Relationship How To Help A Loved One With Ptsd

[catlover26]

I will try and explain this as briefly as possible. I have been dating someone for over a year that served in Vietnam that is 16 yrs older than me. The age difference didn't seem to be a problem. We both have been divorced and he is overall good with communication although he was living almost like a loner for 16 years after becoming sober now going on 29 years. The first 6 mos or so were for the most part great with normal adjustments. But starting in November he started becoming more depressed and it has increased. We stopped going out anywhere but he does go run errands on his own during the day. I have learned to accept that he said he just doesn't have the patience most the time to eat out, etc. When he is feeling better at times we do laugh and have a good time but it can only be like short moments when we are together now.

The main problem now is he is stuck in this depressive state. He basically thinks America is at its worse than it has ever been. We live in Texas near Lufkin where they are to conduct what are really routine training at an armory next month. He, along with some others in this area, believe it is some kind of gov't operation to begin taking over by martial law. I have tried to tell him some things how this couldn't occur, etc but nothing really helps. Last night I told him not getting angry with him but how all this effects our relationship and his health and well being. He said he knows that but can't stop the way he feels.

I am really at a loss what to do. Our relationship has changed so much but I don't want to end it. I worry so much about him but I know I can't let it get me so down because I have had so much stress on me through my divorce. I just need some support and anyone to talk to.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Has he been to the VA lately? My vet says they are starting to work on rating guys from Vietnam for PTSD now... as bad as it sucks, he may be able to get some counselling through the VA.

 

[catlover26]

Yes, he goes on a regular basis. In fact he just went to his psychiatrist and psychologist the other day. He only tells them so much. He stays very tired and he knows some of it is depression but he just thinks it is his age. He just talks sometimes like he is just giving up and won't try anything to help his situation. He just doesn't trust the VA. He is on disability for depression and PTSD but he feels if he goes in and tells them too much that they will 'lock him up' or come in his home take his guns, etc. Some of it is also his age. He is 71. That is part of the reason I don't want to end whatever kind of relationship we have even though it has changed so much. He doesn't have anyone else to talk to and he feels he can trust me. But there is only so much of this I can take. I also have depression and go to a mental health center here and suggested he go there to my counselor but he won't.

 

[catlover26]

It's just so hard if I am over there on a Sunday night when he has the kids next door over. He seems more happy around them. But I have talked to him about that and he says it is not really real. But it does to seem to get his mind off of things. I guess with me he can be his 'real self'. But he will answer the phone when other people will call but not lately when I call at night. When we have any kind of serious talks he calls them arguments and says he has trouble sleeping. I told him last night that I have to be able to express what I am feeling because this change in our relationship is effecting me. Being an alcoholic for so many years, even though he is really good most of the time with communication, he is not used to someone disagreeing with him or at least someone he loves that is. I think he just never learned how that was a healthy part of a relationship. I'm just going on and on but it just helps to get this out.

 

[catlover26]

You know I am just going to ramble here because I know people are probably reading all of this and not replying but that is ok. I think I just need to know there are people out you that understand all of this. Most of you have been dealing with this much longer than I have. Sure I had high expectations for our relationship. I was married for 30 years and got divorced 1 1/2 yrs ago. It was such a damn hard decision but I knew I had to do it for my sanity. I realized eventually after I met my sweetie now that I didn't know what true love was. And now I have met someone that I know truly loves me but yet for some reason he won't take the steps to make himself better. That really hurts! But even so I still hang on but realize this is not going to be what I hoped for. I don't want to get 'preachy' but I believe we didn't meet by accident. We met at McDonald's when our power was out here for several days. It was out of character for both of us to be talking to each other. So I do truly believe I am in his life for a purpose. Maybe it is going to end up being just as a companion/friendship. He doesn't need to be a loner anymore.

Thankfully I do have a counselor here to talk to. At least it is someone. She gave me a great quote that is so true:

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head
of how it is supposed to be

How True! I will probably go over there tonight even knowing he will seem happy because the kids will be there but it will be a different change. I will just have to keep my cool and not ask him how can he be happy with them? Understand if anyone is reading this it not all bad by any means. He knows something is going 'wrong' in his head and he worries about how all this effects me. But I tell him I will be fine. I know he truly loves me but when he gets like this I guess he turns inward and becomes more self absorbed.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Wow 30 years is a long time and have to go through divorce. I was married 15 years and that nearly killed me. He ( my ex husband) abused me for years emotionally and physically yet I felt major guilt for leaving him. My vet (D) had his issues but I have 0 worries of him ever putting a hand on me in a violent way. I often tell him I was broken and he fixed me. I believe everyone comes into our life for a reason. I hope things get better for you :)

 

[catlover26]

Thanks! I am doing ok. A lot better than I used to be. Yes, it is like I never thought it would happen to us although looking back the warning signs were all there. He was a workaholic and said he wouldn't change that nor get counseling. I basically was emotionally neglected and abused. I stayed at home with our kids and once they left home......... We were separated in our home for 2 yrs before I moved out. So leaving him wasn't the problem. Wow, yeah it was hell at first. With little to no work experience. The first year I was in shock I think running myself on adrenalin barely able to pay my bills. Meeting my sweetie now was a God send or so it seems. It just gets really difficult. Yeah, he has helped me out in so many ways. Being a recovering alcoholic he would listen to me and even the grief I was going through not really losing my husband but losing my former life and the city I lived in and the people I knew.

But now with his PTSD and depression I feel like I am on a roller coaster. Tonight I did go over there because he has his neighbor's kids over and is usually is a better mood then. So everything was fine. But he physically still will keep his distance from me. At his age sexually he is going through some problems. We haven't had sex and I don't want to outside of marriage but he has basically stopped what we were doing (not going into details). What he does is waits until he walks me out to my car and then kisses me several times usually. Basically he doesn't want to 'start' anything inside. We have talked about this and he gives me several reasons why we aren't going to have more affection and changes them a lot. He used to tell me some sort of dirty jokes. I didn't want to tell him really to stop it because he is very sensitive. But tonight he did something and said something really suggestive and pretty crude about some sex like act we could do. It sort of slipped out really. And he knew it and felt bad. I said it was ok but he said no it wasn't. He quickly walked in his place and when I tried to call him when I got home like I usually do he wouldn't answer. That kind of thing is so hard for me to handle.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@catlover26 you aren't alone.

He basically thinks America is at its worse than it has ever been.

He is on disability for depression and PTSD but he feels if he goes in and tells them too much that they will 'lock him up' or come in his home take his guns, etc.

That sounds familiar. My vet is an OIF vet and in his 30s, but he says the exact same things at times.

We have talked about this and he gives me several reasons why we aren't going to have more affection and changes them a lot.

A lot of combat vets have issues with sex and intimacy, for a lot of different reasons. I know you said it was age related, but if he is on medication for his PTSD and depression, that could be effecting it. There are also many psychological and emotional aspects that make it difficult for sufferers as well.

 

[catlover26]

What is so hard to handle and adjust to Sweetpea is how his affection has changed. When we first started dating he was very affectionate. We were not having sex but our 'kissing times' were wonderful and such a bonding experience. He admitted it became euphoric at times. Then we went a little further did some other 'things'. He admitted at one time it could be all addicting. I think I have mentioned somewhere he is a recovering alcoholic, 29 years. I decided that I didn't think it was best what we were doing so I thought we should stop. He respected my reasons for needing to stop some things but was very confused also. He tends to over analyze things and wanted to talk about it too much. It takes a lot of the romance out of it if he is trying to talk too much about what can we or can't we do and I really made it clear where I was drawing the line. I think some of it was the addictive part that worried him. He knows my limits on that but he doesn't do well with having rules and controls on things. He can be that way with food also when the VA has told him he needs to lose a little weight and other things that are not harmful but things he might buy to make himself feel better I think.

It is hard to figure out just what the reasons are for the change in his affection. I have had to stop initiating anything and keep myself from trying to kiss him when he just doesn't seem to want it or can completely seem like he is off thinking about something else. It has been very difficult but he will kiss me goodbye and he did hug me tight the other night because we had not talked for several days. That was the first in a while.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The affection thing is an issue in my relationship too. My vet doesn't have "mechanical issues" so to say, but he is physically disabled from combat injuries, so sometimes pain and mobility cause problems. I think the vast majority of any intimacy or affection changes are all about his stress levels. If he is feeling better, he is way more affectionate and physically intimate. When he is stressed, sometimes he can't even be in the same room.

 

[catlover26]

I am going to go over there to see him tonight but I am not going to bring up what he had said to me that was really pretty crude. I think he likes to or used to say he liked to fantasize about things. That is fine for him but it becomes very difficult for me especially now because when he mentions something I almost want to think it is like teasing me. Although that is not his intention but I don't want to think about things we could be doing that we are not going to do intimately.

When I am there we will be in the same room but I can tell his mind is just on other things. Even when I talk to him he may not even look at me. He will answer phone calls, has to watch TV and we don't even eat together anymore. I just eat before I go over there. Sometimes I wonder if he is trying to discourage our relationship for me to give up but I don't think that's what it is. He will probably get better. See he has an 97 yr old aunt and 94 yr old mother in a nursing home that he has to do some things for so he feels like at his age he is not getting to live his life. Even though it hurts because he could be taking more time on weekends to spend it with me and get a break from all of that but he doesn't see it that way.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This caught my eye...

He tends to over analyze things and wanted to talk about it too much. It takes a lot of the romance out of it if he is trying to talk too much about what can we or can't we do and I really made it clear where I was drawing the line. I think some of it was the addictive part that worried him.

Some people with PTSD tend to over analyze. It's like a coping mechanism, they try to analyze everything from every aspect to look for possible danger. Long, exhausting, conversations with a freaked out sufferer can be par for the course. My vet has worn me talking about the same thing over and over again... but it is comforting for him to do so, so I have learned to be patient with that.