Relationship How To Help A Loved One With Ptsd

[catlover26]

Well Sweetpea we ended up talking about it again tonight. I was just pretty frustrated because first the kid next door was over there and we played Scrabble. It was fun but she left and not too long after that this lady that is in a nursing home called and he went out side to talk to her about 20 min. or so. I thought maybe the lady was having some kind of problem because it was late but I listened and heard him laughing some and just chatting with her.

I was sort of upset because she ends up calling every night sometimes a few times while I am there and he always talks to her yet he is not answering my calls during the week. So when he came back in side. I said I really cared for him but I think our relationship is going to end up becoming more like a friendship. We ended up talking more about the intimate part. I don't know if we got anywhere. At least at that time I was able to hug him and sit in his lap after I had talked to him a while about it. He didn't seem upset just still confused about some limits he thinks I want to place on what we do. Even though I have never said "stop that" because he has never been the kind to be an octopus with his hands wandering everywhere.

I appreciate all of your responses. He said something that was a little upsetting but I don't think he meant it. After I had first met him I was in his car and was talking about us being friends and I said it was important that he didn't touch me or something like that. I had just gone through a divorce 4 mos before. I didn't want him trying to hug me. He said tonight that maybe we should have just kept it at that to begin with and never started any of our affection towards one another. That was really shocking! To be totally honest and frank with you and hopefully not too graphic. He has talked about the problem of physical pain not getting relief when he has an erection. I told him I was fine with us 'taking care' of that. Not having sex though but he doesn't want to believe me when I say that I am fine with doing that. He had mentioned it caused some pain but never wanting us to 'act' on it to help. I think now he is acting this way because he thinks he was cheated out of it for a while. I am sorry I write such long messages. He just can talk on and on about this and it becomes confusing because I am the one to suggest something and he will say no. Usually it will be a guy trying to 'come on' to a girl. So what am I to do? I just have to wait and see what kind of mood he gets in I guess.

Thanks for 'listening'. It just gets to be so hard. He did seem better tonight and better after we talked so maybe we will return to have some kind of physical contact.

 

[catlover26]

Sorry! I'm not going to keep giving you a 'play by play' action of everything going on with us. He did seem more like his 'happier self' after we talked. So maybe it helped. But I have thought that before and we would be back at square one. One thing he has come a long way really. I am dealing with someone that was basically a loner for 16 yrs and I could tell lacked some basic social skills and interaction skills with someone else. When he was married he was an Alcoholic. Although he has been good with communication (usually) he can be real emotional but not angry with me and that is where our relationship has had many trials.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm glad he seems to be doing better after your chat. Talking things out in a calm, positive manner seems to always work. Have you read The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy by Diane England? It has some great sections on communication and conflict resolution. I have found it very helpful.

He has talked about the problem of physical pain not getting relief when he has an erection

Oh men... they must never grow out of this one :facepalm:. Will some guy clear this up for me? Seriously, once and for all... I promise I won't turn you in to the high council and get your man-card revoked! I always thought this was a line used to convince ladies concerned for their health to "release the pressure." Is it really painful?

 

[catlover26]

Sweetpea, I really appreciate all of your replies and concern.

Well I was pretty naive about that and never heard about it until he told me. So what do I do but turn to the internet. I read several months ago an article but mainly some comments and the guys were saying it was real. This site wouldn't let me post the website but it is called 'How stuff works'. They are reliable and scientific. They are saying it doesn't last long and is minor.

But I am sure you will find varying opinions online. We have since had another talk tonight and are going to steer our intimacy in other directions for various reasons. I pick my times to talk to him when he seems he is more in tune and 'with' me and not as depressed for now. I think he had some reservations anyway and I wasn't completely comfortable with it. With his age there would have been some difficulties I believe that could have caused some tension that wouldn't have been good especially for him.

Plus we are both having to learn to communicate because in his previous marriages he was an alcoholic. There was something that happened that I had to talk to him about and he wants to call them arguments but it is just expressing my feelings, etc. I think he finally understood when I asked him if he had ever had these types of discussions during his previous marriages or with anyone else. And he hadn't. So I said this is all a new thing that is upsetting you because you haven't learned how to communicate this way and not get upset and let it bother you.

 

[catlover26]

Oh and thanks for recommending the book. There are things now that I think about after reading others comments that he has been doing that I wasn't even realizing it was probably ptsd related. He wasn't in combat but he hears any little noise outside at his place. Things that I don't even hear. . No matter what we are doing he will have to stop and walk outside for a few minutes to see what is going on. That usually happens a few times at least when I am over there.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hypervigilance... he's doing a perimeter check. That is definitely a PTSD thing.

 

[catlover26]

Hypervigilance... he's doing a perimeter check. That is definitely a PTSD thing.

That makes a lot of sense. It's weird. He turns the TV up so loud but a rumble of a truck or motorcycle outside that I can't hear will get him to the door pretty fast.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I always joke that my vet can hear a mouse fart in the wall... it's enough to make him Ninja roll out of bed and do his perimeter check.

 

[catlover26]

Toooooooo funny!!

 

[catlover26]

Does he ever 'over analyze' things and get things screwed up that I say !! I talked to him last night because he stayed on the phone a while when I was there. I have been over there more than usual this week. But I said 'What would be nice is if when that happens we can have a compromise and say next time I come we will spend time alone doing......" . He said something like. 'He doesn't make deals". His alcoholism created years of not learning how to interact with people. So it leaves me not knowing what to do. Basically I think he likes to be in control and decide what we do. Which right now is not much but stay at his place.

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD can make people overanalyze. Mine is an over-analyzer... but I'm not sure if that just isn't his personality in general. He gets confused sometimes too... but he has cognition and memory problems from his TBI.

It is OK to set some boundaries with him though. Like "if you want me to visit and spend time with you, I'd prefer if you didn't ignore me while I am over. I will leave if you ignore me for an extended period of time, and we can visit some other time when you are not busy." Then leave if he does the same thing. That is just basic human politeness.

 

[catlover26]

I know it seems impolite and like he is ignoring me and that is what I was talking to him about last night. But this woman is about 85 yrs old in a nursing home without a roommate now and has maybe some Alzheimer's he believes. So last night she called 3 times and he answers every time because she was upset. He says now that he is sober he has wanted the opportunity to help people. I didn't want to seem selfish but I said couldn't she talk during the day. He said at night she gets confused and wants to talk then.

So basically he will talk about 15-20 min each time. He is not going to stop that. After about 10:00 or so he will be off the phone but sometimes he gets sleepy by then. I have said if we go somewhere we could be by ourselves but I think the more I am mentioning that the more he is not wanting to go anywhere Maybe it is just his stubbornness. He is also worried as soon as we plan something someone will get sick and he will get a call and have to come home. It happened one time when his Aunt fell when we went out to eat.