Relationship How To Avoid Thanksgiving Hell

[Badger]

My sufferer is not speaking to me right now, and has not texted me since Sunday, for reasons which he has not specified. Today he was going to drop his daughter off here so he could go to a doctors appointment. We planned that last week. I sent him a text an hour ago asking if he was still planning on doing this and received a one word answer a half hour before he had originally planned to drop her off.- no.

This is my worry. The ex is taking my kids to visit his relatives for Thanksgiving and Winter was going to bring his daughter and spend it with me. I have a 14 pound frozen turkey, I'm planning on making all this other food as well. It takes a few days to prepare this stuff. Defrosting the turkey itself is going to take 3 days.

Given how fickle and weird this has all been I can just envision myself sitting there at a table by myself bawling my eyes out with a turkey and all the trimmings.(Course it goes without saying I would be done with him at that point) But still, don't wanna do that. Suggestions?

 

[scout86]

1)Invite everyone you can think of who will be alone on Thanksgiving to come to your house, 2) donate the food to a homeless shelter and go along to help cook, 3) leave stuff in the freezer (or where ever) for future use and plan to take yourself out to a nice restaurant, 4) anything you can think of that doesn't involve letting rude people ruin the day.

I HAVE PTSD. I get the whole "I don't want to deal with people" thing, believe me, I do. It's not a license to have bad manners, though. You have to plan/cook the meal. That takes time and advance notice. If you aren't getting that, don't do it. Our actions have consequences, or they should.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Two options...1.) make the turkey and if he doesn't show up, freeze it into individual meals for yourself, or 2.) don't make it and if he shows, let him know why you didn't make the Thanksgiving feast and go out for dinner. Or I guess option three would be to invite friends/family that might not have anything going on. Regardless, don't center your plans around him since you can't count on anything from him right now.

If it helps, my sufferer invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family this year. That was right before he went on a 3 week (and counting) isolation. Instead of hoping he will pull it together by then, I made plans to spend it with my family instead. I'm not going to let his problems ruin the holidays for my children and myself.

 

[Badger]

Well Thanksgiving is on the 28th, guess I could just defrost the turkey and keep it in the fridge for an extra 2 days and cook it for my birthday party on the 30th. I think it would keep for 2 extra days, right? I didn't invite him to my birthday party. Its a woman's only slumberparty ;)

 

[amethist]

Brilliant idea Badger, make this for you and your girly friends.

 

[Badger]

Yeah, I am getting fed up. This last episode of isolation began because I suspect he was angry with me over a conversation I misinterpreted but he hasn't given an explanation. I have tried to respond to all this stuff with equanimity and good manners and...well, grace, in spite of the fact that it is stressing me out. It takes a LOT to make me angry. I realize that it does take him alot more effort to do things then it does me, but it seems like there is an arrogance at work here too. Once I do get angry, though, the personality flaw is in the fact that I tend to suck at that forgiveness thing. I'm wondering how to set some boundaries in this situation?

 

[DMerish]

My sufferer is not speaking to me right now, and has not texted me since Sunday, for reasons which he has not specified. Today he was going to drop his daughter off here so he could go to a doctors appointment. We planned that last week. I sent him a text an hour ago asking if he was still planning on doing this and received a one word answer a half hour before he had originally planned to drop her off.- no.

Badger,

You don't deserve that kind of treatment from anyone. Nor is it fun to be angered, especially when one doesn't get angered easily. Yep, I know that one - things pile up, then pow! Choosing your boundries helpes alleviate that kind of thing.

I no longer plan on any event happening with someone without touching base to confirm the plan the day before, unless past experience has shown that the person follows through with what they say their going to do. In my mind, when I'm doing someone a favor (watch their child while they go do something else), it's the person who is receiving the favor to follow up with me (the giver) and not the other way around. However, I don't make that "rule" written stone . . .

I realize you feel that Winter may pull out of plans, at the last minute, for the three of you to be together on Thanksgiving. I think your concern is valid, but you're beginning to catastrophiz about something that hasn't happened. So, rather than doing that (since it's not fun at all) make plans for yourself that you have a real good idea will become a reality. Even if that plan involves being alone, taking yourself out for a nice meal, a hike, a movie, or ? doing something you like, to treat yourself well, is better than depending on someone else's presence for the state of your emotions. Perhaps come up with a simple plan, that if he and his daughter do show up, they can be included.

Personally, I wouldn't take the time to roast a turkey and make all the trimmings for a three person meal. But, hey, I'd do it for an all woman birthday slumber party!!!!! Absolutely, I would!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Be straightforward. Send him one text asking for confirmation of plans as you need to prepare. Let him know you need a response by a certain day. If you do not get a response by that day, you move on to plan B. This eliminates any game playing or guessing games. Once that decision day comes, don't change your mind or your plans if he changes his mind at the last minute and says he can come. He needs firm boundaries and if he can change his mind last minute now, he'll do it again in the future.

 

[The Albatross]

Both my husband and I avoid Thanksgiving hell by working that day, except for church. We go to church. But way too much time with his brother and either or both of the moms. We do, do Christmas though.

 

[Badger]

Ahh well update. I was ditched for Thanksgiving. Guess I could have predicted that one. Completely rudely too. Winter needs a few months out of MY life. I think I'm going to isolate. ;) From him anyway. I put my car down a snow covered embankment this afternoon because the road was slippery and I was aggravated by the text to the point where I drove too fast for the weather conditions. The car was on a 45 degree slope exactly wedged between 2 trees. The tow truck driver looked at it and said someone must have been watching over me because it looked like it was parked. Me and my awesome old station wagon were both totally unscathed and we were darn lucky. I decided then and there it's not worth the emotional hell to be around someone who jerks you around like this.

 

[DMerish]

I decided then and there it's not worth the emotional hell to be around someone who jerks you around like this.

:tup:

 

[Toria]

Glad you're ok Badger - sometimes we need a wake up call to concentrate on ourselves more. I'm not saying he needs to be out of your life - but perhaps it's time for more Badger Time... So, if Thanksgiving was yesterday, does that make it your birthday tomorrow? Hope you have a great Badger Birthday xxx