Dear
@Kimani, ptsd within a relationship does require extra understanding, patience & forgiveness, I think.
I did spend a lot of thinking to understand what was wrong in my previous relationship. But I am here with a different question.
Why I asked that is because that is the answer to your question here. Why did you attract the men you did? Why were you attracted to them/ him (previous relationship(s) ). What did you tolerate? Why? What are your beliefs about yourself, & relationships? (You don't have to answer here, you just have to see if there are parallels, or what & why they are.) Sometimes we're trying to fix what was wrong in the past, rather than enjoying what's right in the relationship.
I don't think I can find the connection that I feel with him again if I haven't in the past 2 and a half decades of my adult life.
Fear doesn't make for good choices. Maybe you'll meet the love of your life tomorrow, or not at all. No person, on their own, can bring you happiness though. Loving them can bring you joy, being loved can bring you joy, but the core will always be inside you.
what does love mean to you?
@Mytime had a beautiful description. Love is a verb to me, based on quite unconditional positive regard, respect, tenderness & appreciation of the other person. I think without trust it tanks a lot, at least the bounds of the relationship are really restricted. I think when I love someone I put their needs, joys, safety, life, happiness & dreams on par with my own. I would like to think anyone who loves someone else will be honest, protective, & together share their life. In a big way I think (ideally) it's a safe haven for both, a lover, companion, & it may sound weird- but help each other get to Heaven when their lives are done. To help each other cope, to heal, learn, support & encourage each other, & be partners +/or lovers +/or companions (depending on the relationship). A second part of heart & soul. A person who loves you for who you are, & you them. That's why it's individual, & based on knowing the person, not superficially, but deeply, & with the good, the bad & the ugly, loving 'all' of them, because it makes them 'them'.
(JMHO, of course. It is individual. eg Others marry etc for money, security, prestige, status, attention, to not be alone, cultural arrangement, etc.)
any deal breaker that we have had on our "deal breaker list" can not break the deal?
Well, you have the right to change it, but if it's not something you can or want to deal with you mantain it. Sometimes there's more info, & you have a different perspective. Sometimes you choose to forgive something wrong, in lieu of all of the things done right. Especially if they are trying not to repeat it, or realize it will terminate the relationship. You come to try to balance your perspective with realities, & go from there. Sometimes you realize what forgiveness you've been given, & extend the same.
the happy moments are very bright but very short and they always have a sad layer underneath them
Having PTSD feels like this (to me), in or out of relationships. (So perhaps you can understand how he may feel. Ask him.)
I also think love is responsibility, we are responsible about each others feelings, I respect him and his feelings and I expect him the same. Not sure if that is exactly happening with all his hidings and hurtful words.
So you should expect it. Well, we're only responsible for ourselves- not other's reactions or how they reciprocate. That's where deal breakers come in. And communicating. Having regard for yourself, also. Saying you are sorry when you should. If you are healthier, less selfish, put someone on an equal plane with you & care deeply, respect them, it's easier to be more aware of their feelings. And be realistic- we all get stressed, exhausted, ill etc. That's a poor time to add to it, especially re: the stress cup, & for everyone. But not everyone is capable, or desirous. And sometimes we all tke things personally when we shouldn't. And sometimes it's a bad fit. And sometimes, people don't care, & have their own issues too.
He left me with the shock and no explanation!
Totally traumatizing after caring for him. Not your fault. Have you chosen another man who has similar behaviours?
Thinking back to your title, I surely wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, but your both old enough to be direct. I would say (if that's how you feel), you don't know if you can handle it.. and perhaps because you're expecting him to do what the last one did? (Fairly or unfairly, to him.) Might as well be honest, what kind of reltionship will it be if you can't. Also, you've said he's very loving, & been super-human trying. Perhaps the rest of the sdness you still feel is from withing you? Also 8 months plus long distance may not be enough time to even know if it's love. I've heard people here with ptsd, that 10-20 years in to their marriage they're still working on trust. (Which I think is essential for open-ness, & also a better-than-average sex life too. It's a lot more fun.)
( PS, disregard any or all not helpful. :hug: I hope you don't wish I hadn't come back. :rolleyes: )
