with really sharing.

I want to be open and honest but I can't seem to do it. I don't want to tell her about my other three friends. I want to keep the secrets and spare her the visions that I have in my head. I feel guilty enough that she even has to deal with me and my PTSD. She deserves better.

 

[Ga5bby]

I think you should explain to her the severity and ask her to think about if she really wants to know. Then maybe little bits. Candy coated for the first while. Sounds like she really cares about you. If she wants to know, share as much as you can.

 

[PTSDT]

I agree that she deserves to know if she asks. I do think you should have a meeting with your therapist about it first and figure out how to do this. You and your therapist can discuss options and then invite her to a meeting with you and your therapist together. Then, you both will be in a safe environment. You could also print out the articles here that are for Carers of people with PTSD so she will understand better.

 

[anni]

I'm sorry atl. I keep meaning to mention your profile pic, which I adore. The hands enfolding the bird-it's such a peaceful, comforting thing to see when reading here. I wanted to thank you!

I'm not a Carer, so don't know what they wish to deal with, you know? I know I hate to sort of burden mine, since I feel Good God hasn't he had enough? My trauma doesn't have the dreadfulness yours does, so you'd think it would be easier but it isn't. I just don't wish him to have to know what it was like, since to me it was so unspeakable. When I DO, though, he doesn't find it so at all and just makes me cry because all he does is wish to make the pain go away for me. We've been together a lot of years, too, and this stuff comes out bit by bit, more and more because he isn't hurt at all, like I am, by what's in my head. I finally told him just 6 months ago or so about what I think of as 'The Gun'. ( noone wants to know that one at the moment plus don't wish to speak of it yet ). The information didn't hurt him-he absorbed it and it didn't do anything but give me profound relief, although I don't even know why.

If you just can't because it will shake your core, wait until you're ready but perhaps tell her this. Someone above mentioned discussing things with your T. I trust mine so much, this is generally the first thing I do when at a loss.They seperate the PTSD perspective and the 'real' one, and what we can handle at the time, too. All I can say personally is that my T usually can help me see that I'm the one feeling all this, not my Carer. He just wishes to understand what on earth is going on, so can continue being there for me in the best way he can. He's kind of a peach like that. I'm sure the Carers here will be able to give you a much, much better undertanding than me, so if this hasn't been helpful at least let me admire your profile pic, and feel free to ignore the rest. :)

Take care,

Anni

 

[cherryblossom]

atl,
I understand how hard it is to share your experiences, following a bad experince of sharing. But everyone is different, and your fiance will not react in the same way as your ex girlfirend. However, you know her best. Can you imagine how she will react? Personally, I think you should tell her, since she has asked. Start off with the smaller/easier stuff to guage her reaction. I also believe that 'secrets' eat away at you, and cause more harm in the long term, both to you, her, and your relationship. I think you are just trying to protect your fiance, which I can understand. If I was your fiance, I would want to know everything about you, including any 'bad' parts. So that I fully knew the whole person, and so that I could support you with what ever was going on for you.

Try putting the shoe on the other foot, so to speak. If she had PTSD, and you asked her why, or what was bothering her, I'm sure you'd want a truthful answer. I know you have been together a long time, and it might be hard to explain why you haven't told her sooner, but I'm sure she will be there to support you. As I said secrets, have a habit of coming back to you, and biting even harder the next time around. Take this oportunity to tell your 'secrets', to your fiancee..... for better or worse.....

Good luck

 

[PTSDT]

I still believe your therapist should be involved in this decision and possibly guiding it. You will feel safer and your therapist will help your finance work through any misunderstandings or fears about PTSD.

 

[atl22]

I think the idea of working this through with a therapist is a good one. I will be starting soon and she's waited years so she can wait a little more. And , yes, if something had happened to her I would be going nuts until she told me. I never really put herself in her shoes before when it comes to this because I know what I have seen and I do not want anyone else to have these visions. I don't want them and I've spent twenty years being an obsessive workaholic that can not relax ever because the visions creep back in to my head.

She's such a sweet person and her background is so different than mine. I lived in high-crime neighborhoods with drug dealers, con men, methheads, junkies, crackheads, pimps, prostitutes, thieves, rapists, gangsters, in other words: PREDATORS. By the time I got to school in the morning, I had already seen 6 or 7 crimes. That's is what I am used to. I saw my first trauma at age 7. After that, I put childish things away. Daffy Duck just didn't make sense to me anymore, in fact, it pissed me off that people would try to fool me like that.

She had a childhood and read all the books children read and she played and trusted. I love to hear about that. I didn't want my world invading hers so when my friends were killed, I sucked it up, kept quiet, kept the tears inside, asked her how her day was, went HOME, and buried them. Sometimes, it didn't go so smoothly, we would argue, I would lose it, and she would ask "What the F. is wrong with you?" Now I know. I am not as strong as I thought and my heart is still there, not wrapped by miles of cold stone, impenetrable. It crushes me that my friends are gone. I admit it. Going home to see the helicopters floating above my block breaks my heart. I am not a tough guy. I am weak and collapsing down.

Working with a therapist to slowly reveal my true self, my secret self, the real me that I've kept hidden from her - that is my plan. I have to have faith that she will still love me but I am terrified that she won't.

 

[PTSDT]

This has been my experience in life...not just just surrounding PTSD. If people really care about each other, there is an initial shock when secrets are revealed. There could be discussions about it. And then the initial shock starts lessening over time and they work through it.

From the childhood you've described, I believe she may tell you that you have been very strong in your life and that you are a hero to be alive and to be a hard working man who has changed his own life, but still has to mourn the loss of old friends who didn't change their lives as well as being haunted by those old ghosts.

You were a baby. You were in poverty. Everyone with a heart understands that poverty and dangerous neighborhoods are not choices anyone makes.

PTSD does makes us all feel weak. We just get exhausted from the merry-go-round it keeps us on. I hope you find the best type of therapy for you. You have a long journey, but it could be worth it.

I believe your fiance will be shocked at first, but your therapist will help you know how best to reveal your past to her. And, your fiance can also get her own counseling to work through anything about it that causes her stress.

Your therapy is the first step and everything will wind back and forth until your life is more in your hands than in the hands of PTSD.

 

[atl22]

Dang...as soon as I wrote that, I felt so sick to my stomach that I immediately started drafting and I am not supposed to draw today, just cook and get the house ready for family coming tomorrow. It just felt so good and it pushes everything out of my mind to solve puzzles, think of new variations, and do a little math. I drafted for 10 minutes before I even realized it. Can't draw today. No time. It doesn't feel good at all. Learning new coping tools is not easy.