Justmehere
Sponsor
I'm in the process of returning to work. My long term goal is a full time job with a flex schedule where I can work partly from home when needed. I know the specific field and career I want to work in, and I hope to return to school soon to get the degree I need to reach my long term goal.
I was first diagnosed with PTSD as a teenager, and did fine in school and work until new trauma happened as an adult. Then my whole life burned down. I lost everything. My job, was dismissed from school... I lost everything. I went on disability as a way to catch my breath, not be homeless, and finally get help to recover. I invested everything I had into treatment. Despite all efforts, Voc Rehab has deemed me "unemployable" and "unable to be rehabilitated." Twice. As recently as a few months ago.
I decided to ignore them all and pay attention to what my doc and therapist have told me, which is that with a steady approach, I'm likely to succeed over the long haul and return to full employment. (And to disregard Voc Rehab.)
So I went out and got myself employed.
Right now, I have taken on a few contracts for work that I do mostly from home. It's very part time, but it's going well. I haven't gotten triggered yet and it has helped with symptoms. I feel hopeful.
I have a gap in that very part time work, so I took on a temp position with the county for a few weeks. I had training today. It's the first job I've had with a hard and fast schedule that is set by someone else that I have done in a few years. Plus, I'm working for the same county government that employed someone who brutally traumatized me while on the job... (that employee was eventually fired and sent to prison for what they did, but the county government didn't handle any of it well at first.) It's a totally different dept, but same county government. My therapist and I both thought I was ready to take on the challenge, it's a good job fit for me, and that I'm safe and fine to do this work. Plus, it will help in my efforts to return to school and advance towards this career. It was also a chance to see how I could handle on the job triggers without a flex schedule.
Last week, I was initially told I would be working 20-30 hours the next two weeks for the county.
I was handed my schedule today, my brain went to "omg, what did I do wrong?" and "they don't want me" and "see I am such a failure." I even thought "omg, they found out I am (perp name)'s accuser and they cut my hours because I'm disgusting to them afterall." (I think this kind of thing about most people everywhere at some point, not just here. Sigh.)
What triggered me to go to this extreme and automatic reaction?
This: they only scheduled me for 10 hours each week. Instead of 20-30 hours. (I know. My thinking was a little catastrophic. ugh.)
On the outside, I wasn't visibly nervous, but I was little clumsy and spacey. I entered in a password wrong 10 times and had to get an IT guy to help because I locked up my account. I did this to myself twice. Yep, didn't even correct my mistake after the first trip tp IT. I was so embarrassed. After excusing myself to the restroom for two minutes to ground in the bathroom, I got back on track and the work was super easy. I did ok with it. I got done early and they said I did well.
My interpretation that my failing was the reason for the cut in hours was wrong.... Last week, they asked me to start a week earlier than I planned to start, and they told me upon hire that they were excited to hire someone with my skills and experience. I spoke to the scheduler today, I told them the training was going great and I'd love to work any additional shifts. They said they already had me down as a back up person for other shifts, and would let me know by the end of the week other shifts they could give me.
So... it was just a preliminary schedule. (I thankfully didn't mention any of my distorted thoughts about being a failure or being found out for being a victim.) Frankly, 10 hours is fine anyhow for now.
But my reaction was problematic and it's happened in other places too. The same thing. I fear people "find out" I'm really actually broken and they don't want me, and I get nervous.
I need to get past this insecurity or I will act in a manner that will give them reason to reject me. I didn't use to feel this way. Before the trauma and losing my job, education, and dealings with Voc Rehab, I would have seen a scheduling matter like this as "ah, crap they didn't give me enough hours. I wonder why."
I have to find my confidence again. I don't mean "I can do anything" kind of confidence. I'm going to face real and perceived failures, but I need to be able to respond without turning bright red and running in shame or getting discombobulated. I have PTSD. I have been struggling. I'm also ready to try working again. I do have a tendency to exceed expectations - in positive and negative ways. I'm so scared I will let everyone down again.
Anyone struggle with this? Any suggestions?
I was first diagnosed with PTSD as a teenager, and did fine in school and work until new trauma happened as an adult. Then my whole life burned down. I lost everything. My job, was dismissed from school... I lost everything. I went on disability as a way to catch my breath, not be homeless, and finally get help to recover. I invested everything I had into treatment. Despite all efforts, Voc Rehab has deemed me "unemployable" and "unable to be rehabilitated." Twice. As recently as a few months ago.
I decided to ignore them all and pay attention to what my doc and therapist have told me, which is that with a steady approach, I'm likely to succeed over the long haul and return to full employment. (And to disregard Voc Rehab.)
So I went out and got myself employed.
Right now, I have taken on a few contracts for work that I do mostly from home. It's very part time, but it's going well. I haven't gotten triggered yet and it has helped with symptoms. I feel hopeful.
I have a gap in that very part time work, so I took on a temp position with the county for a few weeks. I had training today. It's the first job I've had with a hard and fast schedule that is set by someone else that I have done in a few years. Plus, I'm working for the same county government that employed someone who brutally traumatized me while on the job... (that employee was eventually fired and sent to prison for what they did, but the county government didn't handle any of it well at first.) It's a totally different dept, but same county government. My therapist and I both thought I was ready to take on the challenge, it's a good job fit for me, and that I'm safe and fine to do this work. Plus, it will help in my efforts to return to school and advance towards this career. It was also a chance to see how I could handle on the job triggers without a flex schedule.
Last week, I was initially told I would be working 20-30 hours the next two weeks for the county.
I was handed my schedule today, my brain went to "omg, what did I do wrong?" and "they don't want me" and "see I am such a failure." I even thought "omg, they found out I am (perp name)'s accuser and they cut my hours because I'm disgusting to them afterall." (I think this kind of thing about most people everywhere at some point, not just here. Sigh.)
What triggered me to go to this extreme and automatic reaction?
This: they only scheduled me for 10 hours each week. Instead of 20-30 hours. (I know. My thinking was a little catastrophic. ugh.)
On the outside, I wasn't visibly nervous, but I was little clumsy and spacey. I entered in a password wrong 10 times and had to get an IT guy to help because I locked up my account. I did this to myself twice. Yep, didn't even correct my mistake after the first trip tp IT. I was so embarrassed. After excusing myself to the restroom for two minutes to ground in the bathroom, I got back on track and the work was super easy. I did ok with it. I got done early and they said I did well.
My interpretation that my failing was the reason for the cut in hours was wrong.... Last week, they asked me to start a week earlier than I planned to start, and they told me upon hire that they were excited to hire someone with my skills and experience. I spoke to the scheduler today, I told them the training was going great and I'd love to work any additional shifts. They said they already had me down as a back up person for other shifts, and would let me know by the end of the week other shifts they could give me.
So... it was just a preliminary schedule. (I thankfully didn't mention any of my distorted thoughts about being a failure or being found out for being a victim.) Frankly, 10 hours is fine anyhow for now.
But my reaction was problematic and it's happened in other places too. The same thing. I fear people "find out" I'm really actually broken and they don't want me, and I get nervous.
I need to get past this insecurity or I will act in a manner that will give them reason to reject me. I didn't use to feel this way. Before the trauma and losing my job, education, and dealings with Voc Rehab, I would have seen a scheduling matter like this as "ah, crap they didn't give me enough hours. I wonder why."
I have to find my confidence again. I don't mean "I can do anything" kind of confidence. I'm going to face real and perceived failures, but I need to be able to respond without turning bright red and running in shame or getting discombobulated. I have PTSD. I have been struggling. I'm also ready to try working again. I do have a tendency to exceed expectations - in positive and negative ways. I'm so scared I will let everyone down again.
Anyone struggle with this? Any suggestions?
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