General How To Cope With Him Spending Time With Others And Not Me...

[we are fated]

Hey everyone!

I posted my first thread yesterday as I've recently become involved with a lovely man who suffers from c-ptsd. About two weeks ago he withdrew and we had very little contact, but a couple of days ago we talked it all out. He's sorting himself out, and can't be with me while he does, but has made it very clear he is sorting himself out because of me and has our bigger picture very much in mind.

My question is, as I'm finding it hard to get my head around and don't want to overreact/read into things too much, but how is it that he can spend time with other people quite freely, but can't with me? It seems like he is choosing them over me, which i know is childish and selfish of me to think, but the doubts are creeping in.

Perhaps he thinks spending time with me comes with expectations on my part, and he feels pressured. But i really want to make an effort to spend time with him in an unpressurised/platonic way so i can continue to support him but not push him. I'm also terrified of losing him within this distance & space he needs.

These are my doubts, and not necessarily things that deserve my worry, but I'm frightened of stepping a foot out of line and pushing him further away than he feels already.

Thank you for listening, already this forum has been such a big comfort for me, so big thanks in advance. x

 

[bell]

@we are fated, I have been where you are. Many times, in fact. It's scary, huh?

To me, there is but one thing to do. Believe in the power of love. Not that he will necessarily come back to you, but that great love will find you while you are off being the best you you can be.

I say this because he may come back, he may not. The belief in love part is what is elemental. You have to believe that the kind of love you have will come back to you, and if he brings it, so much the better.

This, I've found, is the bravest and boldest thing your soul can do. Not wait for one specific other, but trust that that love will return to you, as long as you don't give up on either it or life.

I know it's super scary that "he" may not come back. But "we" cannot control "he." "We" don't know what's best for either "he" or "I," because we can't see the greater picture from where we're sitting. "We" have to believe that "we" are worth that great love, whenever it comes, and whomever brings it. That faith in such a love is an act of boldness for both "we" and "he," as it guides us both to find love. It could be that "we" are not the best for "he," and remember that if "we" truly love "he," we will want him to find that great love, too, whomever it shall (and should) be with.

It wasn't until I fell in love with someone with PTSD until I realized that real love is letting go.

Edited to add: I'm also a sufferer, so it's, er, complicated... but this is what I have learned through all the back and forth, both through his less-than-stellar actions and my own.

 

[RussH]

I may be completely out of the box on this, but could it be that he is afraid? It is much eaiser to spend time with people you have a surface relationship with, because they don't know the "real" you. It is much harder to spend time with someone you really care about because you are afraid they will see the "real" you.

I think I have trouble developing deep friendships, because I am afraid that when the get to know me; they will not like me. Without knowing this man, I cannot tell you if this is the case with them, but if it is, then you have some work to do. You have to break down this defensive wall he has built up, and the way to do that is to show him he can trust you with who he really is, and not the persona he puts out in public.

Again, this may not be the circumstances you are dealing with; it is mine, and I can only speak from my personal experience.

 

[kahlan]

My N. does the same thing. It can hurt a lot :(. I know in his case its because its easier for him to be around people that "don't matter"as much because when he's stressed, they don't have that emotional connection that can overload him.

 

[we are fated]

Thank you Bell. Deep down I do believe in the power of love, I do. The distance is SO scary though, to the point where I talk myself into thinking it's personal & what he is saying is just an excuse. And I KNOW that is so unfair of me, but it's a thought process that creeps in before I have chance to bar it. I do believe in us though, if I thought we weren't meant to be together, whether that's soon or not, I wouldn't even be here.

You are right though, I can't live his life for him and make his decisions, I just so badly want to be there for him, because it's so sad that essentially he's alone with all of this. And I don't know whether that is preferable because it feels better for him, or it's preferable because he's frightened of letting me in. I just don't want him to be alone.

RussH - you're not out of the box at all, you're exactly right. He did say he finds the idea of letting someone get close enough that they could break his heart sickening, and i think that is a BIG barrier for him. How do I go about breaking down those barriers though, without pushing him or overstepping boundaries? When I see him in work he's tactile, friendly, makes sure I know he's catching my eye - but then doesn't go any further. And now I know exactly why it's just figuring out how to help him be with me without it stressing him.

Kahlan - I'm sorry you're struggling with this too, it's so difficult to rationalise isn't it? I guess you just have to take your N's explanation of why he does this at face value. Not to your detriment obviously, but it does make sense that it would sometimes be easier to spend time with someone who doesn't know what's going on in your head, and isn't aware of how bad it all makes him feel. Still hard though as a supporter. I really hope you're ok!

Thanks everyone x x

 

[RussH]

We are fated: You start to build his trust by showing yourself trustworthy in small things. In her book "Unspoken" (christian romance / suspence), Dee Henderson' character faces a similar dilemma. Her character, Charlotte, is the trauma victim, and Bryce has to bring her to the place she can trust him. You will have to push him with very gently pushes, otherwise he will never cross those barriers.

It is going to take patience on your part. You may want to ask yourself if you are prepared, if you care enough to fight for him.

I don't know if you like to read, but if you do; I really recommend this book. Dee really understands what it means to be a broken person, and it can give you good insight into dealing with your friend.

I truly hope things work out for you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Honestly, I don't think of it as being "easier " to be around "people who don't matter".

Intimate relationships are stressful. Even when the other person says " let's just hang out as friends", the stress is still there because the intimate boundary has been crossed. Our friends let us be us with not so many expectations. Such relationships put less demand on us and well, we like that fact!

I think in a way it is insulting him to say he is choosing "people that don't matter". If I was dating someone who thought my friends were "people who don't matter", well let's just say we wouldn't be dating for long.

Don't insult his friends. They DO matter. And don't be so selfish as to think that because you two dated, you are the only one who matters. We all deserve human interaction, it's just that sufferers have to monitor this on a completely different level.

 

[kahlan]

He did say he finds the idea of letting someone get close enough that they could break his heart sickening, and i think that is a BIG barrier for him.(quotes and my phone don't work)

N. has said something very similar. The hurt that caused the PTSD created some serious defenses to prevent any hurt in the future. Opening up to the potential for more hurt is SCARY! (Between N. and I, we each had barriers the size of Texas to get through in regards to this) I recall a couple conversations where immediately after saying something he wasn't necessarily ready to say, he would pull back at the speed of light and close off. He would eventually come back out after reassuring him his expression was valid then dropping it. Worst thing for him is dwelling on something like that.

PTSD isn't rational, and in fact just plain sucks for everyone involved. Its hard to watch someone you care about struggle especially when ut comes to protecting themselves from people who truly care.

 

[we are fated]

HI Solara,

Thanks for your advice again. I wouldn't dream of wanting him to cut contact with anyone just because we dated. It's not that I think those people matter less at all, in fact, they probably matter more at this stage.

My anxiety isn't that he has other people besides me that he spends time with, it's that he tells me he needs to be alone, that he can't be with ME, but CAN be with these other people. It's not a rational worry I know, but it's a genuine feeling i have that makes me feel bad, that's all. I'm just trying to find ways that I can understand why he might be doing this that relates to his ptsd.

I didn't mean in any way that I am more important than his other relationships.

x

 

[we are fated]

RussH, thank you for the book recommendation, I'll look into it for definite!

I am prepared to be patient. In fact I'm prepared to do anything to help him. I'll do anything x

 

[we are fated]

Kahlan, you're absolutely right, it must be incomprehensibly frightening for him to let other people in, especially as he's told me as much.

I think it's a case of baby steps in my situation. The last thing I want to do is overstep the mark when he's not ready x

 

[kahlan]

Solara, I'm not saying that his friends don't matter. Actually I'm restating what he has said to me. I'm not the center of anyone's universe nor do I expect to be. By people "who don't matter" it was meant as the people you have regular interactions with but if those interactions stopped it wouldn't be really noticeable as its only at the surface level.