Relationship How To End It Without Hurting Him

[Kimani]

I met this amazing person about 8 months ago and a simple friendship turned gradually into a deep connection. He is totally amazing and loving and caring and I didn't know how his PTSD is going to effect us. I come from a functional family, I am a professional and doing pretty well in my life. I really don't need any trouble, but I do care about him a lot and I don't have the strength to leave him.(it is a long distance relationship) We tried to be just friends and it lasted for a month but we are back to our love conversation again. The connection is too deep to ignore but I have already experienced many roller coasters and reading this forum really helped me understand a lot. Everything is much more clear now that I read your posts here. Also now that I am beginning to know what PTSD does I am afraid it is too much for me to deal with. I also see that he is trying to give me something that is way beyond his ability, it is hard for him and maybe even not good for his mental health.

I really think before this emotional roller coaster damages me badly I need to save myself and leave. I will miss him and I wish we could be friends...not sure if that would work.

Now, my question is, what is the most gentle way to end this without harming him. I feel that he is very fragile and he gave me so much love. I can't like myself if I hurt him. I don't have much experience with these kinds of situations and my girlfriends' suggestions about how to end this sound too harsh to me.

It is hard enough to think of not being in touch with him. How should I do it so that it is gentle to him and to me both?
-Sudden explanation and good bye is too harsh, we are too connected to cut it all at once. And, we have tried that, didn't last very long!
- explaining to him and asking him to let it gradually fade away is difficult because we forget all the problems again as soon as we feel our feelings.
- I thought about making myself less available, bringing excuses and letting it fade that way, even if I find the strength to do this, it doesn't sound honest and fair to play like that, even though it might be good for him. I would feel like a jerk.

My other question is, how does a break up effect a PTSD sufferer? What are the things they have to deal with after a break up because of their PTSD that those with a healthy mind don't.

Last note: I know that this is a big deal for him to stay with me.

Thank you!

 

[EveHarrington]

I think what you're asking is how to minimize the pain, correct? I mean breakups hurt, even for those without PTSD.

I think the best way to do it is by being honest with him. CALL (do not text) him and tell him that this relationship just isn't working out for you. You can explain why in a few reasons, but if you want to minimize the pain, I'd avoid saying anything about it being over because he has PTSD. While it may be the truth, telling this to a sufferer may make them swear off relationships for good.

Any contact beyond that should be infrequent (once a week at most) if you want to maintain a friendship.

Maintain strong boundaries so that you don't send mixed messages.


Good luck! :hug:

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Making excuses and fading him out is cruel I'm my opinion. The reason why there's a tried and tested protocol for breaking up is because it sucks for all involved and staying in contact means they might think there's still a chance to work it out, you might 'try again' at the relationship and do on.

You need to be clear to avoid mixed signals you don't want them handing on because they think there's still some chance with you. You don't need to be a jerk breaking up, it's long distance blame that. Breaking up is hard and it sucks but it is for everyone. I don't know you two or your relationship so for me to say what it's going to be like I would just be guessing.

Staying in contact would be a bad idea but I'm guessing you know that already or they way you worded the post would be more open and less 'don't tell me to do this'. So someone's already said yeah. It would maybe be better for you and less painfull for you if you stay in touch but it will just drag this thing out and be more painfull in the long run.

If you're adamant you still want to be friends probably best to have no contact for a few months while it's still fresh. The longer you drag it out the harder it will be there is no easy way to break up you just have to do it.

 

[Kimani]

Hi,
Thank you both of you. I wasn't expecting to get an answer so quickly. I am so glad I found this community.

Thank you, it is good to know that I shouldn't mention his PTSD. He has been asking me to find a support group. Maybe because it is hard for him to explain to me what he is experiencing and he wants me to learn it somewhere else. Should I not tell him that now I know much more about PTSD? Should I just let this information help us without mentioning it to him that ah now I see that is not you that is PTSD doing that!?

I know this is not good for me but I am not ready to break it...will be so much easier if he does it. The couple of times that I did explain on the phone and we did 'break up' on the phone, we ended up getting even closer and the 'breakup' lasted only for 20 minutes or so! Not sure if repeating that will be good, it is nerve wracking.

So far I didn't know how much all his behavior and decisions are effected by his condition. I was looking at him as I would look at someone without PTSD and having expectations from him that is impossible for him to do. He has been trying to act like it is that way too. We both in a way "pretended" (from my side it was pure ignorance) that PTSD didn't exist. Now I see how things that he has done for me are superhuman. He told me so many times that he is trying and pretending to be normal. I couldn't understand what he was doing for us.
Now that I understand him better, (after reading this forum) it is even harder for me to hurt him. What is the line between 'being a compassionate partner' and 'self sacrificing in an unhealthy way'? I do care about him so much but I feel I am sacrificing.

As you see I have a hard time deciding...leave or stay...save myself or save the love...in a way my decision to leave comes from a selfish place that I don't like.

Thank you for your time.

 

[Tinyflame]

No it's not selfish @Kimani . The answer to that question I think you would know, if you were more in love. But you do not need permission to leave. (And likely he senses or sees you find it overwhelming- hence why he suggested a support group, whether he thought you were uninformed or not.)

I don't think with added stressors relationships are likely to work out if the attraction or synergy or commitment isn't greater than average.

 

[Kimani]

Thank you Junebug, If it wasn't greater than average I wasn't here today. It is very special for both of us and we are both trying our best. I am just scared, I feel like I am getting myself into something totally unknown and I feel that because what we have is very special I don't have control on my decisions...I can't just be logical and see that it is not good for me and leave. My last relationship was a not healthy one that I dragged very long because of love that was there. I thought I can never fall in love again after that and I was single for a long time after that...but here I am. It feels exactly like that last one, I know it is not good for me but I don't have the strength to move on. This time it is not the relationship that is sick it is his condition that makes is hard. So I am trying to understand if it is me not being able to move on from something that is not good for me. I am asking myself maybe my definition of love is a wrong definition, why is it that I always have a painful love. Not sure if that is a question for this forum :) Just thinking out loud.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, my opinion is not of much value, but I've put my heart on the shelf after bad experiences, I get that, but I have ptsd.

It took many years to see the bad experiences were caused more by the other person. But I, in turn, caused bad experiences (undoubtedly) for people who were just good people (no one can ever say 'deserved'/ 'didn't 'deserve' it.)

I wouldn't overwhelm yourself with fear reading facts, because everyone is different. I would check out co-dependent stuff. I would define what love means to you. I would ask yourself what are the deal breakers? I would pray if you believe in it. I would express your thoughts 'out loud to yourself' without looking for an answer. I suppose that is (also) talking to a HP, or your heart or subconscious brain, & cknowledging your feelinfs. I don't know how long it is you're together but the first 20/ 24 months or so is lust. If it lasts longer that is unlikely but a good sign- I watched my parents have it their whole married life together. I would ask your heart of hearts.

 

[Mytime]

You don't have to make the decision today. I get the feeling you are unsure on how to make the relationship work.
Relationships are hard work, but alittle harder when PTSD is there to. But please don't think you can't have a good relationship. By educating yourself, setting boundaries and working on communicating with each other. You can have a good relationship. I'm not trying to sway you either way. I'm just saying don't just see the negative. No matter what relationship are hard.

 

[Kimani]

Well, my opinion is not of much value, but I've put my heart on the shelf after bad experiences, I get...

Thank you!

 

[Kimani]

You don't have to make the decision today. I get the feeling you are unsure on how to make the relation...

yes Mytime you got it, that is true i am unsure. And as strange as it might sound this is the best taste of a good relationship I have ever experienced in my life and I am in my mid 40s. I have never felt so cared for and connected and "together" with anyone in my life. The good thing is that I too need my space very often and we do work together to create the space that we both need. I need it for reflection and to focus on my creative life which require solitude. So that aspect works perfectly. He never takes a break without letting me know and we agree on when to talk next together. Reading this forum I can tell he is really amazing.

I have 2 other questions after reading some more here. Are these 2 characteristics of PTSD or is it his personality:
1. Wanting to stay on the phone for hours, sometimes all night. ( I saw another person mentioning that on the posts)
2. Having a tendency to fight over nothing! I am usually confused what did I say that made him start a fight. Now, he is an intellectual so our fights are not that ugly but still nerve wracking. Mostly the 'fights' are analyzing and over analyzing why I said something and he telling me over and over that I hurt him, it is just too much for me no amount of "I am sorry I didn't mean that" helps to move on :(

Thank you!

 

[Mytime]

Well as far as talking all night, I don't have the answer. It could be great Conversation or a feeling of connection.

As for fighting about something you said. Well I would say. ' I'm sorry you feel hurt by what I said, it wasn't meant to be hurtful. I apologize for the misunderstanding and leave it at that.
You've done what you can and its up to him to work through it. There's no right or wrong, just a miss understanding.

 

[Kimani]

Well, my opinion is not of much value, but I've put my heart on the shelf after bad experiences, I get...

What you said is very valuable. All the questions you mentioned and how to go about them. I am thinking to get a life coach to help me with this. Not sure if life coaches can help since they probably don't have knowledge about PTSD.