barefoot
MyPTSD Pro
In therapy I’m currently working on trying to ‘connect with’ what my therapist calls ‘a split off part that carries the trauma.’ (ETA I don’t have DID)
When I was about 12, I had a traumatic experience involving a doctor. I dissociated. So, this is about me trying to connect with - and, ultimately, integrate with - this part that feels like it’s still somehow just sort of stuck there in the doctor’s room from 30 years ago.
It feels like we’re onto something significant. And T keeps saying this is a breakthrough and we’re at a crucial point and this is what we’ve been working towards for all these years etc etc.
BUT - I don’t know what I’m doing!
I’ve written some things. And the writing feels ok, good even…I get quite absorbed, it feels like I tap into important things…
But I’m also very aware that, while my real experiences are part of these written experiences, they are ultimately works of my imagination.
T suggested sitting quietly/meditating every day and doing two things:
- gently telling the split off part that I am here for her (or that we are here, if I want to include T)
- asking her if there’s anything she wants to say/tell me. And then waiting and listening…
I know I feel a lot of resistance to this exercise. It feels silly. I feel silly. I feel rattled just thinking about it.
Talking with T about the writing feels ok because I’m talking about a story and ‘she’ is a character in the story…there is some distance. Trying to connect more directly makes me feel irritated and defensive. Angry and resentful. T tries to encourage me to refer to the part as ‘her’ but my default is to say ‘it’ - though referring to the writing it feels ok to say she/her.
And when T reminds me to say ‘her’ rather than ‘it’ I notice that -more annoyed and more guarded.
Does anyone have any thoughts, experiences, insights or tips to share about doing this type of therapeutic work? I feel really stuck with it. How do you connect with a part like this? A part that’s split off, dissociated, largely ‘unconscious’?
I’d be open to doing more writing to further explore - I feel I get somewhere at least with that - but I don’t know what to write! The two pieces I’ve done had a clear purpose. I knew the sort of thing I was going to go and try to write as T had suggested something.
If I just sit down and think, now write something to connect, my mind is a total blank. It feels like I need a prompt or an exercise or something to start me off?
So, my second ask is - does anyone have any ideas for writing exercises to connect with this part/to explore ‘her’ experiences etc?
Thanks in advance. Am feeling quite frustrated and anxious and weirdly angry about this whole thing! I don’t really understand those reactions. It doesn’t feel good :-(
When I was about 12, I had a traumatic experience involving a doctor. I dissociated. So, this is about me trying to connect with - and, ultimately, integrate with - this part that feels like it’s still somehow just sort of stuck there in the doctor’s room from 30 years ago.
It feels like we’re onto something significant. And T keeps saying this is a breakthrough and we’re at a crucial point and this is what we’ve been working towards for all these years etc etc.
BUT - I don’t know what I’m doing!
I’ve written some things. And the writing feels ok, good even…I get quite absorbed, it feels like I tap into important things…
But I’m also very aware that, while my real experiences are part of these written experiences, they are ultimately works of my imagination.
T suggested sitting quietly/meditating every day and doing two things:
- gently telling the split off part that I am here for her (or that we are here, if I want to include T)
- asking her if there’s anything she wants to say/tell me. And then waiting and listening…
I know I feel a lot of resistance to this exercise. It feels silly. I feel silly. I feel rattled just thinking about it.
Talking with T about the writing feels ok because I’m talking about a story and ‘she’ is a character in the story…there is some distance. Trying to connect more directly makes me feel irritated and defensive. Angry and resentful. T tries to encourage me to refer to the part as ‘her’ but my default is to say ‘it’ - though referring to the writing it feels ok to say she/her.
And when T reminds me to say ‘her’ rather than ‘it’ I notice that -more annoyed and more guarded.
Does anyone have any thoughts, experiences, insights or tips to share about doing this type of therapeutic work? I feel really stuck with it. How do you connect with a part like this? A part that’s split off, dissociated, largely ‘unconscious’?
I’d be open to doing more writing to further explore - I feel I get somewhere at least with that - but I don’t know what to write! The two pieces I’ve done had a clear purpose. I knew the sort of thing I was going to go and try to write as T had suggested something.
If I just sit down and think, now write something to connect, my mind is a total blank. It feels like I need a prompt or an exercise or something to start me off?
So, my second ask is - does anyone have any ideas for writing exercises to connect with this part/to explore ‘her’ experiences etc?
Thanks in advance. Am feeling quite frustrated and anxious and weirdly angry about this whole thing! I don’t really understand those reactions. It doesn’t feel good :-(
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