How to Deal With Knowing I Deserved It?

[Deleted member 47384]

I know its reflexive for people to be like "It wasn't your fault" when it comes to trauma, especially sexual trauma, but I feel like this place is more practical than that. I've seen a good number of posts where members point out that other members deserve what happened to them, or how it "doesn't count", and it made me realize that I'm right there with them. My question now is, what do I do about it?

I grew up around men. When my brother started putting his hands on me at around age 8, our folks just shrugged. "He's a boy, that's what they do." I had to find ways to protect myself from the get-go - I was too small to fight, but I got really good at hiding, and sneaking around the house, and dodging his hands. By the time I was older, in my teens, I should've known better. It never really stopped at home, and when I started getting out and about, taking the bus and public transit alone, I knew it would happen there too. And it did. Every single day, on my 45-minute commute to and from school, there was always Something. Some man's wandering hands, some man pressing against me, or whispering disgusting things in my ear.

I was too tired to fight back by then. I just sat there, feeling sick and waiting for it to be over, because I needed to save my energy to fend off big brother at home. He was more likely to rape me than any of these randos on the bus, I knew - strangers hear a scream and come looking, but mom and dad would just shrug and turn the TV up louder. Home was infinitely more dangerous than anyplace else.

People don't like to tell me I deserved what happened to me. But I have a feeling more than enough people on this site will agree with me, and know that I absolutely did. Maybe not from my brother - or maybe I did, who knows? - but definitely from those strangers on the bus. That's what I deserved, for sitting alone on a city bus, having a c*nt and all. It didn't matter why I didn't fight back, just that I didn't. I deserved all those fingers inside me, all those things rubbed up against me.

I don't know, I'm just. Having a hard time processing. And I think that's because no one wants to admit that I deserved it. My therapist keeps fighting me on it, and I feel like denying my accountability is keeping me from healing.

 

[Ronin]

But blame ain't really accountability, is it.

What would change if you DID deserve it?
As in whats the need to deserve it all about.

My relationship with deserve / not deserve is usually huge chunk of my more socialized brain out, at least where it comes to those situations. More dazed thinking and spacy than head on processing it. In a way focusing on something about it that really is not important, cause I mean, if my head is hyper about deserving and not months on end, I am busy compartmentalizing the whole thing, a million other tie ins, and I am sure as hell not running back, immediately, and that is a good thing, having something else to mull over.

And it is also a good distraction from how f*cked up multisides abuse gets. I mean, deserving it from buncha pansies, can move the thought I did not likely deserve it from ANY of them. And keeps the ball in my courtyard: deserved it? Then hell, fiine, suck it up and we are having a different day, not lingering on that bullshit now, or how f*cked up it whole is. Deserve is kinda just. And just is all well, we want just, even in the f*cked up land. Just makes sense. Order in chaos, order enough.

Hence asking what YOUR deserve does.

 

[Deleted member 47384]

But blame ain't really accountability, is it.

What would change if you DID deserve it?
As in whats the need to deserve it all about.

I'm not sure how accountability and blame aren't the same? The person who caused the problem is the one at fault, aren't they?

If I deserved it, then I have no right to still be upset about it. I was the one at fault.

All those people who put their hands on me are long gone by now, and probably don't even remember me, so it's not like they were affected at all. So now I'm just stuck with this sick, disgusting feeling and nothing to really do with it, because I don't have anyone to apologize to. I don't have anything to apologize for either, since I let them have what they wanted, and I never outed them.

I don't know. It just feels important. I'm stuck on it.

 

[Ronin]

The way I see it, accountability is about responsibility (and actual duties in situations). Blame is about accepted guilt and feelings about things, not necessarily that objectively findable, responsibility vs. blame. Differentiating where responsibility lies, where blame does, and what was entirely outside of the scope to act, is the more tricky part.

Why should you deserve it, though?
You were just going about your life. It is not like you were making them do anything of what they did.
And it is not like you are helping them be better people if you take on what is theirs to own.

Causing the problem is not the same as being at fault.
Responsible, may be, at fault, not really.

 

[Mach123]

I know this feeling, but I experienced it as being beat up everywhere and by everyone. I didn't equate it with sexual abuse because that was happening on a different level and didn't seem to be abuse? It seemed like a relief from being beaten and harassed and constantly frightened. I thought it was my fault, I was no different from the other kids and I could have fought back so why didn't I? Because I wanted it. Maybe to pay me back for the sex that was going on always. I don't feel like this anymore.

 

[Deleted member 47384]

@Ronin Ahh ok, I see what you're saying.
I can't help but feel like I was doing something to make them do it to me, though. I was raised with both sides of my family telling me, from experience, "that's just what men are supposed to do to girls" so I feel like I should've known better. I should've acted better, or maybe I wasn't doing something that I should've, I don't know.

Either way, I know I'm the one in the wrong. I'm just struggling to cope with it.

@Mach123 I never realized that my sexual abuse was abuse, either. I was taught that was just the way the world works, so I figured it was happening to everybody. I wonder if that's a common thought to have.

 

[Mach123]

I know you feel like that. I hope someday, you won't feel that anymore. I had felt like that my whole life, I guess I got tired of it. The last time I tried to kill myself with drugs and couldn't quite do it, I figured maybe I should try and listen to someone else's ideas about it. : ). It was all my fault. Now it's not. This is much better.

 

[somerandomguy]

I've seen a good number of posts where members point out that other members deserve what happened to them

I ... I have never seen that. I have never seen a member tell another member that they deserved to be sexually assaulted.

Moreover, if I ever DID see that? I would report the SHIT out of it right away.

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deserves to be sexually assaulted, for ANY reason.

People don't like to tell me I deserved what happened to me. But I have a feeling more than enough people on this site will agree with me, and know that I absolutely did.

I think that is a thought you should be examining. When I returned to this site a few months ago, I had a really, really hard time accepting what happened to me was sexual abuse. I was sure that I had asked for it and therefore it didn't count. I was so sure of it, that I was prepared to leave the forums, because I was sure I didn't belong. MANY, MANY people all immediately told me that not only what I went through was indeed sexual abuse, but that I could find support here if I wanted to. They convinced me not to leave.

@Dazey, let me tell you right now: you didn't deserve being sexually abused. YOU DID NOT DESERVE IT. You did NOTHING to make it happen. You were a child. You did not cause it, you were not at at fault. And I don't think anyone anyone on this site would say differently.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you’re referring to the fact that we tend to be straightforward here and honest as fck at times.

So no, you don’t get the benefit of our honesty in “proving” that you deserved the abuse. Nope. No. Never.

(Nice try.)

 

[Freida]

But I have a feeling more than enough people on this site will agree with me, and know that I absolutely did.

Sorry hun -- you are going to find exactly the opposite. No one here will agree that you deserved to be abused. No One.

So with that out of the way - My T and I fought about this whole "deserved" thing for a long time and there are days when I still believe. It takes a lot of work to get those thoughts out of your head and get them back where they belong ...which is...
I. Didn't. Deserve. This.
You are fighting against years of programming and teaching. These thoughts were driven into your brain by your abuser and those who stood by and did nothing. Now it's time to unearth them, let them see the light of day and stomp on them.

Either way, I know I'm the one in the wrong. I'm just struggling to cope with it.

You are struggling to cope because you ARE wrong -- not IN THE wrong.
Meaning this statement is incorrect.
The whole idea that you are the one in the wrong is the "completely, utterly, no way to make it true", kind of false thinking that is PTSD. You can tell us and tell us you did something to deserve it and we will tell you and tell you that you didn't. And when you backslide (like I do more than I would like) we will tell you some more. Until it begins to seep in.....

 

[Juso]

Hi @Dazey !

There is never a justification for abuse. Nothing excuses abusive behavior.
So this way you can never deserve abuse.

If you would slap me in the face, would you tell me I deserved it because I didn't pull away?
When my mum used to hit me, I froze and just protected my head with my hands until it was over. I didn't run away, I didn't tell her to stop. I kind of accepted it. Sometimes I would lay down on the floor and protect myself with my legs to keep her away from me, but that only happened as I got older. And never in my life have I told her to stop hitting me. But this doesn't make me deserve her abuse. I didn't do anything wrong, my mum had a bad impulse control and I was a child who didn't know how to protect itself from its caretaker.

Just because you weren't able to defend yourself, this doesn't mean you deserved it. What kind of definition of "deserving something" would that require then? A very disturbing one, to me.
Sometimes its easier to blame yourself. I get that. Especially because it has to do with regaining control. It's hard to accept you didn't have any control over this. Just like you wrote: if you would have told your parents about what your brother has done to you, nobody would have helped you. You were a child who was left alone.
And even if you would have tried to defend yourself in those situations, it maybe would have made it worse. You never know.

So please try to start working on this belief that you deserved it, because you just DID NOT. EVER.

 

[Missing Mermaid]

@Ronin Ahh ok, I see what you're saying.
I can't help but feel like I was doing something to make them do it to me, though. I was raised with both sides of my family telling me, from experience, "that's just what men are supposed to do to girls" so I feel like I should've known better. I should've acted better, or maybe I wasn't doing something that I should've, I don't know.

Either way, I know I'm the one in the wrong. I'm just struggling to cope with it.

@Mach123 I never realized that my sexual abuse was abuse, either. I was taught that was just the way the world works, so I figured it was happening to everybody. I wonder if that's a common thought to have.

I connect with so much of this. I am responsible for so much. And my T is all it isn’t your fault. I am beyond frustrated because I am also stuck on yes, yes it is! I let it happen, I never did anything, never said anything. I hate myself bc I put how many other people in harms way bc I never did or said anything. How the f*ck isn’t this my fault. It is MY fault. So many times and people. Becuase this happened to me so many times...different ages, people, situations I had to have been asking for it some how...I’m the common denominator.

I am still learning what was abuse. In therapy I’ll say something and T will go over how that was the r word or abuse...I am like no it isn’t. But it is by technical definitions. I am smart (I’d like to think) I am successful in parts of my life. How the heck do I not know what abuse is....how did I not do something. It is so tiring to have to keep fighting my T on this. When I know it is my fault and I’m trying to accept that and learn how to process and deal with it. Ugh.