General How to encourage fiance

[Mum2016]

Hi there
First time poster, long time reader.
My finance served in the military for 12 years, so pretty much his entire young adult life.
One tour to Afghanistan with NATO where some pretty hard stuff happened.
After almost 2 years out and the birth of our little girl. I'm finding it increasing difficult to be able to help him motivate himself even at times to get up and have a shower. I celebrate the small achievements, but I want to see him excel in life again. For those suffers who may read this, how do I help him?

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he is suffering with PTSD, it's not a lack of willingness to do things. It's a reaction to symptoms. There is no spousal motivation that will help that. The more you push, the worse it will get.

Has he gotten evaluated for PTSD? Is he getting treatment?

 

[ILoveLife]

it's not a lack of willingness to do things. It's a reaction to symptoms

This, exactly.

I wouldn't put the goal in him excelling in life, I would put small goals that are achievable such as getting out of bed. It took me years to be able to shower properly, after the first being getting out of bed.. If people around me were putting pressure for me to excell in life I would break all over again.
Just my opinion.

 

[Snowflakes]

I celebrate the small achievements

how do I help him?

You are already helping him by celebrating achievements. As supporters we help by being there for our sufferer as they learn to manage.

 

[Freida]

I had to really hit rock bottom before I got motivated to get help. You can encourage him to make the call, but he has to want it for himself.
When he is ready he can contact either the local VA or a Vet Center and get help. But until then - getting out of bed may be his accomplishment for the day.

 

[Mum2016]

If he is suffering with PTSD, it's not a lack of willingness to do things. It's a reaction to sympto...

He has been evaluated and daiognoised going on about three years now. Was seeing a great therapist moved to the country side and now we are searching for a new one that would be suitable. He also has depression so I believe it goes hand in hand with the ptsd to make it a struggle to get up and going

This, exactly.

I wouldn't put the goal in him excelling in life, I would put small goals that are achiev...

Thank you very much!
Never thought of it like that
I want the best for him but in this circumstance it might be up to him?

I had to really hit rock bottom before I got motivated to get help. You can encourage him to make the c...

Thank you for being so open and honest.

 

[ILoveLife]

I want the best for him but in this circumstance it might be up to him?

Yes, it's up to him. He will do what he's ready to do.
I'm.glad he's willing to do therapy. That's great.

 

[Pippi427]

I was glad to see this thread. I got a little advice from an Army wife friend of mine that seems to help. I suggest an outing about once a week. He can take it or leave it, and I make sure I still go myself if he can't make it. ( He will feel guilty if I don't have fun because of him.) Frequency might be different for your fiance because everyone is different.

This week we had a great accomplishment. My boyfriend took his therapist's advice and planned an activity for himself and did it! He spent 12 hours on a movie set as an extra with total strangers (roughly 10 people, so not a huge crowd). I was beyond proud of him. He's been living in a new city for 8 months and is finally trying to get out and explore and make friends.

I make sure he knows I'm happy and proud of him when he does that. At first he was even timid that he might want to do something and not include me (probably bad messages from his controlling ex before me). I make sure he knows his happiness is important to a healthy relationship between us and that I am supportive when he wants to try new things that are healthy activities.

For some folks it might be taking a trip to the grocery store alone. Sometimes an analytical and reflective mind can help us find the small win in every day. So look for those opportunities.